May I see Your light, Lord, even in life’s broken pieces.
I have been thinking alot over this long weekend about issues that seem to remain in my life. Issues that I have absolutely no control over, yet I want to reign them in and tie them down. I have realized that I have been looking back at all I have lost in the past 2 years, and while that is normal, focusing on it day and night is not.
I keep going over losing my hair, my normalcy..my life as it once was. I keep thinking about what I could have done differently to avoid this “funk”, what I could have said or not said… What I did to deserve this.
Then there is the big issue of losing my best friend of 7 years. That haunts me. Why did she choose to leave right when I needed her the most. What did I do, what did I say.. We had been through so very much together. I just don’t get it.
And there in lies my problem. I just don’t get alot of what has happened in the past two years. I get that I have brain cancer, I get that I went through surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy. I get all of those things.
I get the spiritual aspect of having cancer, and all that it has taught me. I get the lessons, the insight, the positive attitude, staring death in the face and yelling “Not Me, Not Now”.
I get all of that.
It is the emotional side of cancer that I don’t get. It is the actions of others that I don’t get.
But then, maybe I am not suppose to get it. Maybe this is one of those roads that I must walk down, and cross over that bridge to the other side. I have been so busy looking back, wondering “if I had just done ______”, that I failed myself emotionally. I have let this situation dictate how I look at myself and those around me, and I am done doing that. I am done allowing Satan this strong hold.
I am done reliving the past.
I realized this past weekend that I really don’t need a break from blogging, for it is what keeps me going. I need to stop looking to the past, and past friendships and allowing them to control my emotions. I need to look ahead and follow where ever He leads me. Obviously He removed that friendship from my life for a reason, and I just have to deal with that and all that it entails. It doesn’t make it any easier, but at least I can realize that it can never go back to what it once was and honestly be okay with that.
I can never go back to the life that I once had.
But that doesn’t automatically mean that the life that I now live is not beautiful. That does not give me the right to continually look back and wish for my old life, when God has given me so much to be thankful for. He has given me a family that 100% supports me. He has given me children that absolutely adore me. He has given me a husband that is committed to me. He has given me parents that would do anything for me.
And he has brought a new friendship into my life at exactly the right time.
And for that, I praise Him.
I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back.
P.S. I am still working on the details of the Florida Retreat.. Stay tuned..