They say that the “firsts” are always hard. I experienced the first Easter through tears. I experienced the first Mothers Day through agonizing pain… and tonight I will experience the first “big bath tub” without Emma.
Emma loved baths. She could live in the tub, literally. We have a jacuzzi tub in our master bath and she loved to turn the jets on and laugh and splash and sing. When we would say “bath”, she would have her clothes off in a flash and all of her toys that she had to have to complete her bathing experience. Her favorite being Baby Becca. She loved to wash her hair and and dunk her under the water.
Which brings me to the title of my post. My parents have a pool, which Emma loved and yet hated. She would love to go to there house, put on her swimming suit and prance around the pool, but she had to be coaxed in, one step at a time.
I finally told her that it was just a big bath tub, and something in her mind clicked. She would sit on the steps, and scoot down one step at a time. Before we knew it, she was clinging to one of us and bouncing up and down in the water, twirling in floaties.
I have to constantly remind myself that she is gone. I catch myself going to her side of the car to get her out. I constantly have to remind myself that I didn’t lose her when the panic sets in and I find myself frantically looking for her. I find that I avoid going down streets that remind me of her, like the street that her school is on because I lose it, just flat out bawl. I find myself avoiding the little girls clothes in Department stores because I picture her in them.
Tonight we are going swimming in my parents “big bath tub” for the first time without her. Without someone having to constantly watch to make sure she is safe. Without coaxing her in. Without hearing her laughter. Without seeing her beautifully intrigued smile while she twirls in the water.
Without her.
When the heaviness of those words collapses my soul, the only thing I can do is cling to the scriptures like velcro, yet the only thing I want right now is to feel her cling to me…
In “the big bath tub” tonight.
I am so sorry for your pain, I can feel it, my heart hurts for you. Praying.
Heather, I pray that as you swim you will feel the waves of God’s never ending love crashing over you. Praying for you today.
Am thinking about you and praying for you!
It is a brave gift that you are allowing us glimpses of your journey through pain.
I have absolute faith that the atonement of Jesus Christ will one day, not only cover our sins, but also all of our sorrows. He will literally wipe away all our tears.
Until then, your beautiful example of trust in Him points my soul to the only source of true hope.
You, my dear, are a treasure to me.
My heart just hurts for you and your dear family. I pray for you and I wish I could do more. Thank you for sharing your grief with us. May you feel supported by us all.
My heart goes out to you and your family Heather. How a mother aches when she loses a child.
I lost my child but, not in the same way you did. I remember wailing, holding myself up as I showered and cry out to God to please, please help me, The bathroom became where I could release all my pain. It was a place where noone would tell me everything was going to be alright. I didn’t want to hear that because I wanted my daughter back. I wanted “this” to be a nightmare, That this wasn’t real. My tears would flow no matter where I was and, then it didn’t matter either because I was in a world of my own. I avoid going places we used to go. No one talks to me about her. The pain is too intense.
I hear your cries and, I pray for you. God is with you. He is the only one who can comfort us at this time. I have watched the videos of Emma. You have so much faith. Again, when I come to your blog your words give me strength because you always go back to God for comfort. I can then go on and try to trust the Lord like you do. You make God real to me.
Again, lovely and heartfelt writing. Thank you so much for doing this good work in this public forum, where others can both pray for you and learn with you. Grieving is just plain hard work, exhausting emotionally and physically. And you have so much to teach us about how to do it with grace, vulnerability and openness to hope in the midst of loss. Blessing upon blessing as you walk through this long list of ‘firsts,’ dear Heather. And special thanks for the lovely video of your girl. How you love her. How she loved you. Oh my.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful video. What a precious soul. I know you miss her. So thankful we know she is in Such Good Hands. Yet I know it hurts. Praying.
I’m praying for you, and at the same time, thanking God that you are willing to share this part of your grief with all of us. It has given a whole new meaning to the scriptural promise that “Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted.”
I have started to leave a comment on each of your last few posts, but have erased each one. I know that nothing, absolutely nothing, I can say will heal your broken heart. So I pray for comfort and healing. Yes, I know the pain of losing a child. Yes, I know how bad you want her back if even for five minutes to hold and tell her how much you love her. Yes, the “firsts” are hard and the most random things can bring tears. So, Heather, today I simply write as one mom to another…. please know you are in my prayers. Through my pain I have found the Lord to be forever faithful and near. I pray you will continue to know the same. {{HUGS} to you.
Heather – I am so glad to see you posting again, happy to see your beautiful memories of Emma. I sobbed as I watched her bath time video – in all the time I have been reading your site (years now) I think it was the first time that I heard her speak. I pray that when you hear her voice in your heart, you are blessed with warmth. I pray that when you swim in the big bath or drive down difficult streets, you will be blessed with having shared those places with her. I pray that you will continue to be comforted in knowing that Emma’s laughter is filling the heaven’s!
Please keep posting – your words continue to encourage so many who are grieving, so many who are searching for peace, so many who don’t yet know what faith can do.
May you be filled with the comfort and love of Christ today and every day.
Heather,
I haven’t dropped in for a hile.
I am sorry for your loss. I will pray today for your family.
I am happy for sweet Emma to be at peace.
Praying for your continued healing, peace and comfort Heather. Your heavenly Father knows the sorrow of the death of a child… and the hope of the resurrection. I know that you hold that dear even as you grieve. Nothing will ever fully take away that ache… there will always be that with you because we do not believe the lie that “death is just a part of life.” It is not and never was intended to be. That is why Jesus wept. In that passage when Lazarus was in the grave… the Bible says Jesus wept. This is a poor interpretation, as I was reminded recently in a sermon, Jesus wailed and cried out in the deep agony that reflects His feelings about death and how very unnatural it really is. Glory be to Him that He is reversing the curse and bringing resurrection not only on the final day but also in your life as He daily lifts your head.
Psalm 121
1 I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
who made heaven and earth.
Beautiful, Heather. The video is so heart-rending.
praying…
The song Beauty from Ashes comes to mind. I can only imagine the days and hours that tick by without her. I am certain that your other children as well as your husband feel the pain and I pray that God bonds you all together through your pain.
My heart aches for you.
Dear Heather,
You are in my prayers
Christine
{{hugs}}, friend. And prayers!
I find myself thinking of you at random times during the day…praying for your heart now as summer begins and more “firsts” loom on the calender. You are loved Heather…
Oh, sweetheart! My heart breaks for your loss and pain.
Wow, Heather. I believe I started reading your blog about a year ago and hadn’t been following for quite some time. You are so real in your blog, and I have since been crying over the story of your dear daughter and your case of cancer. I am encouraged by your love for the Lord and the strength that comes from Him — it is clear that you have a calling to share this. Your transparency is a blessing and because of that I am encouraged to also share about my Journey, but in a book form. Keep blogging. Your posts are amazing and God is definitely working through that. God bless, and I will be praying for you!