They come in waves. Sometime tidal waves, sometimes ripples that wash up the ocean shore. But they still come.
I am still in the season of grief. Numbness has almost left, but grief, I can’t shake loose of. I do well talking about her to other people, actually I invite the conversation. But when I am alone…. I hate being alone.
I am trying not to judge God by my present circumstances. I am trying really hard. But that in itself is hard. I know in my heart that He is the beginning and the end, that He is bigger than even this pain. But then my grief takes over and I am lost again. I am trying to guard my heart, protect it’s vulnerability from anything that satan might use to sway my trust in Christ, but even that, at times, is hard.
Everything is hard when you grieve the loss of a child.
When you pray for a miracle for almost 10 years, and that miracle comes in the form of death, you have a lot of pain. When you trust, really trust, in something that you cannot see but yet you know in your heart is real, and something like this happens, you have a lot of pain.
What you do with that pain makes or breaks you.
I have come to realize that it is not my job to overcome this trauma, it was placed in my life for a specific reason {although I am still at a loss for what that reason is}. My job is to lie in its waves and just be until I am able to get up and dust myself off.
His job {joy} is to carry me through this. Only He can do this work in me. Only He can answer the “whys” of my heart. Only He can understand the depths of my pain and suffering.
Only He.
He says in His word that “He keeps track of my tears…”
He understands the hurt of a losing a child. After all, He lost His only son, willingly, for me. He understands my pain, my heartache, my grief.
I take great comfort in that fact. Even when I am curled up in a ball, He understands. He knows.
Only He.
So I will cling to Him. I will worship Him. I will still praise Him.
A Vermont Girl says
June 14, 2011 at 10:23 amGrief can be so drowning at times. I’m sorry, Heather. I think that you are much wiser than I through your grieving process. I never really understood my own feelings, and still don’t, after the loss of my mom {yet, I haven’t lost her, I know where she is}. I don’t think we ever truly can say that we’ve overcome the process, I haven’t. It’s just learning to live without them in our lives, clinging to The Lord in every bow of our head.
David says
June 14, 2011 at 10:38 amYes – Only HE.
love and hugs.
David
dawn says
June 14, 2011 at 10:44 amNobody should have to lose a child. But you are so right in your thoughts and processes.
Dad says
June 14, 2011 at 11:47 amI love You
Forever and Always
Dad
Culpepper says
June 14, 2011 at 12:25 pmI don’t have any words that can make your hurt and pain better however, I believe in my heart that you are wise in your thinking and right in your estimation that only He can carry you through this journey and that He truly does understand. Please know you are thought of and prayed for in Texas.
Linda says
June 14, 2011 at 1:05 pmIt is true Heather – only He. But you, precious girl, have chosen to rest in Him. How that must touch His heart. How He loves you.
Kay says
June 14, 2011 at 1:13 pmThank you for sharing your faith and your struggle as I’m sure it helps many along the way. We pray for you and your family specifically each night in our prayers. May God bless you and keep you and your family in His loving embrace.
Joan says
June 14, 2011 at 1:29 pmHeather there are no words that really offer comfort. Please know that I wrap my arms around you in prayer.
Melissa says
June 14, 2011 at 2:04 pmGrief stinks. Short and simple. One of the lessons I’ve learned is that no one has the answer. Mercifully & Thankfully, our God is big enough to take it on His shoulders and listen to my despair & pleas & complaints and quite honestly, my doubts. As much as we wold like to avoid grief, we really do have to go THROUGH it. In one of my Griefshare sessions, they talk about leaning into the grief much like leaning into the waves of the ocean. Five years after my journey through grief, there are still times that are just over-whelming. They’re not as often, but they will still take my breathe away. And, I am firmer in my faith and my beliefs because I tested everyone of them thru the pain of loss. A dear friend pointed out that the loss that I feel is proportional to the love that I shared. As truly painful as grief is, I wouldn’t give up a moment of the love and joy that brought me to this place.
I’m praying for you!!
Laurie in Ca. says
June 14, 2011 at 4:38 pmI love you Heather and my heart is heavy for you. I know your willing and brokenness melt Gods heart, He loves you more than your earthly father and that thought comforts and amazes me. Praying for you to find the most blessed comfort and rest in His Arms as you are held close to His heart. Continued prayers for you sweet girl.
Love and Hugs and Prayers, Laurie
gitz says
June 14, 2011 at 8:28 pmi just want to say that i am here. i will “just be” with you in whatever you need for as long as you need. praying for you and loving you from here.
Ann says
June 14, 2011 at 9:19 pm–loving you from here in Arkansas, Heather, Mark, Easton, and Elijah!!!
Ann
Melissa May says
June 14, 2011 at 10:25 pmThank you Heather… That song is so so so good. Psalm 118:17 is such a good verse for when I’m tempted to declare that I’m going to die! Thank you for the song and for being honest with your heart.
Barbie says
June 15, 2011 at 2:11 amHe able. He is good. He will not leave you in this grief. Praying for you my sweet friend.
Kris says
June 15, 2011 at 10:40 amI am so amazed by the strength that God gives those that he asks the most from. I read a lot of blogs of people who have lost children and it is beyond me how you all can cope. I loved what you wrote! It reminds me that even for those of us who have not lost a child that he is still the only one who would understand our grief or pain from different circumstances in our lives. Thank you for writing!
Susan says
June 15, 2011 at 4:26 pmJust wanted to share this song called “Believe” from the Hillsong album “A Beautiful Exchange…
You are my life
You are my stength
You are my rock
On you I stand.
I lift my voice
I raise my hand
I lift my soul with all I am.
In Christ forever I stand
I WILL believe.
So hear this song.
Receive our prayer.
You are our strength
For all our days.
We lift you up
Our voices high.
In every storm
Let God arise.
In Christ forever I’ll stand.
I WILL believe.
You are strong enough in my weakness.
God be lifted up and I will sing.
Lift your praises high.
Lord be magnified.
You make all things new.
I WILL believe.
You continue to be in our prayers.
Molly says
June 15, 2011 at 6:04 pmOh Heather, you’ve said it all so perfectly. There’s nothing I can add. I’m sorry for your pain and am thinking of and praying for you. Hold tight, His promises are unfailing.
Molly
Rachelle says
June 15, 2011 at 8:27 pmNothing I can say… except I pray for your strength, for an end to your grief and a renewal of your daily joy. hugs to you.
Lesley says
June 16, 2011 at 11:34 amHeather – In my job I work a lot with grief, and I can tell you that normal grief takes 3-5 years and some times even more. A death such as a child, takes much longer. The thing with grief is that it is work, and it takes just as much energy as digging a ditch other physical actitivies. Though there are stages of grief, they do not have be gone through in order but they do have to be worked through. It takes time. It takes energy. It takes crying. It takes being angry. It takes many things that are difficult to understand, to those who have not walked through the process. Many people (including those in the church) do not understand the process and can unknowingly add to the pain. I need to go to work now, but please know that I will be praying for you and for you family.
Janmary, N Ireland says
June 16, 2011 at 5:40 pmYou continue to be in our hearts and prayers.
Hugs
Sunny says
June 16, 2011 at 11:28 pmthanks for sharing your heart….hugs and prayers
Marie says
June 17, 2011 at 1:35 amMy heart goes out to you and your family Heather.
I have met so many people that tell me their stories and, wonder how they go on. How they can trust the Lord, I even wonder regarding myself.
To “just be” might just be a prayer answered. To get people through their pain, suffering.
I marvel at your faith. I marvel at others as well. I marvel at my own.
That may be one of the greatest gifts He gives us at times like this.
I know there are no words that will comfort you except hopefully the Lords.
Praying for you,
Marie
martha brady says
June 18, 2011 at 2:38 ami love that verse about jesus saving all our tears. i’m sure it’s metaphorical, but when I’m down, I get very concrete:)
i’m sure you know this, but in case no one has told you, the purpose for Emma, the trauma, the tears, etc. will probably not be known for awhile…certainly not fully. Our first daughter was stillborn (not an equal comparison for sure!) and i remember thinking there would be nothing really “worth” her death and the surrounding events.
HOWEVER…right around the time of what would have been her 35th b’day(I know!!!) we were new at a small church where my husband was interim pastor. One of the families in the church suddenly lost their second baby to a stillbirth…totally unexpected…very little warning. They really didn’t know what to do in many ways…but God helped me think of something i could do to help at the graveside…(i had never been to a funeral for an infant!)
i bought some roses at the grocery store and handed them to each of the family members who came to the graveside. When they put the little coffin in, as everyone walked by, we dropped a rose in. Somehow, it seemed to be comforting to the family (all believers). also less sterile than tossing the dirt in the hole. having a layer of flowers on the coffin seemed less “harsh” (if that makes sense).
time is a great healer of wounds but of course we hate to have to go through the pain of grief…and if we do, we definitely want to be done with it as soon as possible! ugh!
unfortunately, it won’t work that way. we won’t know very many of the “whys”…often for years. isn’t it comforting to know that God IS in control. He is sovereign and was not looking in a different direction when any of the things pertaining to Emma happened. Her life was purposeful. It had meaning. She was here to bring glory to God. Now, she is enjoying life on a level that we can’t even imagine!
I wonder what it is like. Is Moses telling her about the adventures he had getting to the Promised Land…or Elijah talking about the “exciting” life he lived here on earth spending a lot of time running from Jezebel! or how in the end, God won out…He always does:) Maybe she is talking to Mary about what it was like when she had Jesus at home…well, you get the drift. of course, the most exciting one she is talking to is Jesus! She doesn’t have anymore pain…no more tears…she can talk and run and dance. For her, it is so much better now!
however, for you the loss is huge…and then there are you other children…and your husband. you need to help them come to terms with their loss while you are still grieving. this will definitely be a walk of faith…trusting God to hold you up…to give you the grace, the sufficient grace you need for yourself and your family.
pardon my late nite ramblings. you have my prayers heather. continue the process. God is there. martha
Shari says
June 23, 2011 at 10:27 pmHeather, I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and praying for you.
oldqueen says
June 25, 2011 at 6:18 amPraying for you.
Paige Szajnuk says
June 27, 2011 at 4:44 pmDear Heather – I can’t imagine your pain. I’ve never lost a child; I’ve never even had a child. What I can say is that I admire your faith and am praying for you and your entire family. Our God is faithful and even when we are not delivered FROM trials, He delivers us THROUGH them. He’s never failed one of His own and He never will. He will be faithful to you and will provide all you need to persevere. I am at a loss for words to help you, but He knows and will sustain you and your family as you cling to Him.
Paige.