Im not who I was…
May 14, 2008
Ya know, I have been sitting here all morning contemplating what to write about this situation in my life, or if I should write about it at all. I have been so angry, hurt and confused over the things that have been said about me that I haven’t listened to Gods voice telling me to let it go. Funny, I can give my cancer up to Him completely and trust Him totally with the most frightening thing in my life, but I just can’t seem to let Him have this. I have selfishly thought it was mine to deal with, to mull over, to be angry about, to be bitter about, so on and so forth.
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you
Recently it has been all brought to the surface again, but not in the way any of us expected. I felt myself mulling over all of the “horrible” things that I believed had been done to me. I just couldn’t let it go, not this time. Satan really had my thoughts tangled up in anger and resentment.
Yet I am not who I was when this all happened in my life. I have grown so much over the last year, yet I feel like I have so far to go.
The Lord has been really convicting me as of late about my attitude and resentment towards them. I feel like I have been given a spiritual whoopin’ from my Heavenly Father, and trust me, it isn’t very fun. It is so much easier to hold onto my anger and honestly hatred towards their actions. It is so much easier to demand an apology or else…
But is that really the right thing to do? I was talking to my brother in law yesterday about this situation, asking his advice for how I should handle it, and I told him that I realize I am not God in these individuals lives…. I do not have the right to demand anything from them until God lays it on their hearts to give it. That is a tough pill to swallow.
And honestly, what I should have been doing all along was praying for them, and looking at myself and asking the tough questions… What part did I play in this? What do I need to seek forgiveness for? What is the Lord trying to teach me?
Because after all is said and done, I am responsible for my actions and my actions alone. I am responsible for handing out Gods Amazing Grace to others…. including those who selfishly, I just don’t want to… That is a tough tough lesson to learn, because my flesh wants to be right so bad.
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that’s what love is all about
Thats a Spiritual Whoopin’ right there.
Okay Lord, I’m listening. You’ve got my full attention.
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In other words: Play Nice
23 Responses to “Im not who I was…”
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Awesome :) Thanks so much for sharing this today. I think about the people I used to hang out with several years ago and all the immature things I’ve done. I’m definitely not the same person. Keep praying and I’m sure God will pull you through this just as He has everything else.
Sometimes when we have big miracles in our lives, we tend to forget that God is in the details of our lives as well :)
Lisa B @ simply Hiss last blog post..Welcome to MommyFest & a Giveaway
Thank you for this reminder. Forgiveness is one of the hardest things I have found to do as a Believer. It always amazes me because I have so much that I’ve been forgiven from, yet those hurts - people’s words - can keep me up at night.
Last night I was listening to this song and I found myself praising God that I’m not who I was, even from just a year ago. Praise Him that He takes away the bitterness and hurt!
I’m sorry that people have said hurtful things to you and about you. I think you are just a beautiful example of God’s goodness, love and mercy.
Stacys last blog post..hmmm…I don’t think you sang that correctly, son
Wow, what a great and encouraging entry. Lots to think and pray about. Thanks for writing it.
JoAnn
Beautiful! Thanks for sharing!
Hey Heather,
Forgiveness is hard. Your post yesterday was right on target. It is a decision- a daily decision and sometimes a minute-to-minute decision- to obey God.
One thing I learned about forgiveness is that it is not something I do for the person who hurt me. It is something I do for me and for God. I forgive so my spirit can be free of the earthly burdens of resentment, hatred, jealousy, envy, and so on. I can not hold on to those things and give God my best every day.
Another thing I have learned is to stop asking “why”. (I think you know a lot about that little word.) No matter how many times I ask, I will never be able to crawl into that other person’s brain and heart and really, really know why. So, I have learned ‘why’ does not matter. And, in reality, the answer to the question ‘why’ may have existed only for a moment.
The person I forgive may never know they are forgiven and even if they do, they may not care. Most times, they have forgotten the offense long before I have. Sometimes, they don’t even know they hurt me. Regardless, forgiveness is always the answer.
Yes, it is hard. But do it. Say it out loud until you believe it. “God, I forgive them and I lift them up in prayer. Touch their hearts and thank you for touching mine. Amen”
Much Love,
Barnie
P.S. Oddly enough, Joyce Meyer is teaching on this subject this week. Her website allows you to download podcasts & such. http://www.joycemeyer.org.
You are so brave in sooooo many ways Heather!!! I know Pappa has to be very pleased and happy with you.
Susan
Susan - Penless Writers last blog post..STICKY NOTE
How do you always seem to know the message I most need to hear?
Thank you for all that you are and all that you allow God to shape you into! And thank you for the courage you display in putting all of this out there for the world to see!
wow… that post was something else. Thank you for sharing and reminding me. :-)
Amandas last blog post..Progess in the form of pictures
Heather,
I am praying for myself and the things I need to do as I pray for you. This one has always been tough for me to do. I am learning and realize that I am still a work in progress as I too have a need to be right, especially when I am:) sometimes. As for me, it is usually my pride that needs to be dealt with. Ugh! I am praying for you sweetie and I know that the Lord will help you through this hurt. Thank you for the reminder that I need to keep working on this one.
I love you Heather, Laurie in Ca.
Heather, I can completely relate to every word you’ve written today, including the ’spiritual whoopin’ I think sometimes “letting go” is a moment by moment thing. I find there are days that I have to give the problem back to God several times over. I will pray for you with regards to this situation. Letting go when you’ve been wronged is very hard and the wounds can go extremely deep. {{hugs}}
Keep talkin’ friend, I hear ya. Sometimes I feel myself caught in the same muck and mire. Like just this week…today…a couple of hours ago… :0)
Love you and am praying for you and your family, Heather!
holly
Holly Smiths last blog post..Invasion
Heather,
And yet…another amazing post!
Erins last blog post..Thank you!
Heather,
And yet…another amazing post!
Erins last blog post..Thank you!
you should be more forgiving of what you think are your shortcomings. After all — HE is!! I Praise God for you Heather.
Pamelas last blog post..Sagging Naturally
You know, you are right - there’s nothing you can do about these people but give grace. Try praying for them - pray blessings over them. That’s what I do when I am having trouble forgiving someone. It’s hard to stay angry when I am praying blessings into someone’s life.
I’m so sorry that people are giving you grief right now - like you don’t have enough going on. Some people having nothing better to do than to stir up trouble. Please know that the VAST majority of people support you and think you are doing an amazing job!
Lori ~ Simple Life at Homes last blog post..Thankful Thursday
Yes I know and I understand. I do pray my “them” but then something will happen and it hurts again and I voice my pain. I have to keep giving it back to the Lord, the great thing is he keeps taking it back and doesn’t call me a “Indian giver”.
God Bless you Heather !
If only more of us would be more receptive to the “spiritual whoopin’” that we need! Once again, your post has inspired me to ask how I can better incorporate these lessons into my own life. Thank you so much for sharing.
Heather,
I am so amazed at what an inspiration that you CONTINUE to be. God is using you in a way that you and I will never be able to comprehend this side of Heaven. I do not know the details of your pain only that you are so strong and driven by your faith that I have no doubt that you will learn something new from it and then share it with all of us to then make us stronger and more able to see the lessons intened for each of us. You are amazing and have a great support system. You have a beautiful family and are clearly walking in the “LIGHT”. I only know you from this blog and have learned to love you as my friend. You share what is on your heart. It does not matter how painful it might be for me to face the tough things in my life, you always make me realize that there is beauty in all of it and that GOD is preparing us each day for what tomorrow will bring. Thanks for your beautiful life and continue to forge ahead in what you know to be GOD’s plan for your life.
Always praying for YOU and YOURS!
Conni B.
All I’m thinking is “Thank GOD that I’m not who I was! I don’t want to be her anymore anyway.”
You know, we’re never going to be perfect exactly like Jesus was when he walked this earth. We can only be made perfect through him, which means we’ll still be us, just with a really good cleaning that fortunately works to clean us everyday. We all will stumble and fall at times, even when no one knows about it. The biggest bonus is that when we do, we’ve got a Daddy who will pick us up, dust us off, give us a hug (with maybe a loving “I told you not to do that”) and then he’ll take our hand and keep walking with us every step of the way.
Shalees last blog post..10 Things I Hate About Me
Heather, I feel like your post about what you’re going through lately is a story about my life during these past few days, weeks, months. I got goosebumps when I read it. I’ve been struggling with the wrongs done to me that have hurt me, caused resentment and bitterness. I know that I’m doing this to myself and that I need to give it up to God for Him to bear and for Him to make right in His way. But I’m also human so there are times when it overwhelms me; the pain of recollection and just flat out not understanding the “why.”
Thank you so much for the reminder. Through voicing your own trials, you help a stranger with theirs. God bless you Heather, I’ll pray for you to find peace and resolution with this.
this really spoke to me. thank you for sharing.
Not Just Any Jens last blog post..Not Just Any Blog
Heather,
No one who is not, or has not experienced a tribulation such as yours, can understand your physical and emotional suffering. We can only love you, support you and pray for you - and we do that constantly. We are impressed by your courage.
Much love,
Bob & Sweet Betty
I am experiencing a very similar dilemma. Thank you for posting this Heather…
God bless you,
Liza