I have been preparing for SheSpeaks this past month. I have my business cards almost done.. my outfits are almost complete (minus the fantabulous shoes that wont kill my feet that I am still in search for!) My briefcase and notebook are all ready to go. I need to prepare my proposals/devotions and put them together. So much to do between now and the conference.
When I think about it, I am no where near ready.
And then there is the fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of meeting the readers of my blog & wondering if those attending will think I am different than I am on here.
You know, the fear of insecurity.
Before my surgery, I was a complete extrovert. I was the life of the party and wanted to mingle with every one that I came in contact with. I was outspoken and fearless. Since my surgery… not so much. I fumble my words when I get nervous, which I never ever use to do. I often joke that they cut the extrovert part of my brain out and left me “boring”. I have had a hard time coming to grips with the “new me”.
I miss the old Heather who could make everyone laugh without even realizing it.
And then there is the wig issue. Should I go without one, or should I wear one.
See, AGH!! Darn insecurity.
My heart keeps telling my head that it isnt about the hair… (hey, I should make that the title of my devotional book!)…it isn’t about the outward appearance and what the world thinks about my outfits or for that matter, my wig. It is about the inside. It is about having Him mold me into the speaker/writer/sahm that He wants me to be. It is about pleasing Him with everything that I am and everything that I do.
It has nothing to do with me and EVERYTHING to do with Him.
I’ve lost sight of the one that really matters. I want to feel His touch in a way that I have never felt before. I want to go to this conference with a longing to be drawn closer to Him.
I want to feel Him again. Really feel Him.
I want to lose my pride in myself and place all of my pride in Him, because that is truly where it belongs.
Dear Father,
Prepare my heart for what you want from me. Make your will known to me. Help me follow you. Let me know that you are with me, holding my hand every step of the way. Teach me everything that I need to know to follow your will for my life, whether that be writing, speaking or simply staying home. I would be lying if I said that I wasnt terrified to go this conference, but you already know that. Hold my heart. Keep my eyes and heart focused on what you have for me, and not what I desire for myself.
Most of all, calm my fear.
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{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
You are right . . . just be yourself, the one He created, and you really know in your heart that everything will be alright.
Janices last blog post..A Grossed-Out Post . . . Check it out at your own risk!
I won’t be at the SheSpeaks conference, but if I were I’d love to get to meet you in person. I don’t think it matters whether you wear a wig or a beautiful scarf. The thing that matters is that you speak what God has given you because someone there is gong to need to hear it. You have an amazing opportunity to minister to someone that you may never be able to reach again. Don’t let satan (deliberately left uncapitalized) cheat you out of being a blessing or receiving one.
Theresas last blog post..A Story of Sweetness
I hope this isn’t out of line and if it is, please forgive me… Do you know when your hair will grow back? Has it started to?
I KNOW you will be AMAZING, as the LORD will shine through you! I have not had the hard happenings you have, and yet I can still somewhat relate. When I was growing up and as a young woman I was very confident and fearless. I am other than that as a Christian woman and mama, and I don’t always understand that… (((((HUGS))))) sandi
Love the honesty expressed in this post. I haven’t even met you yet, but I see a beautiful heart through your testimony! Can’t wait to meet you.
I am looking forward to meeting you Heather, with or without your wig.
The verse that keeps coming to my mind as I am preparing for the conference is 2 Corinthians 4:16 “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.”
Day by day, minute by minute.
Hi Heather. I think you should wear whatever makes you feel most comfortable. I will say it gets cold in those conference rooms so you may want something on your head just to keep you warm!
Be sure and introduce yourself to me if you spot me -I can’t wait to meet “boring Heather,” whom I’m certain I will love.
smiles ~ Rachel
Heather,
I am not going to She Speaks but I will be praying for you and all the other attendees.
Remember, you are a Daughter of the King. You are beautiful just as you are.
Saw your story over at Lisa’s blog and now am being blessed by looking through your archives, getting to “know” you before She Speaks. Look forward to meeting you and watching all that the Lord has in store for you.
Girl, you are one of the top 3 people that I cannot wait to meet. At least you at once HAD an extrovert part of your brain. Sometimes I pretend to be an extrovert but then I have to go to my room and crash for like 8 hours.
I’m horrible in person. I’m clumsy and dorky and cannot think of anything great to say until I’m home in front of my dumputer.
Betcha can’t wait to meet me huh? Oh I forgot, I have 3 eyes and a rash too.
Can I just say that I am SO excited to be riding down with you and Lisa. I cannot wait to meet and talk to you.
As far as wig or no wig – do what makes you feel good about yourself! Whichever you decide, I think you are awesome already and look forward to confirming that next week!
I’ve never heard of this conference, but I know you’ll be wonderful. People will be delighted to meet; especially those who have walked this road with you.
About the wig–I so totally understand. You see I have alopecia (hair loss) and have lost almost of the hair on my head. The doctor says it won’t come back, I have friends believing otherwise. But until it does, I have very little hair and bald spots, and wear a wig when I’m in public. My sister is coming to visit tonight and then we’re headed to visit the rest of the family (all out-of-state). My dh (who has really struggled with my condition) told me the other night that I needed to wear the wig all the time. I DON”T WANT TO. At the same time, though, I don’t want to scare people, especially my great nieces and nephews. I know the struggle.
Enjoy yourself, though.
Singer Indie.Arie has a song called I Am Not My Hair. Her struggles with her hair were for different reasons, and your story reminded me of the song. If you’re wearing a wig in the picture on your blog, I couldn’t tell. It looks great! Thanks for sharing. I hope to see you at She Speaks.
I wasn’t too worried until today. Now I’ve got to actually set up a blog with the name I bought a year ago, get some business cards and really make sure my tops and bottoms match and the comfy shoes aren’t Crocs, unless they’re the new designer ones. All in one week! No prob, right? : – )
Praying for you – you bless me so very much!
You are going to be a blessing, because that is who you are! I pray often and ask the Lord to hide you under His wings of Mercy. I don’t know so much of what you feel, I do know how you make others feel, better for being around you. Yes I am biased, but more then that I am blessed to be your dad. God Knows what He is doing, how you choose to trust Him helps us see Him as trustworthy. I LOVE YOU! Everyone you meet at Shespeaks will also, they probably already do. I can’t wait to hear what the Lord does there, and see what happens next. xxxooo
Dad
Hi Heather,
I enjoyed reading about you and your family, it really blessed me. :biggrin: God will keep you and bless you though all your difficult times as you well know.
I discovered your blog today from another blog I follow. I just wanted to say Hi
I pray you have a blessed time at the conference.
God Bless!
Heather: I’m new to your blog but I’m going to She Speaks (found you via the Meet Up link on In Passionate Pursuit blog). I just had to comment and tell you I LOVE the title “It’s Not About the Hair” for a devotion book. Cute, creative and catchy! Looking forward to meeting you
Thank you so much, Heather. This brought tears to my eyes. I’m getting very nervous about speaking and being prepared, and I needed the perspective.
Sounds to me like you’re in just the right place to be depending on Him and knowing when it’s over that it was Him at work and not you that amazed people or whatever.
I’ve been loving these verses lately:
“When I said, ‘My foot is slipping,’ your love, O LORD, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.” (Psalm 94:18-19)
“for the LORD will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared.” (Prov. 3:26)
May His love support you, may He be your confidence, and may He catch you when your feet slip… :silly: (and may He help you find cute comfy shoes.) Can’t wait to hear about what He does in and through you at the conference!
I would LOVE to hear you speak! If you EVER come near Canada (Manitoba to be exact) to speak, I would definitely attend!!! Blessings!
AMEN! Thanks for your honesty and your heart!Loved this post
I cannot wait to meet you my love!! You are an amazing woman and your courage inspires me. I’ll see you in a few days!!!!!!
eeeee!!!!
I think (hope) you’ll find all that nervousness melt away when you get there and see how warm and welcoming everyone is! I had a BLAST last year and it was my first ever blogging conference/get together. I was nervous, but there was no need to be.
I can’t WAIT to see you!
I can’t wait to meet you. We all are feeling insecure and unsure…that’s right where we need to be for God to fill us up and for HIM to do it all.
Chin up, it will be amazing.
Hi Heather! Great blog! I will also be attending the SheSpeaks conference and I had the hardest time finding shoes! I went to Journeys shoe store and found these adorable shoes – with an arch! I hope you can find some shoes soon!
Hey girl,
It was so great seeing you at She Speaks. I’m so glad I ran into you!