Trusting is hard…

In the past few months, I have learned and relearned what trust truly is, and what it truly means. I have cried so hard and begged so deep that the wounds are still on my heart and in my words. I have bargained, I have pleaded, I have doubted, I have screamed.

Yet I still trust.

I trust that He is faithful.
I trust that He is sovereign.
I trust that He is in total control.
I trust that He knows best.
I trust that he hears every tear that I have dropped.
I trust that He knows the answers to every question that I have asked.

I trust that He is good and loving, even when it feels that He is not..

I know that some of you are wondering how I can trust so much in someone that I cannot see, but I have seen His fingerprints all over my life. I saw Him in the eyes of my beautiful daughter, and I know He is real. I know that He loves her so much more than I could ever love her. I know that He numbered the days of her life even before she was a speck in my heart. I know that the angels rejoiced when she was called home, and I rejoiced in the bittersweet moment that she was completely whole.

I know that even though we were her parents, she raised us.

And I trust. Even when I doubt, my heart trusts my Savior. Even when I ask so many questions that I know have no answers this side of heaven, I trust.

This pain cuts so deep, but the realization that heaven is our reward makes me trust Him even more.

So for those of you who do not know how I face another day:

I trust my Savior to give me the strength to go on, moment by moment.

And I trust that this is not the end of her journey… Her journey has just begun.

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Comments

  1. Heather,
    I hope you know how many hugs and prayers are coming your way from so far.

    Love you, my friend. XOXO
    ~Kendra

  2. I also trust that her journey has just begun…..hugs

  3. I love you and am praying for you!

  4. <3

  5. This is one of the most powerful testimonies I have ever read. I have been praying for all of you.

  6. I’ve been following along on your journey for some time now and want you to know how very sorry I am for your loss but I’m so blessed by your testimony of God’s grace and your trust in Him. May you and your family know God’s peace and comfort in great measure in the days ahead.

  7. Heather,

    You amaze me! I’m going through some difficult times with one of my children and its very painful when you cant fix their health issues. What you are going through is much worse. I wish I could hug you and make all of this hurt go away. When I feel like throwing my hands in the air and screaming at God, I’m reminded of YOUR testimony. Having a great testimony is wonderful, but “getting” that testimony sure is hard. I’ve heard it said once that you may be the only Bible some people read. I hope that all that reads your blog can see your love for GOD and HIS for us. You are the Christian that I want to be. Thank you so much for allowing strangers to peer into your life. You have been such a blessing to me!!!! I am praying for your family.

  8. Oh how my heart aches at the reading of this – I can so hear your tears and yet so hear and feel your trust. Thank you for letting everyone know that one does not negate the other! {{{Hugs}}}

  9. What a beautiful post! May God continue to bless you as you trust him each day! I stand in awe of my risen Savior and the works he does in peoples lives!

  10. well spoken, my friend…

  11. These feel like anointed words to me.

    What a powerful testimony to the Living God, and to the very alive Emma Grace.

  12. VHiggins says:

    *hugs* Your family is wrapped up in prayers.

  13. Faith is such a beautiful thing to see.

  14. I rarely comment here, but know you are never far from my thoughts and prayers. Also remember it is okay to not always be strong. You are loved!

  15. I saw the link at Sweet Shot Tuesday and came to let you know you and your family are in my prayers. And oh, what an awesome testimony! And what a blessing to know that your beloved child is leaving just a vital legacy from heaven as she did here on earth. God is good and ALWAYS in control and I am blessed to have seen that truth in your family. Thank you.

  16. Your faith….as always….restores mine.

  17. The testimony of your faith through your pain and loss will speak to many – may God continue to hold you close, Jx

  18. Please know that you and your whole family are in my prayers and the prayers of our parish community. There is nothing to say that will take away the ache that is in your heart, but your strong faith will support you as you go through this very difficult time.

  19. Heather, day by day, minute by minute, step by step. That’s all any of us can do, but mostly we don’t even realize that until something happens to make us stop and open our eyes to what really is in our control.

    Since losing our son in December, I feel like I understand for the first time what it means that all of creation is groaning under the weight of sin. And just what that means. And just exactly what the fall meant.

    And just how beautiful Heaven will be. Is, even.

  20. I have just read through your last few posts and this one with tears running down my face… I am so deeply moved by this story, by your words and your heart. I love that through it all you still trust and dialogue it so beautifully. May it all be well with your soul. This story will be a beautiful book. xx

Trackbacks

  1. […] Today I was praying for a blog “friend” (I’ve never met her, but she has touched my heart. very. deeply.) Heather. She has had to battle brain cancer herself and she just recently had her youngest daughter go home to be with the Lord after an extended illness. Althought both of those things are incredibly (that word isn’t even enough) hard, she still genuinely trusts God. […]