We had cancer.
We may get it again.
We may not get it again.
Life is always terminal;
Cancer may or may not be.
As I sit her and read those words, I am reminded of the overwhelming feelings I had when I first found out that I had brain cancer. I cant really describe what I felt other than saying that I felt numb. Void of emotion.
Utter loss of control.
That is what is the hardest part for us cancer survivors, loss of control. Waiting for that other proverbial shoe to drop. The next scan, the next doctors appointment. The next….
One of the hardest things that I had to face was losing my hair. I remember that day so vividly. Honestly, I would walk by a mirror and just bawl. I stopped looking in the mirror at one point and decided to dawn the wig. I remember the pain and the searing loss that I felt as I walked by the mirror. I felt fake with my wig on but without it I looked like a cancer patient.
I was a cancer patient.
I still am.
And I wear my bald head proudly now.
But honestly, the odds of my brain tumor coming back are great; and I have to face that every single day for the rest of my life. The “what ifs” and the “why me’s”. The fear of the unknown. The constant lack of control.
It is a vicious circle that never ends.
But when I read the words “Life is terminal”; I am reminded yet again that life is terminal. Non of us make it out of here alive. I am reminded that I do not have to be brave on my own. I do not have to face tomorrow with fear….
Because either way… this ends well for me.