(Edited to add: I have uploaded videos of Emma Graces Transplant and Autism Awareness on her page)
The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.
-Exodus 14:14
That is so hard, just to be still and trust. I was reading my devotional this morning and ran across this:
God is neither shut up nor shut out of any place.
I have to admit that ending chemo is probably one of the hardest things I have had to do in my life. Not because I dont trust that God is still God, not because I dont believe that He is still able to do what He says he will do. But merely because I am human.
I have fears.
And I believe he knows every. single. one.
I fear the cancer coming back. I fear IV chemo. I fear a life that robs me of my daily abilities. I fear not being able to do the things that I do now with my children, and my family.
But then Christ grabs me up by the heart and yanks me to his arms and says “Be still, I am here. Why do you doubt me?”
Its a funny place for a cancer patient, feeling so healthy yet knowing that there is a great possibility you are going to die.(Who isnt, right?) And although I don’t dwell on it very often, It is not often far from my mind.
Because remember, I am human.
I have to constantly remind myself of that, because so many times so many Christians try to be “super -human”. They put on plastic smiles and bright red capes and seem to just float through every obstacle placed in front of them. But I believe that deep down inside, they are so hurting and so lonely. I refuse to do that. I refuse to go through this experience and not take the opportunity to really feel. Really learn.
Really trust.
Courage is the knowledge of how to fear what ought to be feared and how NOT to fear what ought NOT to be feared.
I want that type of courage. I want to be still and know that You are near. Forgive me for doubting, for second guessing, for losing faith in the one that has been so faithful to me during this time.
Draw me back. Draw me in.
I will be still.
StorySide B – Be still
pam says
June 27, 2008 at 8:05 amThanks so much for this post, Heather. I needed to read this too this morning. Praying for you today, dear Heather. Thanks for sharing your heart.
Monica @ Paper Bridges says
June 27, 2008 at 8:07 amAmen. I want that courage too. Cancer or not, we all need it to walk in this world.
Monica @ Paper Bridgess last blog post..Do you know what I’m missing right now?
Sallie says
June 27, 2008 at 8:07 amFor by you I can run against a troop,
and by my God I can leap over a wall.
This God—his way is perfect;
the word of the Lord proves true;
he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him.
For who is God, but the Lord?
And who is a rock, except our God?—
the God who equipped me with strength
and made my way blameless.
He made my feet like the feet of a deer
and set me secure on the heights.
—Psalm 18:29-33
You are always an encouragement!
God bless,
Sallie
Sallies last blog post..Psalm 15 (amplified)
Vicki says
June 27, 2008 at 8:19 amThanks for this post. We all need reminders to keep trusting in Him. Glad to hear that you’re off chemo though. I’ve never seen you with hair, so that’s kind of exciting 🙂 Will it begin to grow back in immediately or does it take time?
Vickis last blog post..Friday 13: Move Over
Kim says
June 27, 2008 at 8:19 amI love that song. I always come back to your blog to find myself humble again. I fear leaving my children behind also, I think every mother does. I’ve been praying for you on your journey.
Kims last blog post..A quick trip
Mark George says
June 27, 2008 at 8:30 amThe Kingdom is Near!!
robin says
June 27, 2008 at 8:30 amHeather, Thank you for this post. So many times I come here and find just what I need to help me through my own walk with cancer. I don’t know the answer to the “why?” questions about cancer. I want you to know, though, that through your walk through cancer with God, you have ministered to me. And I have tried to share with others. You will never know all of the people that you have positively impacted through your posts here.
I will have some more biopsies taken on Monday. I am afraid that my cancer has returned. I am asking for anyone who reads this to pray that my biopsies will return negative. And, if they are positive, please ask God to give me the courage and the strength to do the right thing regarding treatment. My husband has ALS and is considered terminal. I have to stay well enough to take care of him. Please keep both of us in your prayers. (Sorry to have highjacked your blog with a personal request but this seemed like the best place to ask for prayer help.)
Especially Heather says
June 27, 2008 at 8:51 am@robin : I will pray specifically for you throughout the weekend, and on Monday. Please do not ever apologize for hijacking my blog for prayer!
:wub:
Kathy Bishop says
June 27, 2008 at 8:55 amhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Pzu-jWpcdw
I tried to get this to post as a video for you but just couldn’t get it to work. As I ready your post this morning – this is the first word that God gave me. Listen and know that it is OK, and that are thousands praying for you sweet lady. You have had such an impact on my life – as has Emma. You are a Warrior!! love, Kathy
Kathy Bishops last blog post..Get Busy
Heather says
June 27, 2008 at 9:03 amWhat a great post. Still praying for you. 🙂
Heathers last blog post..I am just trying to break down barriers.
Tiany says
June 27, 2008 at 9:06 amHeather,
It has been a while since I have been by due to time constraints but I was so happy to see you had posted today!
I always remind myself when those fears creep in that God has not given us a spirit of fear but that of perfect love and yes “Courage”! You are always an inspiration and a blessing!
Praying for you always!!! :heart:
Susan Ramey Cleveland says
June 27, 2008 at 9:56 amYou are a wonderful inspiration to so many people, Heather. May God bless you always.
Susan Ramey Clevelands last blog post..Whazup?
HennHouse (Karin) says
June 27, 2008 at 10:15 amI love that you are allowing yourself to really feel and not sugar coat everything–especially to yourself. I love that.
Praying.
HennHouse (Karin)s last blog post..What do you say…
holly smith says
June 27, 2008 at 10:23 amIt’s such a hard place to be…still, trusting, believing. But my prayers for you Heather (and for me, honestly) are that you will find Him faithful again and again. He will never let go of you and your concerns. He loves you so!
Praying not only for you, but for your family each day.
Love you much!
holly
holly smiths last blog post..In Obedience, Once Again
Jen says
June 27, 2008 at 10:55 am“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.” ~Ambrose Redmoon
“My Lord has promised good to me
His Word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures.”
(Amzing Grace)
Take comfort, dear heart. As I read your post, these two things kept coming to my mind. I hope they bless you, as you walk this scary path. Hold tight to His hand, I know He clasps yours tightly. :heart:
Jens last blog post..Family Fun Night
Kathleen Marie says
June 27, 2008 at 11:37 amHeather, When I first read your new post intro in my email I sincerly thought this word was for our family and camp…for our personal situation and you know what… It was! God is so good.
I can I think understand your fears a bit. I had so many about my back and have had so many concerning our current situation and I like you am just human but my faith does not waver. My faith and trust is in the Lord.
You are in my prayers. God Bless!
Kathleen Maries last blog post..Third Day Revelation LP Giveaway!
Kerry says
June 27, 2008 at 11:53 amHi Heather. I think anyone dealing with cancer has fears. I am a long time survivor and I know sometimes I to am only human. I fear what if comes back to. As well as what if treatment doesn’t work. Then I am jerked gently by God reminding me I am never alone..in this.
One of my good friend reminded me that fear is a great motivatior in many situations. At times it is and sometimes we falter.Thats okay to because we are human
Being still is a good thing to thats when we hear and grow. I think in all of this there is so much growth faith wise. I know for me there has been.
Thanks for writing about your fears and as well as courage. Something we all can relate to about life in general. Cancer changes a lot . But I am betting you are the a lot like your were prior to it. But it is an intense experience that will make the strongest of us wonder what is next.
I know God is always with us no matter what
Wishing you a good day. Sending Hug and Prayers your way.
Hugs and Prayers
Kerrys last blog post..Just a Thought to Click On 🙂
Siobhan says
June 27, 2008 at 3:03 pmSo needed to hear this today. My family is dealing with a crisis right now. One of my sisters said that we need to pray, pray, pray then be still enough to hear or see what the Lord is trying to tell us. Your post just amplifies that. Thank you Heather!
In my prayers as always…
Robyn says
June 27, 2008 at 4:20 pmHeather,
Thank you for your post today. I have a picture of Jesus on my wall, to Catholics it is known as The Divine Mercy and says at the bottom, “Jesus, I trust in You” I see it every day as I go about my chores, before I leave the house. Now, when I look at this image, I will say a prayer for you, for Robin (above in the comments) and anyone who is suffering from cancer or in need of prayer. It is a small thing, but something that I can tangibly do. I pray for you every Sunday at Mass and I light a candle for you. The candles represent our prayers and as long as they are lit, the prayer goes on even when I’m not there. I like that idea. I also pray for all the intentions of all the lit candles as each one represents someone’s prayer. Thank you for your beautiful and honest testimony of your walk with Christ.
Robyns last blog post..It’s a Nice Day for a White Wedding
janmary, n ireland says
June 27, 2008 at 4:24 pmIn my heart and prayers. I know you know, but you are not alone, you know?
janmary, n irelands last blog post..Joy in simple things
Peggy@Mazes, Messes, & Miracles.... says
June 27, 2008 at 11:54 pmThank you Heather..still praying (and I will for Robin also today and on Monday!( :heart: I was wondering HOW all is going for Emma & you…knowing that you had chemo…I was praying, cuz well..you know..chemo is nasty and you’re near the end & even consider it your friend… :sick: but YOU are human and very real…it’s tough for many of us to BE STILL & just trust in normal stuff…so when God speaks to your precious little head and heart, and lets you know He’s there & cares…BE STILL & Know that HE IS GOD, :wub: may He draw you in and any other of your little heart’s desire…for you encourage us in HIM & STILL bring Him glory…thank you for blessing me with this word & your song! :whistle:
Peggy@Mazes, Messes, & Miracles….s last blog post..Then Sings My Soul Saturday
Lorie says
June 28, 2008 at 5:32 amThank you for sharing Emm’s Journey, She is such a beautiful child, beautiful just like her mommy. I know the Lord conitnues to carry her in the palm of his hands, and you as well my sister. Your fears and tears are comforted as he holds you ever so closely to his heart Heather. I see him rocking you in the midnight hours as he speaks his words of comfort and peace to your soul. Hugz Lorie
Vickie says
June 28, 2008 at 10:43 amYour story is incredible. I cried. My sister just went through cancer treatment six months ago. Its a hard time for everyone. Your a fighter, and my father in law, who’s both a pastor and a parametic, says its an important part of recovery. I hope all goes well.
Laurel says
June 28, 2008 at 3:58 pm:heart: 🙂 Sweet Heather,
First let me say that I am thankful your chemo is over. I know the fear that it brings to be off after being on for a year. Mine was ended 11 years ago and that first year off was scary. But the Lord let me know that HE was the one directing the chemo to do it’s job and HE was the one who was carrying me through after. It is normal and it is human, but you will be amazed at how good it feels to have the poison toxins gradually leave your body. It is scary but amazing at the same time. Just trust Him sweetie, He has brought you so far!!! I am praying for Robin :wub: to feel His peace during this time and for negative results.
I love you Heather and am always encouraged by you. Praying that Miss Emma is continuing to do great. 🙂 😉 :heart:
Have a wonderful weekend.
Laurie in Ca.
D / Momma says
June 29, 2008 at 8:12 amHeather, I know that God will lead you through this. You are an incredibly strong woman, particularly because you know when to lean on God’s strength.
Peace – D
D / Mommas last blog post..Home Again
cynthia says
June 29, 2008 at 9:25 pmwow…can’t tell you how man times i’ve come to your blog and found just what i’ve needed to hear!
i make hand stamped jewelry and not long ago a lady requested the words “courage quiets fear”…
those words have not left me. they are so true.
we are human…all of us.
thank goodness he gives us courage!
cynthias last blog post..as promised…
Jennifer says
June 29, 2008 at 9:29 pmHeather, you are the most courageous person I know.
toni says
June 30, 2008 at 12:30 amMy cousin and his wife express the same feelings over their 3yo son’s cancer treatments coming to an end this summer. As I pray for little Connor and his family, I pray for you and yours as well. Heather, you TRULY continue to teach others soooo much about what it means to cling to faith in ALL things. Thank you.
Blessings,
~Toni~
Vanessa says
June 30, 2008 at 8:38 amHeather,
I just wanted to say how wonderfully happy I am for you that you are not taking chemo any longer. May the Good Lord stay with you and keep you safe from cancer for the rest of your LONG life.
Your friend in Christ.
robin says
July 1, 2008 at 9:05 pmDear Heather, I got my biopsy results today. I DO NOT HAVE ENDOMETRIAL CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks to you and all the others above who kept us in your prayers. It was a great comfort to me.
wendy says
July 2, 2008 at 10:21 amI’ve been reading your site for a while, and have a question for you. Where you live, can you hear the kidd kraddick morning show on the radio?
I know its a strange question, but visit their site http://www.kiddlive.com. He has a program called kidd’s kids where he takes kids with chronic or terminal illnesses (and their families) to disneyworld for a week, free.
wendys last blog post..some VERY candid wedding pictures
bobbie says
July 2, 2008 at 12:55 pmIt has been a few days so I am thinking this round of chemo has been tough this week. So I am stopping into say You are in my prayers as you lay still at the feet of the Savior.
Because of Jesus, bobbie
Sheryl says
July 6, 2008 at 10:41 pmthank you for this! it is so hard for me to “be still” and just let God be God. i have kind of the opposite issue as you. i have no fear that my illness will ever take my life literally but it has taken “my life” in that i can’t do any of the things i want to be able to do with my family. God is in control. i know that in my head, now to live like i believe it. so glad your chemo is done!! and love your new puppy.
Sheryls last blog post..My Son