Today, on your 10th birthday, I remember….
I remember the day, 10+ years ago, while you were still in my womb, they told us that you wouldn’t be with us long. I sat in Dr. Huhta’s office, rubbing my very large belly lost in complete despair.
You were our surprise baby, the baby we hadn’t planned but the baby we wanted to so desperately. I remember telling my parents on Thanksgiving day that, despite the fact that your brother was only a little over 4 months old, he would be a big brother soon. I remember the joy that filled our house for the next 23 weeks.
I remember the overwhelming strength and determination I had after we found out how sick you were. I remember finding a fight in me that I never knew I had. I remember believing so strongly that you were going to be just fine, you just needed some time to prove everyone wrong.
I remember laying on the table for my amnio, and the doctor telling me in a very serious yet emotion-less voice that he knew someone who could take care of this “problem” for me. I remember vowing right then that despite the fact that everyone else had given up on you, I wouldn’t.
I remember the day you were born. I remember the doctors telling us not to expect anything, that if you were born alive, you would die shortly afterwards. The fear that gripped my soul, and the joy that filled my heart. I was about to meet you for the first, and possibly last time. I remember hearing you cry and thinking to myself “That’s my girl”.
I remember the doctors coming in and telling us that they didn’t give you long, and that we should spend as much time with you as possible, and take as many pictures as possible. I remember not being able to hold you, I remember your head being at the wrong end of the bed, I remember your body being so swollen and so red. I remember hearing the oscillating vent pump air into your chest at an ungodly rate. I remember holding your foot in my hand and willing you to hold on.
I remember, 2 weeks later, the doctors telling us that they could nothing more for you, and how my heart sank. I remember later that day Dr. K coming in and asking if he could talk to us. I remember sitting across from him, looking at him, and my soul begging him to find a way to save my little girl. I remember him telling us that he wanted to talk to another doctor in St. Pete. And that it was a long shot but he would do what he could.
I remember that evening. I remember his huge grin as he walked into my room. I remember his exact words. “How do you feel about a heart transplant?”. I remember my heart welling up with hope. I remember the transport to St. Pete. I don’t think we have ever driven that fast. I know that we have a higher respect for passing ambulances after that experience.
I remember the almost 5 months you spent on life support. I remember the elation we felt every time the phone rang, hoping that on the other end there would be a surgeon telling us that our baby girls heart had finally arrived. I remember the emotional exhaustion of sitting next to your bed every day, but along with that I remember the unmeasurable thankfulness that you had a bed to sit next too still.
I remember the day that call finally came. I don’t remember the drive to the hospital, I don’t remember seeing anyone on the way. I do, however remember that the nurses had dressed you up in the most adorable outfit, and decorated your bed for your “big day”. I remember holding you, kissing you, memorizing your face.
I remember them wheeling you into the operating room, I remember falling asleep in the waiting room and resting for the first time in a long time. I remember feeling peace.
I remember 3 months later. I remember knowing something was wrong. I remember feeling like no one was listening to me. I remember holding you, watching you not be able to hold your head up, not be able to gain weight, not being able to do the things that 8 month olds should be doing.
I remember the day I found out you had Mitochondrial Myopathy. I remember the mixture of fear and relief. I remember diving into this disease head first, because you deserved the very best care.
I remember the seizures, and the sleepless nights.
I remember your smile. Your laugh. Your amazing way of making my world seem to stand still.
I remember you.
I remember the fear of last February, and the feeling of hopelessness and despair while you laid in ICU for almost 7+ weeks.
I will never forget hearing those words “She will not be going home this time”. Those were the words that we had hoped we would never hear, because again, you had come thru so much. You had been through so much.
Yet, You always pulled through.
I will never forget that day. The day that the Lord called you home. Good Friday became Great Friday.
The day you took a piece of my heart with you.
The day you received your full and miraculous healing. The one we had been praying for since before you were born.
Which leads me to this:
I will never forget His promise. I will never forget that you were not mine, that I could not possibly love you as much as He does.
I will never forget you.
So, on the first birthday you spend up there, we will celebrate your life down here. We will cry, we will laugh, we will remember the 9+ years you were ours.
And the eternity that you get to spend with Him; whole, healed and in your perfect body.
That, my sweet girl, is the best birthday present you could ever receive.
Happy 10th Birthday, Emma Grace.
Tammy says
June 5, 2011 at 8:02 amAmazing story! Thanks for sharing and giving God the glory.
Deb says
June 5, 2011 at 8:26 amHeather, beautifully written from a Mother’s heart. Thank you for sharing this with us. To God be the glory! God bless you!!
Michelle P. says
June 5, 2011 at 8:29 amHappy Birthday Sweet Girl! Love and miss you.
Robin ~ Pensieve says
June 5, 2011 at 8:46 amOh, Heather…
Emma’s life changed yours, shaped you into something new. Her challenges seem to have grown you and strengthened you in a way that’s hard to imagine not having walked in your shoes.
This tribute of remembering is beautiful, and it’s giving me reason to praise God for his fullness and joy. {{hugs, love & celebration tears}}
r.
Melissa says
June 5, 2011 at 9:22 amToday is Kylee’s 9th birthday, so we will be celebrating a birthday with you – literally.
LOVE YOU.
Jess says
June 5, 2011 at 9:39 amThis was absolutely gorgeous. You are a wonderful mother.
thesavingmom (jessica) says
June 5, 2011 at 10:45 amHappy Birthday Sweet girl we prayed for so long. May you and Jesus have a wonderful party. Prayers especially for your mama today.
Linda says
June 5, 2011 at 1:18 pmOh Heather – just sending you love.
Janet says
June 5, 2011 at 1:18 pmA beautiful tribute to beautiful Emma Grace.
Happy birthday, darling girl, your first in Heaven.
darcy says
June 5, 2011 at 1:26 pmHeather, sending you warm wishes as you all celebrate Emma today. xo.
kelli from Living in grace says
June 5, 2011 at 1:51 pmHeather, sending love and hugs to you this day. Celebrating ad grieving with you as I can. Knowing that someday I will be face to face with this angel as will you.
Love to you, Mark and the kids.
Michelle says
June 5, 2011 at 2:21 pmDear Heather, Thank-you for sharing something so dear to your heart. I will continue to pray for you and your family in this season of grieving and healing and celebrating. God is good!
Joan says
June 5, 2011 at 3:37 pmPraying with you today for your families strength. Emma Graceis in your heart and she will always be there.
Theresa says
June 5, 2011 at 4:12 pmWhat an incredible story of love, courage and faith. I thank you so much for sharing your heart and your little girl. So good to know that she is truly free and with the most powerful, wise and loving Father who has wiped away her every tear and pain. May God bless you!
Christine says
June 5, 2011 at 4:53 pmHappy Birthday, dear Emma
and a big hug for Heather
Christine
Miriam says
June 5, 2011 at 5:24 pmHolding you close, Emma’s family.
Barbie says
June 5, 2011 at 6:36 pmPraying for you today. Emma Grace has forever made her mark here on the earth.
Karla Meachem says
June 5, 2011 at 8:06 pmbeautiful…thanx 4 sharing your heart, Heather. Much love to you & your family.
Happy Birthday, EMMA!!!
Teresa says
June 5, 2011 at 9:18 pmHappy Birthday Emma Grace <3
Heather @ CSAHM says
June 5, 2011 at 10:03 pmHappy Birthday to Emma Grace!
Casey says
June 5, 2011 at 10:35 pmGod puts you on my heart constantly. I am praying for you and so sorry for the pain this brings. It doesn’t seem I can ever find words that are comforting. Please don’t stop writing. You are gifted and maybe that is God’s gift to you as you travel this journey.
Becca says
June 5, 2011 at 10:48 pmMy family has a Grace. Her name is Katherine Grace and she is 10 today too. I just realized she and Emma Grace shared a birthday. Praying for your family today–I know you are missing your Emma Grace. Happy Birthday, sweet girls.
judy says
June 5, 2011 at 11:11 pmHow precious this is…and how precious is your love for our Savior…still thanking Him and praising Him in the midst of pain…
Sunny says
June 5, 2011 at 11:54 pmHappy Birthday Emma Grace….what a lovely tribute to a beautiful girl. She will 4 ever be in your heart. She had birthday cake with Jesus today and loved every minute of it….blessings to you and your family.
Headless Mom says
June 6, 2011 at 1:45 amWhat a beautiful way to celebrate such a strong little girl.
Love to you and yours, Heather.
XOXO
Theresa says
June 6, 2011 at 8:28 amTears are in my eyes and joy in my heart even as I read with the same faith and trust that you have. The tears are for your empty arms. Joy is in my heart for Emma Grace.
kristi says
June 6, 2011 at 9:17 amAmazing story! Amazing faith!
D says
June 6, 2011 at 3:34 pmHappy Birthday Emma!!!
patty says
June 6, 2011 at 4:56 pmHeather….
thank you so much for sharing your heart, your pain here on your blog. though this isn’t the path you would have chosen, God is using you and your story and bless the lives of all of us who read your blog. you are an amazing woman whose courage i have admired for such a long time…..
please know that i am praying for you and thank God for the privilege of knowing you through this blog….
patty
marisa says
June 6, 2011 at 9:01 pmBy Grace- as you know too well- we all remember with you , Heather. I remember with you. I love oyu. bless you
Jennifer says
June 7, 2011 at 8:56 amBeautiful post. What a wonderful gift she was.
Amanda Jones says
June 7, 2011 at 11:54 pmWhat a beautiful post.
Marie says
June 11, 2011 at 11:52 amYou did all that because you are the mama!
Great job!
Hugs from Minnesota
Marie
p.s. Happy B’day sweet little girl
Melissa says
June 13, 2011 at 1:29 amA week with no new posts. I think of you each & every day and I know that in your silence there is grief and there is hope and there is healing.
Let’s make a “date”. PM me on FB when you’re ready.
LOVE YOU
Erika says
June 13, 2011 at 4:16 amSuch a sweet beautiful tribute. I am still praying for you.
Blessings
gitz says
June 13, 2011 at 4:49 pmcelebrating her life these days later… loving you from here, friend.