Depression…

We, as Christians think we should be joyful and full of praise all. of. the. time. Yes, it is true that God intends for us to live joyful lives… but where does that leave those of us who, as Christians, suffer from depression? Where does that leave our ability to tell others of our emotions and feelings.

Where does that leave our hearts.

I went to my Practitioner yesterday and told her that I thought I was depressed… I think that the entire “Cancer/Emma Thing” has caught up with me and I am having a hard time dealing with it.

There, I said it. It is out in the open. I am depressed.

Most brain cancer patients suffer from depression, especially those who have gone through brain surgery, radiation and chemotherapy, like I have. Your mood receptors are in the frontal lobes of your brain, and that is where my tumor was located. That is the part of my brain that they “removed” and that is the part of my brain that received high doses of radiation.

I am trying to come to terms with the “new” me, and yet I terribly miss the “old” me. I am trying to come to terms with those little things that I notice have changed, but others don’t. Most people tell me that they do not notice anything different about the way that I talk or form my sentences, but they do not know that it takes a heck of alot of effort and fortitude now to put those words and sentences together… and forget telling a story in the right order, that doesn’t happen anymore for me. I get frustrated when I cant find the right word (yet I see it in my mind), and take long pauses in the midst of a sentence. I say random things in response to people when I am nervous (Example, someone asked me how I was feeling…. I said Thank You..)

In other words.. I miss the old me. I miss the Heather that I once was.. the Heather that didn’t have to think before she formed her words, they just came naturally.. the Heather that didn’t have to pause to find the right word, it was just there. The Heather that didn’t fly off the handle at every little thing because I cant gauge my emotional meter.

I told my practioner that I wasn’t afraid of death… its the dying part that I am terrified of. I am terrified of the process that I am going to have to go through to get there. See, brain cancer is not like other cancers.. there is no remission. The cancer cells are still in my brain, they just havent formed tumors. And no one can tell you if they will. You wait for a clean MRI, petrified of the results, and then when you get the all clear, it starts all over again for 2 months.

She asked me if I had attended any support groups… My response? The people are all dying. It is hard to go to a support group and notice that the seat next to you, the one that was always filled with a person, is now empty.

It depressed me even more.

Add to that, Emma Grace and her terminal illness.

I know that I have tons to be thankful for, I am alive… I do not have any visible disabilities. I am just having a hard time coping with the current stage of my life, and I need a little help.

As Christians, it is okay to ask for help… Depression is not a sin, it doesnt mean you are weak, it has nothing to do with how close you are to Christ. It can happen to those of us who have strong relationships with Christ, who are in the Word daily and pray fervently.

It is not a sin, or sign of spiritual weakness to ask for medication for depression.

Read that again.

I am so glad that I have Godly people that surround me and help me through this time, and I am so thankful that I have a practioner who listened to me when I told her I needed something to help me get through this period in my life.

If you suffer from depression, whether it be cancer related or something entirely different, please seek help. You do not have to walk this road alone. You do not have to be strong and hide your emotions. You are not weak, nor are you in sin.

You are human. Just like me.