He Really Means It…

This entry was posted on November 10, 2006

I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you”
-Isaiah 46:4b

So many times I have found myself crying out to God, “Where are you?” So many times I have found myself on my knee’s begging for Him to step in and make things right, mend my heart, heal my daughter, remove the suffering from our family. So many times I have felt alone, angry, depressed, outraged, and empty.

There are Christians who would condemn me for writing that, but honestly- Its honest. God doesnt want me to hide behind a deceitful facade, and He didn’t give this burden to our family so that we could pretend that it hasnt brought us to our knees on many occasions. Honestly, we are on our knees more than we are in the upright position.

The first time after my daughters initial diagnosis that I felt my heart shift was watching my husbands face as the doctors explained our odds- our future. It wasn’t a strong face, it was a face of complete despair on a man who loved His savior more than anything yet questioned his faith at that moment in time. It was an honest expression during a heart wrenching moment. He was our provider, and he couldnt fix this. My husband rarely talks about his youngest child without tears. Tears of a father who’s heart breaks for a little girl who he loves overwhelmingly. His tears are real and they are honest. They dont make him weak, they prove his strength- they show those in his presence that his God truly cares about the pains of their heart.

We have been asked on many occasions how we face the things that have been delt to us. Honestly, we both deal differently. Its funny because we both have life scriptures that we cling to, scriptures that were part of our testimony long before Emma was even a thought. Both have to do with moving forward, pressing on and attaining the prize. Yet for both of us, sometimes we just want to sit and ask those deep questions- and cry. My grief is probably more evident emotionally, but lets face it – I am a woman! His grief is evident in the quiet moments he spends with her, the gentle things he whispers in her ear when I cant hear him.

I will never forget the vision of my strong husband leaning over the bed of his daughter in ICU praying quietly for a miracle. It is forever etched in my mind.

“I will sustain you, I will rescue you”

We strongly believe that. I believe it in the core of everything I am. My savior rescues me on a daily basis. He may not rescue me by removing the source of our pain, but He holds us through it. He wraps his hand around the shoulders of a loving father and tells him He is there, He knows, and He cares.

That is the one thing that I hope our journey helps others grasp… He is always there, even when you cant feel him, even when you feel angry, alone, bitter, depressed. His promise isn’t to remove those things from your life….

His promise is to hold you through them.