I took over an hour yesterday to read through my archives from the time I found out I had brain cancer. It took me back to those emotions, feelings, and heartache. It took me back to the place that never wanted to revisit again.
Its been almost 2 years now. 2 years of heartache and tears. 2 years of joy and laughter. 2 years of losing and gaining friends. 2 years of questions and hopes and dreams.. and more questions.
2 years of life.
Honestly, reading through those months… the posts that made me cry are the ones from my family. Those are the ones that tore. me. right. up. Its ones like this one from my husband that grab at my heart. I remember that day so vividly, the moment that they rolled me away, and the emotions that followed down that long hallway to the operating waiting area.
Wondering if I would ever see my husband, children or parents again.
And the prayers I prayed.
And this one. I remember writing that.. it took me over half an hour. But I was determined to write it.
And look at all of your sweet comments. They really were a blessing to me and my family during that time. You really have no idea how much they meant.
And then the diagnosis post. I really was scared, and I really really wanted to live.
I still am, and I still do.
And this one from my mom. Honestly I remember very little from that day, other than Laura coming to see me. And the happiness that I felt. I remember singing on the way to the airport, and honestly wondering where that voice came from! My Neuro doc told my mom that singing comes from a different part of the brain, thus my not being able to speak but being able to sing.
My parents were amazingly awesome thru all of this, and they continue to be, everyday.
And one last one…It amazes me how very strong I was back then. Honestly I am not that strong girl lately, and I really don’t know why.
Maybe it is because I have had two years to let it all sink in and take root. Maybe it’s because I have lost more than I thought I would. Maybe its because it is more real and tangible.
This is my life, and I can’t get away from it no matter how hard I try. But then I stop and think, Do I really want to? Do I really wish it was any different? Sure, it is so scary to have brain cancer. Sure it is alarming that every morning when I wake up, I think “Oh good, I have another day”…
Sure it is heartbreakingly painful.
But when I stop and really think about it… I wouldn’t change a thing.
Because everything I have gone through, every person who has let me down, every heartbreaking call, every mind numbing experience…
Has made me the Heather that I am.
And I am growing to love her more every day.