I can’t tell you how many times I have tried sitting down in front of this laptop and the words just wouldn’t come. I would try to start to type and then… nothing…. blank.
I have had an awesome yet horrid summer. Awesome because I really truly have 2 great kids and really have enjoyed getting to spend quality time with each of them this summer- time which I was not able to spend in previous years.
Horrid because I miss my 3rd. I just plain miss Emma. I miss her quirky little smile and her eyes. I really miss her eyes.
It is getting easier, but harder at the same time. I have cried less frequently, which is a great thing, but when it comes- it comes in floods. Like a typhoon.
I have kept myself busy with my “new new normal.” We have visited old friends that I haven’t seen in years. Mark and I went up to Jacksonville and spent the day with our dear friends, The Raglands. Maebeth and I had a really great time talking about just “being real” and what that truly really means. We talked about how our children are growing up and becoming less and less dependent on us (She has 5, but only 1 in her home right now). We talked about what the Lord was doing in our lives, and man….. He is doing a lot.
I really thought I knew that God was sovereign, but until Emma died, I honestly did not. I always thought she would come home. She did Every. Single. Time.
Until the last time.
That is what I am having a hard time with. I knew that God was loving and merciful….and now I am getting to know the sovereignty of the Lord. I am beginning to “get” that He was and still is in control. That her days were numbered even before she was born.
How many times I have told you guys that? Now, I am telling myself.
I am learning to depend on Him again. Which is hard because, because like I said before… I always thought she would come home. And when she didn’t, I honestly felt like everything I had known about Him became unraveled in front of my eyes.
Anger, doubt, bitterness, sadness- I felt feel every single one of those.
After she died… I know very little. I still am trying to come to terms with the purpose and meaning behind it all. I know that she is living our promised inheritance, yet it doesn’t heal the pain of trying to learn to live with out her here. I am so grateful that she will never have to experience pain again…. but what about our pain. What about my families hearts?
What do I do with the last ten years of “pursuing” with her. Being her voice, her eyes, her mom. That is what I am struggling with…. what do I do with all that I have seen her go through?
And what was the purpose of it?
I know that her life has ministered to 1000′s of people, but she was still my little girl. When she died, I felt my heart shatter. My world literally fell apart. You see, I was the one that witnessed the majority of the hospital stays and the “sick Emma”. I was the one who she would walk through the PICU halls with, singing with an IV Pole stacked with medication dragging behind her day in and day out. I was the one who signed all of the consent forms for surgeries and dialysis and continuous EEG’s. I was the one who the doctors and nurses talked to everyday. I saw it all. I have vivid memories of it all.
I don’t know what to do with it all. I don’t know that I ever will.
I haven’t lost my love and desire for the Lord…. yet I have, on more than one occasion through out this journey, lost my passion and joy. I love the Lord more than I ever have, yet it is an odd place to be without your zeal for His heart. Unless you have experienced grief and loss, you can’t possibly understand. I couldn’t understand it until I lost Emma.
Now I understand it more than I want to.
It is all part of the grieving process. It is normal, it is healthy … but it is far too painful. I want Him to restore my zeal. I want him to restore my wonder. I want him to restore my broken heart.
But more than anything, I just want to hold her again…..
Ugh…ugh and ugh!!!! This journey of life can be so tough at times….so overwhelming….so difficult and yet we also know how the journey ends. It ends well for us who know the Lord, and I do believe it’s all going to be worth it someday! (My hubs has Alzheimer’s at age 46) But for know I keep taking one day at a time, enjoying the moments. The days may be hard, but there are moments to cherish. Praying for you Heather….praying for that restoration of the heart as you continue to walk this journey. Thanks for being real!
So beautiful, Heather. You certainly have not lost your way with words – I know He will restore those things – in His time.
I’m so sorry for the painful “missing.” I understand it because I walk the same road of grieving the loss of my child – my son, Andrew, who left this world and our home on 12/15/09. The 28th of this month marks the date 2 years ago that I took him to the pediatrician to find out why he had lost the use of a finger. The doctor examined him, wheeled his stool to his computer, typed and swore. That day we found out cancer was growing in our beautiful son’s brain. And less than 4 months later he was gone. Gone.
From time to time I see your links on fb and I know. I know. I don’t have to imagine what it’s like to lose a child who should still be in your home. He is my youngest child. He should be getting ready to start school. I should be fixing his breakfast and telling him to walk his dog. Knowing he is in Heaven with Jesus as the Light is wonderful. But it doesn’t stop the “missing.”
Last spring I asked God to renew my passion for His Word. I knew it would save me. He did. And IT has.
I clicked over from fb, as I haven’t visited in a while. I am feeling guilty, because I’m having all those same feelings over a lot less. I’m so thankful for you and will remember you in prayer.
Your zeal for God’s heart will return. I’m approaching the 6 year mark on my grief journey. During this time, I have examined EVERYTHING I said I believed. Did I really believe all those words that I had spoken thru the years? I did. And, i now know that “joy comes in the morning.” Maybe not as quickly as I would have like, but my joy did return tinted with a new awareness that only grief brings. My heart aches and remembers those days in my own life as I read where you are in your journey. I pray for you.
My heart goes out to you for your loss. I understand your pain and your searching for a return to a normal (?) life. For loving and believing in God, yet wondering how HE could take this precious child you so loved…..
I am a grand-mother who lost my beautiful 23 year old grand-daughter a little over two years ago. She took her own life. She was bi-polar and I lived in fear of this day for I knew this day would come. She was the darling of my heart…..I have cried all the tears I have, I have greived myself sick, and am still trying to come to terms with it all……..I know she is at peace in God’s care, and safe from all of her hurts and torments, yet I wish for one more day to hold her and tell her how much I love her….what I would give to be able to do just that…….
So, I understand……..I pray you continue on the path you are on and that every day your heart heals a little more and that so a day will come when you can truly laugh and feel joy…….
Thanks for sharing….YOU have encouraged ME…….Francy
‘Been watching for an update from you; for you to peek your head out from underground like a prairie dog.
I’m glad to see that you’re still kickin’.
I’m sad to know that the pain is still.
And you’re right: no one truly understands it until they’ve done it – BTDT-type of done it.
Here is my take on it:
There IS something for you to do with all of this knowledge and experience and the truth of it is that it may never reveal itself TO YOU. Or to those of us in your periphery. But there is a reason and my ONLY solace when “bad things happen to good people” is that one day we will know. In His time, but maybe not in ours.
LOVE YOU STILL
I’m not sure what to say, since I haven’t lost a child. I know that regardless of how long it’s been that one has lost a child, the parent still will have that on their mind. My brother was 21 when he died in ’86, and until my mother’s death today in ’98, she still thought about him.
It’s okay to cry and to talk about Emma, you’ve been through a lot oin the past year.
oops, meant “in” the past year.
I’m not a regular commenter, but I am a regular reader. I don’t even know what to say because I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through. The thought of losing one of my children… well, I guess I’m not sure I could still carry such strong faith with me like you do. But you’re doing it, and you’re surviving. You may feel like you are still going through the motions, but know there is a whole world of people praying for you and your family.
Wow~~you were brought to my heart yesterday…must be the Lord. I pray the Lord restore your joy…He will…thanks for being so real…You are so right about Emma changing so many lives. She changed mine…I am a much better mom now…thanks for this.
We’re here, Heather. Praying, loving, reading. Take all the time you need and when you need to vent and reflect we are here to help carry the burden. I wish I lived closer and could offer you more but these things I can do.
love you, girl.
Can’t begin to imagine your loss and pain.
You have been on my mind and in my prayers these last few weeks. While we love to see you blog, don’t feel you need to, just do what is right for you and your family.
Take care of YOU, and let others take care of you too.
Hugs
I second Amy’s response. If you are ever in the Daytona Beach area email me, would love to walk the beach with you my friend.
{{hugs}}
I’ve got nothing, except to say, I pray for you and your family. And I wish I could just give you a big hug…which might be weird, since we’ve never met. But you know what I mean.
Keep seeking the Lord, dear one. It may not come today or tomorrow, but He will restore your soul.
You have been on my mind and in my heart so much lately. I have prayed and prayed for you and for restoration- I can’t imagine after giving your all all those years what you do with your time, your energy, your expertise, all of it. I’m praying for Mark as he grieves yet holds the burden of shepherding his family and being the “rock” for you and your kids. I am praying for Easton and Eli as they adjust to a new normal and how to move on without sweet Emma in their lives everyday- I’m sure it’s just not as bright- her smile could light the entire room! I’m praying for your mom and dad as they grieve as I know they were always there for you and for Emma. And your mom is grieving as she watches her baby grieve. All that to say, your whole family has been on my heart as of late, not a day goes by that we don’t think about you guys.
This hymn has been of comfort to me since my mother’s passing in June. I pray it comforts you.
When darkness seems to hide His face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.
I, too, lost a daughter, and I am so thankful for your honesty–sometimes just knowing there is someone else who feels that searing pain…because we love so much. Sometimes, at the strangest moments, I close my eyes and feel like I am being sucked down to hell, and I literally have to call on Jesus to rescue me. He rescues me from the dark abyss of hell, but not the pain. The pain is still there. I trust Him that there is a reason, but sometimes I just want to see her one more time…just one more squeeze, one more kiss…Praying for you, Heather.
Still Praying. xo
I cannot fathom such pain, as I have not walked this road. Praying that your zeal and passion for the Lord will return. I know it will. He has perfect timing for all things. I wish I had more words to bring comfort. Praying He holds you tightly.
It is so good to read your post today! I have never met you but I have enjoyed reading your posts and getting to know your beautiful “Emma.” I can not imagine the pain you are going through. Thank you for sharing your story. I have been so blessed and encouraged every time I read your posts. I have been on a journey with my daughter and her health issues for years. She is now 20 and we are still trying to figure out all her “strange symptoms” She will be having an MRI done this coming week to determine why she is in so much pain. I don’t understand the “why” she has to go through all this pain but I am trying hard to trust God because I am told He is “bigger” than all of this but why can’t I have peace through it all? When I would read your posts I sensed a peace about you that was always so encouraging to me. I just came back from bringing her back to college today. We spent the entire summer at Dr visits together and sharing every day with her “ups and downs” ….I miss her and kind of don’t know what to do with myself today. You are a beautiful writer and I am always encouraged by your writings. Thank you for sharing your story! Keep writing!
I am so sorry for the loss of your Emma. When your heart is broken its hard to imagine life moving forward, but it does-even though it would be easier for time to stop. So you look at all the many parts that once made you whole and you decide what parts you will take back into your heart, and what parts you will keep out. Your heart ,your life will never be the same, it can’t be, but you will learn to live again. Emma is part of who you are as person. Even though your heart is broken, she is still there with you. I know that she is watching over you now and that one day you will see her again.
Normal and healthy, yet far too painful…….so so true. I sooo understand what you said about loving the Lord but having lost the zeal and passion while grieving. I’ve learned that there will be moments of joy alongside the moments of extreme pain. Hugs and prayers to you and your family…..I wish the pain wasn’t so incredibly hard.
Heather, I love you. And I loved Emma. And I affirm to you that she existed and I remember her and she was wonderful. And she still is. I love you.
Dear Heather,
I have been watching and waiting for you to write again. And as painful as it must be for you to even express your thoughts just now, I want you to know how much it connects the rest of us to you. Everyone wants to help. No one knows exactly what to say. And whether others have been in similar situations or not, no one can truly understand the depths of your own, very personal sadness. But…we can care. And we do…even those of us who don’t know you except through your blog, yet consider you a friend, and hurt for you. I pray that, someday, your pain will lead you into a beautiful ministry that will honor your precious Emma in ways even you cannot yet imagine, and become a blessing in your life that will help to fill the empty places. For now…just let God love you. Because even when it seems like it, “He will never leave or forsake you.” He loves you with an everlasting love.
Dearest Heather,
You’re stronger than what you imagine. You’re are super wife, mother and above all super child of God. I marvel at your grit and faith. While I understand your grief and pain, I rejoice that you are able to give more of yourself to Easton and Eli. Though Emma is physically gone, she continues to live because she is also part of Easton and Eli.
Came to your site through in-courage. Will pray fervently for your prayers for a restored zest and wonder for life. Words can not express how sorry I am for you and your broken heart.
Heather,
I too know the painful journey that you have started on. We lost our son, Joshua, in November, 2003. He was only 16.
I just can’t give everything to the Lord. I have not been able to trust God fully since that day.
Even though it has been 7 years I still have not found my new life to be comfortable.
I feel like Jacob when he wrestled with God. The only difference is I have wrestled with him for 7 years.
Blessings, peace and comfort to follow all you days,
cindy
Hello,
I have a question about your blog. Please email me!
Thanks,
David
Bless you, dear ones. I am so sorry. May He hold you all together.
Hi Heather,
Hugs to you. I have been praying for you and your family. Glad you have been able to visit friends.
Prayers for you and your family, Heather. I cannot imagine what you are going through. I know that I’ve come to your blog several times and have been blessed by your words, and music that you’ve shared. I thank you for your ministry… without it my life would be much different. I wanted to tell you that I am reading a book called “I Will Carry You” by Angie Smith, wife of Todd Smith of the group Selah. It is the story of her heartbreak in losing a child. Although her circumstances were different, you have a common bond, and I believe you might gain something from reading her book. May God bless you and give you peace.
Praying for your family – I am watching my brother-in-law, age 67 struggle and fight his way through brain cancer ( Glioblastoma). Not able to have surgery – too massive. Given 5 weeks to 8 months. In the 8th month now. Still leading a very active life. Flying here to Michigan next month to go to his 50th high school class reunion (class of 1961). He loves Christ and is faithful. God bless.
There are things in your heart and experiences you have had with Emma that only you and God can understand. How can you tell another human that there were special things about Emma that only you knew and understood? God knows, and cares about your sorrow and your inability to share the depth of your loss and confusion with others. God gave us time so we can recover, process, trust again and know that, like what you said, He is sovreign. You have much to reconcile in your heart.
glad to read you again heather…but also glad you have taken time off with your children too! what you write is what the grief process is all about isn’t it? your life is turned upside down and backwards and you are trying to make sense of it again. As a believer, that includes how it fits the faith you say you believe as well. you won’t know the answers to those questions for along time, if ever…this side of heaven.
i DO know that the 10 yrs. you spend advocating for emma was not wasted! you learned about communicating between her world and the world around her…often the medical world with its weirdness and language all its own. (i’m a nurse and i realize this!) that is a skill all its own and one not easily mastered! don’t minimize it!
you also learned perseverance! do you realize how much you learned it? think back if you can to yourself b/f emma and after. you have to have learned perseverance and patience as well. you may not think of yourself as a patient person…but you are more patient than you once were. it is a process. God has worked it in you through difficult circumstances…that’s the way it happens.
allow yourself time to work through this painful process. you need it for you, your marriage and your living children. all of you are going through your own grief process at different rates of speed and in different ways. give it time before moving on to the next project.
In the process, remember…God is good…all the time. He is ever-present thro’ good times and bad. He is sovereign over everything. He has not been blinking off somewhere in a corner during any of this. I know you know this intellectually. This is when it gets into your gut!
Heather, I thought of you Sunday when our preacher said something that was such a blessing to me. He said, “Rest in the hammock of God’s Sovereignity.” I don’t know you personally (just by the blog), but I love you.
OMG Heather!!! I read your blog years ago…….and I just popped over tonight to “catch up.” It had been almost a year since I have read blogs (I blame it on my new job!)……..I am so sorry to read about little Emma. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. WHat an amazing little angel you have shining down upon you! **Hugs**