It is becoming less painful, the memories. Now when I think about you I, more times than not, smile and close my eyes. When I walk by pictures of you, I stop and remember with happiness not pain. But then there are those times when it becomes overbearing and the tears come rushing down my face.
It is becoming easier to talk about you and not go numb.
I’ve been thinking a lot about heaven lately. What it will be like. If you are enjoying it.
I picture you, in your earthly body, running and skipping down the streets of gold, singing clearly. You have on a white dress and it is floating through the air as you twirl.
But then I stop and think- Do I have a real picture of what heaven really is, or is it my human heart longing to see you and hold you again? I have so many questions that only Christ can answer, but when I get there, will I ask them or will I be encapsulated with His glory that I will forget them all together, as silly as that sounds.
Will you know who I am? I know what the bible says, but my heart longs to see you and hold you and touch you again.
Will any of this matter? These feelings and thoughts that I have – will they matter in the end, or are they just Gods way of making life more bearable down here for those of us who have loved ones up there?
You took a little piece of me with you when you left this earth that can never be replaced. I cannot describe the pain in my heart in that space, but it is becoming more bearable to feel and remember. It is becoming more bearable to live without you here.
Not a day goes by that I don’t want you back, though.
But then I remember you in that white dress, skipping and jumping down the streets of gold, and I smile.
Because, whether or not that is truly happening, it brings my heart comfort.
And it becomes almost well with my soul.
dawn says
May 29, 2011 at 9:09 amJust beautiful, Heather. Whether it is true or not, and there’s a lot of controversy about it, reading Colton’s Heaven Is For Real made me want to go there more than ever! I can only imagine how much it would feel like that if I had a child there. Bless you, Heather!
Gerry Blumberg says
May 29, 2011 at 9:09 amMary Beth Chapman, wife of Steven Curtis Chapman, has written a book about her struggle after the death of her five year old, Maria, Choosing to See: A Journey of Struggle and Hope. I’m sure, as mothers, you can lean on each other. I pray that it will give you comfort.
dawn says
May 29, 2011 at 9:15 amYes, definitely – it is a wonderful book.
Amy Bayliss says
May 29, 2011 at 10:30 amI adore you, sweet Heather. And my heart hurts for you. There is so much I’d like to say but I’m afraid the words are inadequate still. Please know that you are never far from our thoughts and prayers.
Jean says
May 29, 2011 at 11:10 amHeather, a friend of mine sent me your blog link about a half an hour ago, and I’m so glad she did. I can relate to your feelings of grief after losing Emma. My daughter, Annie, went to heaven on March 25th, after 4 years of severe disability from a brain injury that was a result of Addison’s Disease. (Annie’s neurologist is coincidentally also a mito expert, although that was not her diagnosis.) Annie was two weeks shy of her 8th birthday when she died.
I also don’t like walking past the little girl’s department in clothing stores. I hope Annie and Emma are friends in heaven…maybe they can wear matching dresses.
In His love,
Jean
Headless Mom says
May 29, 2011 at 11:30 amThis is really beautiful, Heather.
I don’t really know what to say because I know it will be inadequate but I do want you to know that you and your family are being prayed for. I think of you often and wish I could give you in-real-life hugs instead of virtual ones.
Janice says
May 29, 2011 at 12:29 pmOh sweet Heather . . . you lift me up so much with your strong faith. You just amaze me how you deal with life, with all that the Lord has blessed you with. I can envision so clearly Emma Grace dancing and twirling in her angelic white dress!
Barbie says
May 29, 2011 at 6:18 pmI can totally see Emma Grace dancing with her heavenly Father in her white dress, with a big smile on her face, and a body that is whole and free of pain. I am thankful that you can see her in that place. I pray for you always!
Sunny says
May 29, 2011 at 6:18 pmThis is beautiful and exactly the way I would think. I always think of Emma sitting on Jesus’ lap and giggling …. it is true …. I don’t know but we will when we get there. My heart and prayers are never far from you Heather.
Beverly says
May 29, 2011 at 9:44 pmOh Heather,
My tears fall as I read your blog today. You renew my faith, and give me hope.
The song ” I can only imagine” is going through my head, and I hope it gives you peace. I can see Emma laughing and running, and twirling in her beautiful white dress.
May Jesus hold you close
Marie says
May 29, 2011 at 9:46 pmI was thinking today. “do I think about heaven too much? Am I depressed to think that time is going by fast? and before we know it we will be in heaven”?
Now I read your blog. I understand why you are thinking of heaven so much, but, do other people?.
Thank you Heather for always sharing your thoughts with us. The sadness comes in waves, sometimes so hard that it is almost unbearable. Then this inner strength carries you through.
What a loss for you and, your family. Praying for you and your family.
I too send your blog to people that I hope will be helped by reading about your faith and, also how real you are.
Karianne says
May 30, 2011 at 12:50 pmI would like to recommend a book for you that is just wonderful:
Heaven is for real, by Todd Burpo
http://www.amazon.com/Heaven-Real-Little-Astounding-Story/dp/0849946158/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1306774183&sr=8-1
Praying for you and your family,
Hugs, Karianne
Melissa says
June 1, 2011 at 12:57 amSo. Heather.
Hi, it’s me. 🙂
Today was my first day back at work since Christmas Eve. Part-time, mind you.
So, I get there and on the main desk is one of those keychains that someone’s randomly left lying around. You may have seen them, they are solar-powered and they flash a name or saying over and over. Not garishly, but definitely repetitively.
I couldn’t stop looking at this one.
It was saying
Emma
Emma
Emma
Emma
So I thought, well… what do I do with THIS message?
And I decided that all I needed to do was to tell you about it.
(and an “I love you, girlfriend,” thrown in for good measure)
And you don’t need Emma to save a place for you, silly goose. You’ve already earned your place.
<3 xoxo
gitz says
June 1, 2011 at 8:03 pmhello, sweet friend. i have been thinking of you so much, and so many of these questions sound like my questions of my dad. totally different loss, but the same longing to know where he is and where i will go. i ache for heaven now in a way i didn’t before.
i love you, and am holding you close in prayer as you miss your girl. just wanted you to know.
Olga says
June 2, 2011 at 6:00 pmGod has it in his arms, remember, that he loves you and Emma more than anyone else in this world. Blessings