Lament: To express grief for or about; mourn
At church yesterday during the prayer time at the end of the service I started to silently cry. Then the crying led to an audible cry. And then, before I knew it I was trying to hold back the sounds of my tears. Yesterday’s sermon was not really a sermon but a testimony time of the Women’s Retreat that I am so sorry I missed. All of these women came back refreshed, revived, RENEWED.
I need that. I want that. I long for that. But something is holding me back from experiencing that.
Reading over at Sleeping with Bread this morning, Mary Lue wrote on Lamenting, and how it was hindering her spiritual growth, and how the sermon at her church yesterday pushed her to lay those things down at the foot of the cross. It got me thinking about what was hindering my relationship with my Father, and thus I needed to lay down.
Guilt. Failure. Resentment. Grief. Anger. Bitterness. Loss. Helplessness.
To say that I have been all of these things in the last three months is a HUGE understatement. I have guilt that I cant get rid of, guilt about Emma and what I could have done differently or sooner. Failure because I simply can’t do it all. Resentment because my flesh screams “Why!” Grief over the loss of the old Emma, my old life, my old normal…again. Bitterness because I just can’t let it all go. Loss because everyday I am reminded of the things that she use to be able to do, but now can’t.
Helplessness, because I can’t fix this.
But I have to keep reminding myself that I know the ONE who can…. no matter how hard that is.
Oh Heather~ My heart goes out to you. I can only imagine what you are going through. I have been going through some things that have me feeling a lot of the same things you are feeling. I can so relate. I, too, and trying to give it to God. There are things in our lives that we have no control over and when that happens the very best thing we can do is give it to him. Hold onto your faith and hope. These are also some of the conclusions that I have come to through my family’s trial. You have been such a blessing to me – You have gone through so very much but you are faithful and your witness for “the glory of God” has been awesome.
)
May God give you the serenity that you need,
Lisa
Oh sweetie. Learning to lay those emotions down at the foot of the cross is probably the hardest thing to do. I’m saying a prayer for you today that you can give Him just one. The relief that will come should give you the power to lay down the rest. He knows all of it and wants to take it from you if you’ll just let him. ((hugs))
That song is precious, and always leaves me with goosebumps and tears in my eyes. Praise Him that He can and we can’t. Praise Him that he loves and we try our best to obey. He never leaves us, nor forsakes us. Love you, Heather!
Heather,
You are not a super hero. You are a person. Of course you are struggling with those emotions. Your family has been to hell & back with your cancer & now your baby girl. God knows your heart and he knows every feeling you are having. He is feeling it to. None of this is your fault you are an awesome mom and there is NOTHING you could’ve done better, sooner. faster or anything else. He never said it would be easy, he said it would be worth it. Don’t tell God how big your storm is…tell your storm how big God is. I have had a lot of trials in my life and i believe (in my case) that some of these things had to happen so that other people could see how a “CHRISTIAN” handles the bad things that come our way. i am praying for little emma and i believe with my whole heart that she is going to come back to her mommy, but honey it is going to be in God’s time. i know she is still in there. i am praying for you and your whole family and for you i am praying for Our Father to hold you in His arms and give you peace & comfort.
Love
Shellie
Thank you for being so honest. Always.
I’m so sorry…I feel your pain in your post. I know what it means to have no control over your child. When I had my first child I said to my older brother (8 years older and three children wiser than me), “I can’t believe she’s mine.” My brother looked at me and said, “She really isn’t.” It took me a while to understand that, but they really aren’t ours. Our God has a plan…one day we’ll get to ask why. Heartfelt thoughts to you.
I could have written this. And adding the whole knee surgery, no clearer diagnosis than we had 24 hours ago just adds and adds.
I am officially buried.
However, I pray you are able to be at peace, my sweet Heather, you and Mark, and the 3e’S. Because I love y’all.
Heather, my heart breaks for you. You are carrying so many emotions right now, and rightly so. It’s hard to lay these things down at the foot of the cross, especially when we are doing it daily, and at times, moment-by-moment. I will pray and ask God to give you the strength to allow Him to take these things and bring healing. My continued prayers for your precious Emma and for you.
Was wondering how you are, and now I know. Thank you for expressing yourself to those around you who truly care, so we know how to pray. Pray….. it seems thats all we can do sometimes and that statement can seem old, but its the most powerful thing we can do. I miss the Easton & Eli but hope you are enjoying them and spending quality time as a family without school. Im always here to support you and your family. Keep confessing… God is listening and cares…. He will NEVER forsake you.
Heather,
You are so humble and so transparent. That gives us more strength than you will ever know. We are praying for you and your family. We love you all!
I am so sorry. Sending you strength.
My thoughts and prayers are with you Heather , Emma and your entire family. We are human . I also feel that if I were in your shoes there would be such a mix of emotions and thoughts. What I love about you Heather is you share your precious heart. You share not only as you but as a mom to. I think all one can do when our children go through such traumatic things and we do with them. All we can do is take it one hour at times some times. One day..Because looking at it all is so overwhelming. Moment to moment as someone said. Some how its easier..not better just easier to handle. I pray God blesses you with the strength it takes.. When I am not here or don’t post. I continue to constantly pray for you and your family.
Lamenting is ok. We are not used to letting our feelings out and it’s not easy.
God is big enough for our grief and questions and bitterness even. There is no right way to go through trials. Grief looks different in every situation.
Keep looking to Jesus and holding on. Trust that He is good no matter what the feelings say.