When I saw my name on His name, I didn’t quite grasp the true meaning behind the name Jehovah Jireh- I knew that it meant “He will provide”, but I didn’t quite grasp that through the sobs. And then it hit me:
Jehovah-jireh was the place in the land of Moriah where God told Abraham to offer his son Isaac as a burnt offering. Abraham named this place after Jehovah provided a ram to sacrifice in place of Isaac. Genesis 22:14
Now lets look at the parallel of my life circumstances with that verse Genesis 22:14
“And Abraham called the name of that place Jehovah jireh: as it is said to this day, In the mount of the LORD it shall be provided.”
When we first found out about Emma Grace, I had no idea how to deal with it. I wasn’t a very mature Christian at that time, and honestly was very very angry at the Lord (not that mature Christians aren’t!). One day I was at home all alone and just started screaming at Him, like he was standing in front of me. The tears started flowing and the anger came out (language and all, ya’ll). I had enough, no more. I couldnt bare to lose this child that I had spent the last seven months getting to know in my womb. I told him every. single. frustration, then sat in a ball on the floor and wept. It was in those moments that I felt so close to Him. The closeness was so very real that I could feel Him wrap his arms around me and tell me it was going to be alright. Whether He chose to take her, or leave her here for my family to love on, it was going to be alright because I had trusted Him with my hurt and honestly… my heart.
Fast forward to the cancer diagnosis. I honestly was a much stronger Christian by that point but I still felt the same way I did in my living room in the story above. It is amazing how you can feel so “big” in your faith until something comes along and knocks you off of your pedestal. Again, I found myself screaming at God (language and all). Again I had had enough. And again, I said no more please. (Well I didn’t really say please but it sound so much nicer than what I really said!) And again, I wept. I couldnt imagine leaving my family here. I couldnt imagine the hurt and heartache they would face with me here (pompous much!) I had so much more life to live, and I wanted to live it. I was very very very honest with my Savior at this point. I poured out my heart and my fears and just wept at His feet. And it was in those moments, again, that I felt so very close to Him. It was in those moments, again, that I felt Him hold my heart. And it was in those moments again that I felt him say “I will provide”.
I have to tell you that when I saw Lisa’s name on Jehovah-Rophe “The Lord that Heals”, I had to stop and ponder that for a moment. I prayed for so long for me and my daughter to be healed. Really really prayed. But when I stopped and thought about how much the Lord has provided… I got literal and spiritual goosebumps.
He will provide for me, despite me and my selfish desires. He will provide despite the doctors diagnosis and the prognosis. He will provide all of the things He promised for me in His word. They may not be what I expect, but they will be what He desires.
He will provide the desires of my heart, if my heart is in alignment to His will.
The last part of that sentence was very hard to write, but oh so true.
So when I saw my name on Jehovah Jireh, it all made perfect earthly sense.
He has provided, and He continues to do so.
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What a tender yet heart-wrenching post, Heather. Oh, the crush of those words: if my heart is in alignment with His will. It’s SO hard to let go of our wills! I confess I’m not always willing…at least, not at first. There always seems to be the convincing part.
Did we talk about where we both live at She Speaks? I think we’re in the same town. Maybe we can get together some time!
Wow. Thank you for sharing a very raw, real and heart wrenching experience. May you always remember he is your Jehovah Jireh. (((HUGS)))
well said HD
Hubby
Blessings Heather…I knew that you’d get the impact of Jehovah Jireh for you! Though you may have thought that Jehovah Rophe should have been for you…this Name as you are discovering or recovering has much more depth than HEALER.(Though that encompasses a great deal as well)!
I don’t remember where or when I read that this was the One you received at sHe Speaks but I knew that when you wrote on this…you’d GET it! But it’s so much more! I knew you had the “head” knowledge, now it needed to penetrate your heart.
When you started this with Abraham’s story on Moriah, that was perfect…but you left that place before really grasping this further(if you don’t mind me sharing).
I love that you got the connection & related the double WHAMMY experiences in your personal journey, but now make the link to Abraham & what God was asking of Him when He provided! You see, Abraham, father of great faith, needed to TRUST God with more than his own life, he needed to Trust God with the life of his only heir, special one to his heart. Can you see it now? Can you sense the mighty work God has called & is calling you to do in His Name & as a testimony of WHO HE IS! He is your Provider & that’s more than health & wealth! He PROVIDES a way out, He provides WISDOM, He provides GRACE, He even provided HIS ONLY SON as a sacrifice, so that we wouldn’t have to nor could we in many cases…and even if we were called to give up our own, it could never measure up or cover what His sacrifice ultimately does,…oh it would hurt deeply, we would sense & grieve the loss, we may have enough Hope & even faith to grow beyond the significant loss, but Our Father, as Abraham was ready…we need to be ready & step out or to the next step in FAITH. He will get you beyond today, beyond yourself, beyond your precious Emma, to the
REAL MIRACLE both of you have received.
I am always blessed by you & as you awaken & stay real to God’s Truth working & being completed in you!
“By George, I think you got it!” (The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain):) Love & hugs…
.-= Peggy´s last blog ..WORTHY OF ALL PRAISE! =-.
Oh Heather,
Thank you for writing this – for your dear, honest, transparent heart. I have been exactly where you were. I felt all those same things. And He was all those things to me too.
We have such a loving Father. The thing that surprised me most was peace. Slowly it came and just filled my heart, and I thought I would never feel it again.
.-= Linda´s last blog ..New Sink (almost) =-.
So raw and real. Thanks for your honestly. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who screams at God from time to time. You know He made us that way, right? We’re a little feisty. And I like it that way.
.-= Hillary @ The Other Mama´s last blog ..Apron Fest 09- Givewaway and Recipe =-.
I just want to add that his morning when I woke up, I heard Pastor Steve Mays on the radio and he said another meaning of Jehovah Jireh is God sees. I thought of you. Yes, God sees, He knows and He provides.
I love your new tag line by the way.
.-= ~Grace & Peace´s last blog ..On Being a Mighty Warrior =-.
Thank you, dear Heather, for sharing your heart!
I read this post, popped over to another one, and then decided to come back. I usually don’t read other people’s comments but I did here– and saw Peggy’s comment.
It was exactly what I needed to hear. Exactly what I need to truly grasp!
My youngest son passed away almost a year ago. It has been hard, but God has given me much grace exactly when I needed it. I have even gotten over the fear of losing my other children and my husband (boy was that difficult). Because I know that no matter what, I will see them again in Heaven– when our real and best lives begin!
What I have not been able to let go of, however, is my fear FOR my husband and children. Would they be okay without me? I don’t want them to suffer heartache. I don’t want them to go through more pain. They need me, dangit!
But God will provide. He will provide for THEM. Even without me. Can I trust Him with them? Will I trust Him with them?
I have to. And I will.
Thank you for being a part of bringing me to that conclusion… to letting go of fear. Words fail me now so I guess I’ll end my novel of a comment.
.-= Marsha´s last blog ..Is there an entomologist in da hizouse? =-.
What a precious look into your heart. All I can think to say is “Wow, God is good!” I’m so thankful this is the first blog I read after my quiet time this morning, because my day has been changed because of it. Again, wow, God is good.
.-= LauraLee@Selah´s last blog ..She Hides at She Speaks =-.
i know that in my head, but my heart is taking a long time to get it.
.-= melissa stover´s last blog ..Defining Your Bloggy Purpose =-.
I’ve been a reader on your site for quite some time, but only an occasional commenter. I’ve been reading your posts with a new set of eyes since my own cancer diagnosis last month. Thanks so much for your honest and uplifting words.
Don’t you love it when head knowledge moves deep into your heart!!!!
Our number one job as parents is to open our children’s eyes to God’s love and God’s ways. But first we have to learn about God’s love and God’s ways.
I recently wrote about me yelling at God. http://bit.ly/106DCS
I so understand and He does too. God forgives so quickly. His grace and judgment teach us. We know He loves us deeply when is patiently waits for us to “get it”
Bless you,
Robin
.-= Robin Sampson´s last blog ..Born Alive Abortions =-.
Because I dwell in the secret place
Of the Most High,
I shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the Lord,
You are My Refuge and my Fortress:
My God; In You will I trust.
Surely You will deliver me from
The snare of the fowler,
And from the deadly pestilence.
You shall cover me with Your feathers,
And under Your wings shall I trust.
Your truth shall be my shield and buckler.
I shall not be afraid of the terror by night;
Or of the arrow that flies by day;
Or of the pestilence that walks in darkness;
Or of the destruction that lays waste at noonday.
A thousand may fall at my side,
And ten thousand at my right hand,
But it shall not come near me.
Only with my eyes will I behold and see the reward of the wicked.
Because I have made the Lord,
Who is my Refuge,
Even the Most High,
My dwelling place,
There shall no evil befall me,
Neither shall any evil come near my house.
For You shall give Your angels charge over me,
To keep me in all of my ways.
They shall bear me up on their hands,
Lest I dash my foot on a stone.
I shall tread upon the lion and adder;
The young lion and the serpent
I shall trample under foot.
Because I have set my love upon You,
Therefore You will deliver me.
You will set me on high,
Because I have known Your Name.
I shall call upon You,
And You will answer me.
You will be with me in trouble;
You will deliver me,
And honor me.
With long life You will satisfy me,
And show me Your salvation.
.-= Robin Sampson´s last blog ..Born Alive Abortions =-.
Oh this speaks to me…I spend the afternoon in tears pleading with God. I know he can carry my burdens and worries…but I need to give them to Him.
It has been just over two years since my husband passed away…I still struggle with the anger at times! I know the blessings that I’ve be given and He has lifted me…somedays it is just not that easy to deal with it all! I’m so glad He is gracious and His mercies are new every day!
.-= Annie´s last blog ..Time =-.
Such a beautiful, tender, real explanation of the Name.
Thank you.
.-= Carol´s last blog ..Life at the end of you… =-.
Heather,
God’s will is all that we need. He loves you, and so do we.
Bob and Sweet Betty
I have followed your story from the beginning and have bee so touched by your courage. so glad that I stopped tonight. This summer has been so crazy that I have not visited some of my favorite blogs often. I always enjoy stopping by yours. Have a Happy Sunday! I have a giveaway going through Monday morning.
Just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you today. That’s all.
.-= kellui´s last blog ..Update- Sat night =-.