I have been in a cocoon the last month. I have cried, laughed, screamed and yelled until I had no voice. I have watched ambulances go by and thought “remember when Emma…” or driven by parks and looked for her on the swings as I pass. I have read books about grieving and death and heaven….but the pain and longing is still there.
And recently, I have come to this conclusion. It will never go away. This hurt and longing that I feel will never go away. The crying at the oddest of times will not cease to come. And honestly, I don’t know if I want it to. I don’t want to stop feeling loss over losing my child. I don’t want to stop feeling the twinge in my heart when I realize she isn’t here.
Because it makes me think about where she IS and I honestly truthfully smile the biggest smile because of that!
It is getting easier though, to go through my days. Mark and I have gone to Niagara Falls and thought to ourselves “Imagine Emma’s view!”. It was really the most incredible sight!
It felt odd flying somewhere, especially out of state because for the last 10 years I have literally only flown to SheSpeaks alone!
I had my 4 year MRI and it was clear 
That was a huge milestone! Now I only go every 6 months instead of 4. I cant believe it has already been four years…
I have read the book Heaven by Randy Alcorn which I highly recommend. It is so nice to have biblical answers to some of my questions about Emma and heaven. It put a tangible picture in my mind {and my heart} of what heaven truly will be like. I am now reading the companion book We Shall See God .
And I am beginning to find hope again… tucked away in the pages of my bible.
Right were I left it, waiting to float up.
It HAS already been 4 years. I remember. And everytime Mel’s daughter has a birthday I think of you and your time here. What a blessing to meet you and your hubby!
I haven’t said anything because I don’t know what to say. “I’m so sorry for your loss” sounds trite, but I am.
Heather — Your post moved me to tears. I am so sorry for your loss, for your tears, and for your pain. I am happy to hear that your MRI was CLEAR (from one brain MRI vet to another …). Thinking of you and sending you comfort and hope in coming days … – J
I love that you and Mark were able to get away. Togetherness helps, doesn’t it?
So wonderful to see such a nice photo of you and your husband. Together with God guiding you. I think I will get the book. I either find a song that you posted and now a book.
I understand that what you mean when you say you don’t want the sadness or the feeling to go away. Because that is part of Emma. The tears come and go but, it is the release of those tears that help you through the path of the loss of Emma.
Again, when I read that you look forward to heaven I don’t feel so weird. I used to think that it was because I was so depressed. I don’t think that right now. I believe God places that longing in our hearts.
I am praying for you.
I have two good friends who have lost children, and you’re right – it will never go away. But it will be less raw.
Congratulations on 4 years! I remember it all like yesterday.
Though we have never met face to face…I feel your pain and have followed your journy. My heart breaks for you.
Heather!!! You’re beautiful ~ inside & out! I have loved you from the very 1st post that I read on your blog! You hold a very special place in my heart! (as does Emma!)
REJOICING with you & your family!
MANY HUGZ from a Canadian friend!
((((((Heather))))))) Though we have never met, I have read your bAlog for many years. I have prayed for your family, cried with you, rejoiced, and sat in sadness whe I read about Emma Grace. My 17 year old daughter also cried with me, as we lifted up your family in prayer. Grief is a process. Grief takes time. The sorrow that you feel will never totally go away, but will lessen up over time. God made us with emotions, and it is okay to utilize them. I actually did a workshop today on grief and just about everyone in the room ended up in tears over some unresolved grief. Some of the grief issues were over 30 years ago, and yet to that one woman it seemed as if time did not even move. Please be kind to yourself and to your family. Everyone must grieve, but everyone grieves differently. Two books I highly recommend are: When God Doesn’t Make Sense (Dr. Dobson) and Gone But Not Lost. Both books are excellant resources. Lots of love to you and your family.
Heather,
So glad we are celebrating your 4 year freedom from cancer. God is so good.
I noticed that you mentioned reading a book about Heaven. There is a book making the rounds called “Heaven is for Real” by Todd Burpo. Its about a little boy that saw heaven and gave details that no one could explain, His father is a pastor and he was very young at the time. You must read it. It is a beautiful story and actually makes me long for heaven all the more.
Praying that God continues to give you the grace that only He can give in this time.
Much love and thank you for having the courage to share your world with so many of us that have grown to love you through a blog. Amazing!
Conni
What wonderful news that your MRI was clear. That is a blessing!
How are your other children doing?
Heather,
I am so touched by your words. I have never lost a child, but I have lost my husband and father. As a Christian, I struggled with my “public face” after the death of my husband. (at age 34) Yes, I knew he was with the Lord…but, it hurt because he was no longer here with me. After the loss of a loved one, life is no longer the same…..one has to begin living a “new normal”. A new normal is not a bad thing, just different.
I would often find myself wondering how God was going to work this out for His glory. Death is difficult at any age, but especially with the young. The pain of loss doesn’t go away….but, it doesn’t hurt the same way as time goes on. After a while it is easier to celebrate a life….then to continue to mourn a death.
God is in great mercy allowed me the opportunity to participate in a Grief Share program (http://www.griefshare.org/), and later to facilitate many groups. I have a heart for those who are broken after the loss of a loved one. God is good. Even when it’s hard. And when it hurts. And though we will not have all the answers to our “why’s” this side of Heaven, one day we will understand.
In the meantime, know that your daughter is more alive now than she ever was here on Earth, and she is so loved.
Praying for you, my sister in Christ.
Reading Dawn’s comment reminded me of a book I read : A New Kind of Normal by Carol Kent(I think that’s her name.) It really helped me after two very difficult events that happened in our family.
Blessings to you Heather and family.
Dear Heather,
I am so happy that the cancer is still gone!
I think of you and Emma and your family every day. You are allways in my prayers.
I have told my grandfather, who passed away on christmas day 2 years ago, to go and
meet Emma. I am sure they will have lots of fun up there.
Christine
Yippeeeee . . . FOUR years! That’s awesome. Your post, as always, is beautiful. You have been blessed with your creative writing and use of just the right words Heather. It made me smile to even think of how our loved ones in heaven see things. I’ve never thought of it that way and now will think that way often.
Love you, Heather, and love your Emma too–she is remembered and thought of often.
Wishing you peace. I’ve not lost a child, but I lost my husband 2 years ago. It’s true, you will never forget. The pain comes and goes and there are happy times mixed in between too. I’m glad you had a good MRI. I follow your blog and I am sorry truly sorry about Emma. May she rest in peace. Take care.
Well Said!
Hey lady,
I haven’t been blogging or reading blogs much and took today to catch up with you. She Speaks in coming up in a few weeks and I’ve thought of you constantly and the time we got to spend together there
I love ya, miss ya, pray for ya, and hope to get back to a little blogging now and then. God’s doing some cool stuff in my life 
Wish I could give you a big {{hug}}!
Lisa B.
Oh! And totally forgot to say “SQUEEEEE! YAYAY!!!!! WUHOOO!!!! YEEEEHAAAWWW!” about you being cancer free for 4 years
Dear Heather, you are correct. The pain will not every completely go away. And that is not a bad thing. She was and is part of your life. You can’t erase her.
When my daughter died of trisomy 18 seven years ago, I never thought I would stop hurting. I did. But I still think of her and what she might have been like. Completely natural.
Shortly after Isshah’s death I read the novel “Good Grief” by Lolly Winston. It really spoke to me. I don’t know if she has ever really has had a big loss in her life. But boy does she know how to write about it. Not only does she write about the sad aspects of dealing with grief, she also writes about the humerous parts as well.
This excerpt really spoke to me:
—————
I am matter, and the pain of missing him is antimatter, and when you put the two together, kaboom, there’s nothing left of me to get out of bed and go clean up the bakery.
I’ll never miss Ethan any less than I did on the day that he died. I know this, because I don’t miss my mother any less than the day she drove off the road twenty-three years ago. My grief is diminished, but it feels permanent, like a small scar. I have brown hair, brown eyes, wear size seven shoes. I miss my husband, miss my mother. Two chips out of my heart like birthmarks. Today I’m exhausted from carrying on as though this is all right.
—————————
It will get better. Just let our sweet, thoughtful Father in heaven work on you. It’s a journey you don’t want to miss.
With lots of love to you my sister in Christ,
Polly
i love that movie, too.
i think of you so often. my friend Kelly was here last Monday… it was only a couple of days before the 8 year anniversary of her daughter Kate’s death from cancer. Eight years and we still catch our breaths. The tears still fall. We still smile and laugh at her and wonder. And we wouldn’t have it any other way… because we still love her so completely.
I didn’t comment when I saw the sad news of your loss. I’ve continued to check in, but not comment. I have thought of your other children, too.
I just keep checking in to see if you have any new posts. I hope you and your family are doing well. I think of you all often and pray for peace and comfort.
Been praying for you and your family.
Dear Heather,
I completely understand that you need a break from blogging. I still check your blog every day to see how you are. “I hope everything is OK” sounds so wrong,because there is something absolutely not OK, but I don´t know how to say that in a better way. You are in my prayers,
Christine
That is so great! Congrats on your MRI! I love reading your blog!
I am truly sorry to hear that your daughter has passed. I am not sure how you have coped. I am glad that you had a clear MRI because, unless you have been in the position yourself you cannot understand how incredibly stressful it is. Your other kids are going to really need their mom now… d:)
I think I have come across your blog a couple times in the past, and I have been struck by what it is you’re writing about each time..thanks for sharing and allowing your perspective to change us (me). I hope to come back more often to visit : ). I love Hope Floats. I love the book Heaven as well. All the things you talked about gave way to the verbage in my heart over the course of my life on some of the complexities of this experience of living and loss, etc…it just makes a lot of mundane and/or rougher stuff move along with a little more ease when I come across someone who seems to “get” that. Prayers as you continue on your journey.. I’m so glad there’s so much love in your heart.