May I see Your light, Lord, even in life’s broken pieces.
I have been thinking alot over this long weekend about issues that seem to remain in my life. Issues that I have absolutely no control over, yet I want to reign them in and tie them down. I have realized that I have been looking back at all I have lost in the past 2 years, and while that is normal, focusing on it day and night is not.
I keep going over losing my hair, my normalcy..my life as it once was. I keep thinking about what I could have done differently to avoid this “funk”, what I could have said or not said… What I did to deserve this.
Then there is the big issue of losing my best friend of 7 years. That haunts me. Why did she choose to leave right when I needed her the most. What did I do, what did I say.. We had been through so very much together. I just don’t get it.
And there in lies my problem. I just don’t get alot of what has happened in the past two years. I get that I have brain cancer, I get that I went through surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy. I get all of those things.
I get the spiritual aspect of having cancer, and all that it has taught me. I get the lessons, the insight, the positive attitude, staring death in the face and yelling “Not Me, Not Now”.
I get all of that.
It is the emotional side of cancer that I don’t get. It is the actions of others that I don’t get.
But then, maybe I am not suppose to get it. Maybe this is one of those roads that I must walk down, and cross over that bridge to the other side. I have been so busy looking back, wondering “if I had just done ______”, that I failed myself emotionally. I have let this situation dictate how I look at myself and those around me, and I am done doing that. I am done allowing Satan this strong hold.
I am done reliving the past.
I realized this past weekend that I really don’t need a break from blogging, for it is what keeps me going. I need to stop looking to the past, and past friendships and allowing them to control my emotions. I need to look ahead and follow where ever He leads me. Obviously He removed that friendship from my life for a reason, and I just have to deal with that and all that it entails. It doesn’t make it any easier, but at least I can realize that it can never go back to what it once was and honestly be okay with that.
I can never go back to the life that I once had.
But that doesn’t automatically mean that the life that I now live is not beautiful. That does not give me the right to continually look back and wish for my old life, when God has given me so much to be thankful for. He has given me a family that 100% supports me. He has given me children that absolutely adore me. He has given me a husband that is committed to me. He has given me parents that would do anything for me.
And he has brought a new friendship into my life at exactly the right time.
And for that, I praise Him.
I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back.
-Philippians 3:14
P.S. I am still working on the details of the Florida Retreat.. Stay tuned..
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Heather, It won’t be much longer dear. I do believe the Lord will return very soon. God is using your testimony and your blog to encourage other women. One day when you stand face to face with our Savior he will show you the beauty that he created with your testimony.
Sisterlisas last blog post..Communication
Welcome back
JanMary, N Irelands last blog post..Manic Monday
Heather,
I haven’t been here or commented in quite some time because there have always been SO many people here commenting etc,… but I want you to know I will continue to pray for you. Life doesn’t make sense to us and we don’t know why things happen the way we do, but we trust ourselves completely to God and His provision. Don’t blame yourself or torture yourself with the questions, He doesn’t want that for you…enjoy the moment, and look toward the exciting prospects to come. Remember Philippians 4:8:
8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
I am sorry for your hurting heart, but praising God for all the support you have in your life, and for being transparent and sharing what you have learned having gone through it, which I KNOW will help someone else out there. He loves you Heather…
Hugs,
Jenn
Jenn M.s last blog post..Birthday Happenings
I’ve been reading your blog for a while and commented once or twice. I am a breast cancer survivor and am in the midst of thyroid cancer (recurrence) treatment right now. I am a young mom with a 6, 5 and 3 year old.
I know our situations are very different, but I want you to know I can identify with your struggle, and I am praying for you. I have lost friendships. I have been let down by others. I have (and am) walked through discouragement and depression. I’ve handled the physical aspect of all this well. I’ve kept my gratitude journals and I’ve viewed life through new eyes. But the emotional struggle is draining. I tell others that I just get so tired of the emotional battle.
A friend recently wrote me this, “Satan carves out his evil in the sand, leaving deep furrows. But God washes over them in waves, and in time, those furrows are filled and smoothed. And the sun shines brightly on that smoothed sand. You will feel it again.”
I am praying you will feel the sunshine of your blessings today. May He continue to give you His strength. I flows from your writings… which makes me assume it flows from your heart. His heart in you.
Angies last blog post..Of Doctors And Idiots And House Calls
Sweet Heather,
Such a good post today, and I believe it is a huge turning point for you and your moving forward. I needed to hear this again for myself today. Praying for you to feel Him closer than ever today as you follow Him. I am so thankful that you are here to write about this today. You have blessed so many with your honesty and journey and you have been a blessing to me. I love you girl.
Love and Hugs, Laurie in Ca.
When my mom was sick, quite a bit of my hurt came from other people.Some people don’t know how to act when someone is sick.Alot of other people don’t like the fact that the attention is not on them. I know that sounds so weird but its true.I wonder why they don’t get the fact that those who are sick really wish the attention was not on them, that they weren’t sick at all.I have lost most of my aunts and uncles over this.God knows what you need and maybe this friend was not a friend at all. Only He knows for sure.God bless you Heather…
Donnas last blog post..Sick
You know when I read your blog I can tell you seek God in everything, and that really is all that matters.
You are right, God removed the friendship from your life for a reason. I pray that the Lord brings you the closure you need from that friendship so that you can move forward and find peace. {{hugs}}
Heathers last blog post..Dear Daddy God,
Bless your heart, Heather. I’m sure all those thoughts you are having are normal. You have made a good decision. Maybe your friend just could not endure all the hardships you had to face. And I can understand how painful it is to you.
Cathys last blog post..Hi There
What a touching post, Heather. Thank you for your honesty.
My husband has a saying that “It’s never about you.” That is, when someone does something hurtful or disrespectful or suddenly starts blocking you out of their life in some way, it is almost never something you did wrong and almost always about some issue going on in their lives.
I always hate hearing this at the time, but 10 out of 10 times I’ve found it to be true in my own life. Invariably I find out that that person had something huge going on that caused their odd behavior, and it had very little to do with me.
Anyway, thank you again for your honesty, and I’m glad to hear you won’t be going on a blogging break any time soon. We always appreciate your wisdom and insights!
Jennifer (Conversion Diary)s last blog post..What is it like to "hear" an answer to prayers?
Looking back, it amazes me that God always brings a friend just when I need one. Several wonderful friendships have changed over time and, although I’m not as close to these friends as I once was, I continue to love them. Right now there’s no one special friend but I rest easy, because I know that she will be here when I need her.
Beautiful post. I have spent much of the afternoon working on some notes about the new year and God’s plan for it. The Philippians passage is one I’m using but I hadn’t read it yet in that translation. It will be helpful. Thanks and I pray that God will continue to bless you as He is so obviously doing now.
Do you know what? I had a dream about meeting you last night. We were headed to the beach, and I met you, but felt really shy. Then you said, “I thought you were bolder from what you write…throwing curve balls and being so courageous.” Then I smiled weakly and said, “well, sometimes, I’m not.” Then you gave me a hug and said, “me neither.”
Isn’t that funny?
I hope to really meet you one day, Heather. I know we’d be good friends. As it is, we are sisters and friends in Christ. And I praise Him for your strength and your hope and your dogged-ness in fighting this fight well, and lifting up the name of Jesus every step of the way.
Much love and prayers,
Holly
Holly @ Crownlaiddowns last blog post..Resounding…
I think you will enjoy the video I posted on my blog over the weekend. It was an encouraging reminder that my past does not have to define me. There are so many things we are both struggling to answer. Some we may never have the answers we’re looking for this side of eternity. Keep blogging…it’s great therapy!
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Heather,
I so admire your courage and your strength throughout ALL your ordeals. I read your ENTIRE journal about 3 years ago and visit you every single day.
When I was diagnosed with a Terminal Disease, there was one friend I told whom I was sure would be there. Much to my shock she disappeared from my life, infact she even moved house (may be coincidence) but she will not make contact with me at all. I have sent her messages via mutual friends but to no avail. I now believe it could have been a good thing, it has allowed me to move on and to keep positive and to be with positive people.
Heather, we need POSITIVE things in our life as I feel NEGATIVE will only worry you and wear you down, leaving you with no strength to cope. You have such a wonderful supportive Family and Friends, they are what is important to you. :heart:
Take Care and stay POSITIVE
Lots of Love Carolynn :wub: :wub:
It’s her loss!
I am always telling Kristen that what she perceives that another person is thinking or doing to her is their own problem, not hers. It’s not about you – it’s about her.
God has made you strong, Heather! I was just sharing with a co-worker my disappointment in the way some people in my life have responded (or not responded) to learning of my cancer journey. It’s surprising to me that anyone can literally turn away when they learn someone they know has or had, cancer. She told me that it’s obviously something that they don’t know how to handle, so they choose not to handle it. How can they possibly compete with what you’ve gone through? For them, it’s about them, not about you, so they move away from you, where the focus obviously should be.
Well, I could write and write, but then you could just visit my blog and hear Jesus laugh for yourself. Honestly, I can’t stop weeping and laughing.
“I am done reliving the past.”