My father in laws passing has obviously caused me to pause and think about my own life. My own cancer. My own future.
Honestly, it scared me more than anything else. It scared me, not because of the obvious fear of dying, for I do not fear that. It scared me because I selfishly have so much more to do here. I have so many dreams, so many desires, so many more memories that I would like to make.
Yet, reading all of your comments on my last post, I can’t help to think about what it would be like to see Jesus face to face. I can’t help to wonder what my reaction will be.
I have fought like a mad dog the last 2 years to live. I have fought through the unthinkable and have come out stronger than any person should have to be. I have weathered every storm, (Emma’s and Mine) that was placed before me.
I have sat in the CICU with Emma while on chemo, bald, sick as a dog. I have gotten up and homeschooled even when I felt like staying in bed and hiding from the world. I have been a mother through cancer, because that is my life. I haven’t shut down, I haven’t given up. I haven’t let cancer defeat me.
I have walked through this life with confidence and security.
But that doesn’t mean that I still don’t fear. That doesn’t mean that I am strong all of the time. That doesn’t mean that mind doesn’t wonder to that day.
The day God calls me home…
So here I am… struggling to put into words what is on my heart.
Here I am, weak and broken and fearful.
But I know that He is always there.. He will always hold my hand… He will always protect my heart…
And He knows the number of my days.
I often say I have no less days now then when cancer entered my life. It is so easy to say, but so very hard to trust.
So I will walk through this valley, knowing that when You call me home….
You are on the other side
The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don’t know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I’m gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to
Chorus:
Cause I’m not who I was
When I took my first step
And I’m clinging to the promise You’re not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that’s not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I’d never go alone
So When the whole world turns against me
And I’m all by myself
And I can’t hear You answer my cries for help
I’ll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley If You want me to
You are far stronger than you know Heather. Even in your weakness, you show a strength that can only come from the Savior himself. I’m so sorry about Marc’s dad. I can imagine how you worried about your children and how it turned your own thoughts to the future. Thankfully, we only have to face one day at a time. You are still in my prayers…
I have been meaning to ask you, because I don’t understand…since your MRI was clear, isn’t it possible that they could continue to be clear? I know you have spoken about that “3-5 years” ringing in your ears but anything is possible with the Lord. I look forward to reading your blog 10 years from now and hearing you declare “MRI clear”! I love you girl!
@ Karen:
YES! It is possible, but the opposite is also possible. There is no “remission” for brain cancer. One month it can be clear and the next MRI there could be a tumor.
I have to believe that I am totally cured..that chemo and radiation (ultimately God!)did the trick, but then again, that doesn’t mean that I am not fearful of the words I dread hearing: “Its back”.
Thanks for asking!
I love that song and it has ministered to my heart more than once. It is even today, in my current trials.
I attend a Bible Study Fellowship class and my discussion leader this year has battled breast cancer over the last couple of years. She shared with us recently that as she grappled with it, she found that it took MORE faith to believe that her kids and family would be okay than it did to believe that she would be completely healed. I think that’s kind of what you’re saying. Or maybe I’m putting words in your mouth.
Praying for you this day, sister.
Donna @ WayMoreHomemades last blog post..Where I am (Part 1) – Security
Sorry to hear about your fil.
Still praying for your family!
God Bless You and Yours!!!
@ Donna:
Yes, that is exactly what I am saying! Thank you for putting my thoughts into words!
Heather- you are so good for me. Reading your words every so often reminds me of what is important. What is real. What is necessary. Yes, you are more strong (physically and mentally)than before, we all are after going through cancer, but we are still the little girls feeling very human trying to find our way. Some ladies at my church here in Texas have started a new Priscilla Shirer study on Discerning the voice of God. I want to 1. expect God will talk to me and 2. really know that he is talking to me so that in the fearful times I can recall his guidance. Anyway, love your honest heart. Niki
Heather. Your posts cause me to pause and be thankful and remind me of how fragile we all are. I love what you said about your number of days being the same with or without cancer. My best friends mother went through a cancer struggle several years ago and she would always go around and tell people not to feel sorry for her because “none of us are going to get out of this alive”. It always made me smile because I knew she was right. You are in my prayers and I also plan to be reading your blog in 10 years and I am sure you will still be inspiring people with the work God has done in your life.
I’m sorry to hear about your father-in-law. I’m sorry that you have had to endure what you have. It sounds like you have not let this defeat you. Keep living your life as you have. Continue to glorify God in all that you do, and all that you go through. He will sustain you. God has a plan for you, as he does for all of us. One day we will know how it all fits together. You are in my prayers.
Sandras last blog post..Monday Memories: Daddy’s Little Girl
I hope this comes through, this is for you Heather…God will not put any more on you than you can handle!!! if this don’t work here is the website
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l6ccS7r8pMU
Heather~
Thanks so much for the post and the song. Your words inspire me and encourage me this morning, and I am grateful to the Lord for what He prompts you to share with us.
Praying for you today, dear one.
Oh, you have no idea how I needed those words. While I am fighting a much different fight, it’s painful, worrysome and yet draws me closer to the God I love. Thank you for the inspiration and strenth your email just afforded me! Hugs to you on the loss of someone you love.
This is a great song. Thanks for reminding me about it. I haven’t heard it in a long time.
Jennifers last blog post..Teaser Tuesday
Oh, Heather…the words of that song really speak to me in my situation. Thank you so much, once again, for sharing something that ministers so personally to me. I’ve got the “2-3 years to live” thing hanging over my head and while I know in my heart that I’m not going anywhere until the Lord says so, it’s still sometimes like a black cloud following me around. Going from “cancer free” for almost three years to “stage IV metastatic breast cancer” has been a real blow, but I will walk through this valley if He wants me to. I am learning so much everyday, about who I am in Him and what He wants to do in my life, but I can’t help but wish it could be accomplished without the cancer.
Hugs and prayers,
Loretta in GA
hi heather…it has been so long since i have come by but i was thinking about you tonight.
i was so sorry to hear about your dad in law’s passing.
here you are after two years with cancer, still pleasing the lord with your attitude.
heather you are such an inspiration.
this week i must get caught up with you, by reading your posts.
may the lord continue to be your strength….love terry
terrys last blog post..how big is god
Heather, You are a very strong individual even though you don’t feel so. I find you to be inspirational in the strength the Lord gives you.
Heather,
You and Mark (and your kiddos) are on my heart and in my prayers as you take one more step forward closer to the throne of grace. I did not know your Fil was ill. I have been absent myself. But Sunday is my Birthday and I can’t keep the day to myself anymore. the last three have been with you on my heart. I came by to say how thankful I am to be here for your milestone as well as my own.Day by day, our God is an awesome God.
Congratulations on a clean MRI and another year of watching your children grow!
Because of Jesus, Bobbie
Bobbies last blog post..Coming up for air!