Looking Back to “that day”

fear

I took over an hour yesterday to read through my archives from the time I found out I had brain cancer. It took me back to those emotions, feelings, and heartache. It took me back to the place that never wanted to revisit again.

Ever.

Its been almost 2 years now. 2 years of heartache and tears. 2 years of joy and laughter. 2 years of losing and gaining friends. 2 years of questions and hopes and dreams.. and more questions.

2 years of life.

Honestly, reading through those months… the posts that made me cry are the ones from my family. Those are the ones that tore. me. right. up. Its ones like this one from my husband that grab at my heart. I remember that day so vividly, the moment that they rolled me away, and the emotions that followed down that long hallway to the operating waiting area.

Wondering if I would ever see my husband, children or parents again.

And the prayers I prayed.

And this one. I remember writing that.. it took me over half an hour. But I was determined to write it.

And look at all of your sweet comments. They really were a blessing to me and my family during that time. You really have no idea how much they meant.

And then the diagnosis post. I really was scared, and I really really wanted to live.

I still am, and I still do.

And this one from my mom. Honestly I remember very little from that day, other than Laura coming to see me. And the happiness that I felt. I remember singing on the way to the airport, and honestly wondering where that voice came from! My Neuro doc told my mom that singing comes from a different part of the brain, thus my not being able to speak but being able to sing.

My parents were amazingly awesome thru all of this, and they continue to be, everyday.

And one last one…It amazes me how very strong I was back then. Honestly I am not that strong girl lately, and I really don’t know why.

Maybe it is because I have had two years to let it all sink in and take root. Maybe it’s because I have lost more than I thought I would. Maybe its because it is more real and tangible.

It’s reality.

This is my life, and I can’t get away from it no matter how hard I try. But then I stop and think, Do I really want to? Do I really wish it was any different? Sure, it is so scary to have brain cancer. Sure it is alarming that every morning when I wake up, I think “Oh good, I have another day”…

Sure it is heartbreakingly painful.

But when I stop and really think about it… I wouldn’t change a thing.

Because everything I have gone through, every person who has let me down, every heartbreaking call, every mind numbing experience…

Has made me the Heather that I am.

And I am growing to love her more every day.

:wub:

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Comments

  1. You are an inspiration.

  2. Michelle P. says:

    I absolutely LOVE LOVE who you are!!!! I am so thankful to have you in my life and to be able to be a part of yours! See you in a few….

  3. Me, too!

    Love you, Heather. Thank you for sharing your journey so honestly. I am better for knowing you.

  4. You are an inspiration to so many. May God continue to bless you and your family.

  5. Heather~
    I have been following your story for a little over 2 years now. I have not commented lately but I am keeping up with you. I want to tell you – that I think that you have been a true witness of God’s Love and strength. I know that you have touched my heart and I am sure you have touched many other hearts as well. You have taught me that I need to hang onto and trust God more in my own life.
    May God continue to bless and keep you and your family,

    Lisa in Texas = )

  6. Heather, I’ve followed your website every day for a couple of years now. Doesn’t seem that it’s been that long. It’s strange as I reflect on it, because you are now a dear friend. And you don’t even know me. How I wish I could be a friend to you. But you have my prayers, and that’s what matters most.

  7. Two and a half years into my own cancer journey – two recurrences later. I could’ve written this post. The good the bad, the ugly – I am becoming who God wants me to be. Being put through the Refiner’s fire isn’t comfortable – but so very worth it …. someday.

    I’m so glad you’re better, now – and I really enjoy reading your blog. Thank you for sharing this journey with us all.

  8. I had stumbled across your blog shortly before your diagnosis- I was interested in reading about your dealings with the school system and your daughter (and still am)… I vaguely remember something you dealing with something about a traffic (or parking?) issue at the school. Anyways, I’ve been amazed at your strength and your deep faith throughout all of this. Your struggles have helped a lot of the rest of us to look at our own faith… thank you so much for taking us along on your journey!

  9. Heather,I have been following you for two years now. You are truly an inspiration to me. Please keep being who you are and being real for us. I sent you a friend request on FB. My name is Jennifer Murdock. I forgot to send you a message about it. I would love to be your FB friend!

  10. I want to thank you for your courage and honesty here. Many are being blessed through your ministry of this blog.

  11. I was blessed to read your conclusion! As I’ve more recently looked back over the difficulties of my life, I have reached the same conclusion…I wouldn’t change a single thing since it has made me the person I am today! I thought perhaps I was the only person who came up with what seemed to be such a crazy though, but am glad I’m in good company :-)

    God is good…all the time!

    Blessings,
    Tammy ~@~

  12. Thanks Heather for sharing your amazing journey of hope with us. God only knows the lives that have been deeply touched and inspired by your GREAT faith, your love for Jesus, and for LIFE.

    Celebrating these 2 years with you!!

  13. Heather, I don’t love that you have brain cancer but knowing someone who has brain cancer like I do feels reasuring to someone like me. I have had this glioblastoma for 13 months and I just wonder how long one can live on chemo. I just keep praying for a cure for this for everyone’s sake. There are so many people with this so I want a cure for all. Take care, Jan

  14. I have been reading your story for most of these two years, I believe, and though I have not commented much I have had my blog linked to yours. I have been blessed by your honesty even when days have been so dark and your faith even on those dark days. God bless you.

    Stephanies last blog post..Feliz Navidad