That Day….

2 days before the Lord called you home, I walked into your hospital room and prayed. I asked the Lord to give you peace, because I knew that you didn’t have long on this earth. I asked him to take away your pain, because I know you were in so much pain. I asked him to give me strength because I did not want to say goodbye.

1 Day before the Lord called you home, I sang to you all of the songs that we use to sing together. Even though you couldn’t sing them with me, I sang them to you. “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star”, “I see the moon”,” Emma Grace she so pretty”, “Itsy bitsy spider”, and your favorite “Deck The Halls”… I held your hand in mine and kissed your fingers. I memorized your face, like I had done so many times before… but this time was different. This time I knew…

The day the Lord called you home, I knelt by your bed and whispered in your ear. I had promised you when you were born that I would fight for you, despite what all of the doctors said, I would fight until you stopped fighting. I told you that it was okay to stop fighting, I knew in my heart that you would soon be gone. You opened your eyes as if to say “Okay, I’m ready” and quickly closed them again. That was the last time I saw your beautiful blue eyes. I memorized them, because I knew in my heart that you would not open them for me again.

At 2pm. Your dad and I met with the doctors….they told us that you would never come off life support, that you would never be the Emma that we knew and had grown to love over the last 9+years. That your heart was failing you. They told us that you would pass away once everything was turned off. They gave us our options, we chose to turn off the machines.

At 6:45 I held you for the last time.

At 7:15 on April 22nd (Good Friday), you received your healing.

Right then and there, I felt peace yet heartache all at the same time. I felt sorrow yet joy.

I felt peace because I knew that you were instantly healed, yet heartache because I knew you were gone.

I felt sorrow because I wanted you back, yet joy because I knew you were dancing with your donor at His feet at that exact moment.

But mostly, I felt alone.

For 9+ years I had been your “ma’am”. I had been your advocate. I had been your supporter. I had been “The Mommy”

You were my life. I didn’t know what to be with you gone.

I still don’t.

I have turned your room into my writing room. I have your pictures from the Celebration Service on the wall across from my desk. You are my inspiration. Your life inspires me to be so much more than I am right now. Your laugh fills this room. It pierces my heart. You are never far from my mind.

I have a love/hate relationship with “That Day”.

I hate it because it was the day you died.

I love it because on April 22nd, you were healed.

And that, my sweet girl, was my only longing and prayer for you.

To be healed.

EmmaUp

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Comments

  1. So, so beautiful.

  2. Praying for you Heather. May you feel His gentle arms around you.

  3. Heart-rendingly beautiful.

  4. My heart is breaking for you Heather

  5. My tears stream for you. I understand. We had THAT DAY too on December 15, 2009. We had to turn off life support and it was only seconds later that our son, Andrew, was gone. He had gone home. But still I want him back in our home until we can all go HOME together.
    I am just so sorry that you are walking this path. It is a difficult one and only another mother who has lost a precious child understands the rocky road of grief.
    I have thought of you and I pray for you.

  6. Beautifully written. May you find peace and healing. {hugs}

  7. Oh, Heather. So much love.

  8. Melissa says:

    I was so certain that if Emma could hang on long enough for me to get there and be with you again that I could help to give you the strength that you needed, but I know hat you already had what you needed from a power greater than I.
    I wish that her heart had not failed her. I wish that she was still with you, at home, being Emma. I know that you do, too, and I would expect nothing different.
    You are STILL The Mommy. You are still Emma’s mommy, and you did more for her than many of us would have known or thought to do. You put Emma first, at every opportunity. She was here for as long as she was because of you and she lived a very good, happy, loving life.

  9. beautiful <3

  10. My heart weeps for your broken heart, but I kept having this thought as I read your post:
    If only every child had love in their life like your love for Emma Grace.
    Praying for your continued strength and love and peace.

  11. Loving you Heather and praying you through these many days. My heart breaks for you as you head down this journey, knowing that it is God that is gently carrying you through. I wish I was there to give you a hug sweetie. I love you.

    Love and Hugs, Laurie

  12. Heart breaking to read, thanks for sharing with us.

  13. Christine says:

    I wish I had words to comfort you. You and your family is in my prayers and my heart.
    Love
    Christine

  14. Those are powerful words … !

  15. I cried my way through this whole post. Beautiful. Hugs to you and your family, and many, many prayers on y’alls behalf!

  16. Crying as I read this. My heart goes out to you. I don’t have the right words to comfort but I do pray to the One who can comfort you. {{hugs}}

  17. My heart is so heavy for you and I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. May the Lord continue to minister His abundant grace and peace to you. Lord bless you, Heather.

  18. You are such a good mother, Heather.

  19. How very blessed you and your little Emma are to have each other. Beautifully and lovingly written.

  20. You’ll see Emma’s beautiful eyes again, Heather –

    It’s the waiting until then that is so agonizing –

  21. Oh, please keep writing out the pain – and the joy. Your entire story is such a beautiful one, so deeply poignant, speaking to so much of what is true about our life here on earth. This swirling mix of pain and joy, laughter and sorrow, singing and lamenting. You are in the middle of the refiner’s fire right now and the pain is searing and deep. And writing it out is just exactly what you must do – move through that pain, acknowledging it, living it, never denying it or stuffing it. You will emerge from this particular part of the cauldron, but it takes time, it takes tears, it takes God’s grace and comforting presence. You will always feel this tender mix of sadness and joy, relief, wonder and heartbreak. But it will be transformed as you allow the work of grief to happen in and through you – transformed into something that will amaze you and all who know and love you. Thank you for sharing the rawness of this time with all of us. It informs our prayers for you and it opens our hearts to the realities of loss in this life. You are a gift. Emma is a gift. You and she are treasures. Oh my.

  22. Culpepper says:

    Not sure what to say. Thank you for sharing. Please know that you are prayed for and loved.

  23. Oh, Heather, our loving Father is using you as you write out your pain and sorrow and sweet memories. We are all learning so much about loving and trusting God and faith. And I am grateful for every day and moment that God has given me with my kids. Thank you for sharing your heart!

  24. Beautifully written. May you find peace and healing.
    Thank you for sharing.

  25. Thanks for sharing. My daughter (age 6), too, has Mitochondrial disorder and is severely affected. I know this day will come for us as well. It’s hard to comprehend but reading through your journey helps me to process what possibilities are in our God-given future. If your daughter was anything like ours, I’m sure the joy and learning experiences she brought with her were worth the struggles. Thank you.

  26. Momma sentiments are sacred and beautiful.

    Thank you for sharing yours in the midst of your sorrow and joy.

  27. How difficult it must have been for you and your family to let go of Emma. I cannot imagine the pain, the grief. I had to bid someone goodbye who was on life support but, it was not my child.

    I pray for your family every day. I look forward to reading your encouraging words. In them I find peace because you too are looking for our eternal life to see your loved one again. When I read your blog I feel so much less afraid and stronger because I read that you truly believe and, hang on to the words of God to get you through the day. I see that you don’t know some scriptures but, that you know the Lord.

  28. Dee Dee says:

    I love that Emma Grace’s room has become your writing room. Do you know how easy it would have been for you to close it up and refuse to go into it for a year? I love that you are meeting it all head on and sitting right there where you can know her presence even though it’s the place that shows she’s no longer there as she was. Good for you. Praying, praying.

  29. My heart breaks for you Heather. I just cannot imagine the angst you feel. Praying for the Lord to comfort you as you write and just to get you through the days. Praying.

  30. My heart aches…I have no wonderful words…I do have a Father who knows how much you hurt and is willing and waiting to heal you of your hurts. You are still a mom to Emma Grace…you did all for her. Now she is completely healed and is waiting for the day when all her family is home with her again. She is in no pain…we are in pain for losing such a wonderful little girl. My heart and prayers go on for you…

  31. Michelle P. says:

    Oh my Beautiful Friend – your courage, strength and grace continue to amaze me. You have no idea how impacting these last three and a half years have been, for Andrew and I to see you and Mark live out your faith. You have truly exemplified the Gospel of Christ.

    As I said at Emma’s Celebration of Life service, the Lord could not have chosen better parents for Emma. And for Eli and Easton for that matter. You have set the example of what Godly parents are and how to train up a child.

    I believe the Lord has plans for Emma’s story and I know you and Mark will steward it well.

    Love you loads!
    Mishka

  32. Thank you for allowing me to share in your pain. My heart continues to break for you. I am so thankful your Emma Grace is finally healed; yet I cannot imagine the space in your heart. Praying God comes in like a flood!!!

  33. That was so wonderfully beautiful. I am praying for you and your family.

  34. marianne says:

    praying for you today heather, simply praying for your peace.blessings.

  35. Heather, I am so very sorry for your pain. I am so sorry for the loss you have suffered. I pray that you have an abundance of believers who will always be willing to listen when you need to talk about Emma. Praise God for the blessing she was and will always be in your life. I lost my daughter, Molly in 1995. I think about her everyday and miss what I wish we would have had here on earth. I praise God for the 19 months and 5 days that she was here with her brothers and sister. God is faithful and through His plan, you will find strength. God bless.

  36. It is difficult to type for the tears Heather. I woke up with you on my heart this morning, and I whispered a prayer that He would hold you tight and somehow comfort you. I marvel, that although we have never met our hearts are knit together in the One we love. He uses you, precious girl, in ways that you will never know.
    Praying for you.

  37. I tried to leave a message before…guess it got lost.

    TEARS** Oh my friend. I know you miss Emma Grace. She is His own beloved, right at Jesus’ side. I am living in the light of THAT DAY with you, LONGING. Though I have never met you face to face, I have heart to heart. And you are a LIGHT in this world, friend. I love you much and will not stop praying for you, Mark, the kids and your families. Until we meet, Love across the miles! Holly

  38. Dear Heather,

    I am learning how to be a selfless mum and to give unconditional love to my child through the amazing life of Emma and You. Like others, I’ve not met you in person, but you and your family are closer to me than my next door neighbour. I behold Angel Emma face with her sparkling blue eyes even now as I offer prayers of healing and strength for you and your family. Love & hugs to you.

  39. Wish I had words that would soothe your hurt….
    ((hugs)) and prayers for you and your whole family
    Mary

  40. As the tears roll down my face, my thoughts are with you – never was a child more loved!

  41. So beautifully stated….I will be praying for you…and your family. God bless you all….

  42. As far as mothers go? You are the best among us.

  43. Chrissy says:

    Thank you for sharing Emma’s life with us. I pray that the peace of God will envelop you.