Life is terminal…

SelfPortrait

We had cancer.
We may get it again.
We may not get it again.
Life is always terminal;
Cancer may or may not be.

As I sit her and read those words, I am reminded of the overwhelming feelings I had when I first found out that I had brain cancer. I cant really describe what I felt other than saying that I felt numb. Void of emotion.

Utter loss of control.

That is what is the hardest part for us cancer survivors, loss of control. Waiting for that other proverbial shoe to drop. The next scan, the next doctors appointment. The next….

One of the hardest things that I had to face was losing my hair. I remember that day so vividly. Honestly, I would walk by a mirror and just bawl. I stopped looking in the mirror at one point and decided to dawn the wig. I remember the pain and the searing loss that I felt as I walked by the mirror. I felt fake with my wig on but without it I looked like a cancer patient.

I was a cancer patient.

I still am.

And I wear my bald head proudly now.

But honestly, the odds of my brain tumor coming back are great; and I have to face that every single day for the rest of my life. The “what ifs” and the “why me’s”. The fear of the unknown. The constant lack of control.

It is a vicious circle that never ends.

But when I read the words “Life is terminal”; I am reminded yet again that life is terminal. Non of us make it out of here alive. I am reminded that I do not have to be brave on my own. I do not have to face tomorrow with fear….

Because either way… this ends well for me.

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Comments

  1. “I am reminded that I do not have to be brave on my own. I do not have to face tomorrow with fear….
    Because either way… this ends well for me.”

    You have touched my heart once again, sister. All of a sudden, I’m craving a cheese hamburger and a big hug.
    .-= LauraLee@Selah´s last blog ..Trivial Pursuit =-.

  2. LOL! I so miss you! BTW I wonder how his pastry/barbershop idea is going for him? :tongue:

    /one sided convo :blush:

  3. Thank you for that!

  4. I’ve been reading your blog since I found you through inCourage but this is the first time I’ve commented. My dad has glioblastoma multiforme. We are trying to learn to live with this “new normal.” It’s hard to not just live from appointment to appointment or scan to scan. It’s hard to remember that life is what’s happening between the appointments and scans. My dad has been a minister for all of my life and longer. It’s so hard when the minister needs the ministering. It’s tough but I know God is tougher. Your words rang so very true today. Thank you for taking the time to write them and share them with us.
    .-= whimzie´s last blog ..What Difference Do It Make? =-.

  5. Excellent post. Thank you!
    You show amazing courage. I stand in awe. By the way, I like your new “do.” Cute, courageous (there’s that word again) and way cool.

    Blessings, Lucy :silly:

  6. Thank you for this post. Praying for you!
    .-= Heather @ CSAHM´s last blog ..{QOTW} Do You Celebrate Halloween? =-.

  7. Beautifully written. One time, Butterfly cried out to me that she was scared her sister was going to die. I matter of factly said she is. And so are you. That settled hard in her spirit, but she finally understood and started enjoying her sister’s life. Right now, we are in the waiting for the shoe to drop stage. Sometimes, in this stage, I can forget there is another shoe. Sometimes.
    .-= Tricia´s last blog ..Snapshot Saturday =-.

  8. You are a hero. And frankly, with you in the fight, I feel sorry for cancer. :)
    Love ya, friend.
    .-= carol´s last blog ..Until Words Return…. =-.

  9. You are such a good writer and when I read your blog,it makes me feel inspired even though what I have read may also make me feel sad. You are in my prayers. Thank you for sharing your gifts.
    Leigh

  10. Wow, this was such an excellent post!! Thinking of you! You are such an inspiration! :)

  11. Thank you for blogging. My sister found out last week that she has a treatable but not curable cancer. It still hasn’t sunk in all the way but I am comforted by the fact that God already knew and knows exactly what the future holds. That being said, I sure would like some answers. Wink! I am sure you can relate.
    Smiles!
    .-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Please pray =-.

  12. I love this post. I love that life is terminal, because you know what? For Christians, this is as bad as it is going to get! Heaven awaits us, and I am smiling about that :)

  13. I love your last statement…”because either way this ends well for me!” Great reminder Heather! Thank you for that!
    .-= Sandy @ Jesus and Dark Chocolate´s last blog ..Run the Race =-.

  14. Hi Heather,

    I think about that every day, that we are here for such a short time. And I confess I am afraid, afraid that God might not want me, that maybe I have sinned the “wrong” sin, and that I won’t be forgiven. The not knowing is so horrible and then at the same time we can go to the promises that God does care and love me, or people say He does. Then I think about what “if” we take with us all the pain from this world, that it may not be so great that I wish I would have stayed in mothers womb or never even gotten in there, that I should have been asked if I wante to be on this planet, I feel utterly lost, afraid, alone. I don’t have the faith you do, I wish I did, and I do feel for you. I think about you often,how much faith you have, and I hope just a bit.
    .-= Marie ´s last blog .. =-.

  15. I was so proud of you for going without your wig at She Speaks!! I love the bald look and I desperately miss you! Life is terminal – for everyone. We all need to remember that!
    .-= Lisa B @ simply His´s last blog ..Catching up =-.