I can’t tell you how many times I have tried sitting down in front of this laptop and the words just wouldn’t come. I would try to start to type and then… nothing…. blank.
I have had an awesome yet horrid summer. Awesome because I really truly have 2 great kids and really have enjoyed getting to spend quality time with each of them this summer- time which I was not able to spend in previous years.
Horrid because I miss my 3rd. I just plain miss Emma. I miss her quirky little smile and her eyes. I really miss her eyes.
It is getting easier, but harder at the same time. I have cried less frequently, which is a great thing, but when it comes- it comes in floods. Like a typhoon.
I have kept myself busy with my “new new normal.” We have visited old friends that I haven’t seen in years. Mark and I went up to Jacksonville and spent the day with our dear friends, The Raglands. Maebeth and I had a really great time talking about just “being real” and what that truly really means. We talked about how our children are growing up and becoming less and less dependent on us (She has 5, but only 1 in her home right now). We talked about what the Lord was doing in our lives, and man….. He is doing a lot.
I really thought I knew that God was sovereign, but until Emma died, I honestly did not. I always thought she would come home. She did Every. Single. Time.
Until the last time.
That is what I am having a hard time with. I knew that God was loving and merciful….and now I am getting to know the sovereignty of the Lord. I am beginning to “get” that He was and still is in control. That her days were numbered even before she was born.
How many times I have told you guys that? Now, I am telling myself.
I am learning to depend on Him again. Which is hard because, because like I said before… I always thought she would come home. And when she didn’t, I honestly felt like everything I had known about Him became unraveled in front of my eyes.
Anger, doubt, bitterness, sadness- I
felt feel every single one of those.
After she died… I know very little. I still am trying to come to terms with the purpose and meaning behind it all. I know that she is living our promised inheritance, yet it doesn’t heal the pain of trying to learn to live with out her here. I am so grateful that she will never have to experience pain again…. but what about our pain. What about my families hearts?
What do I do with the last ten years of “pursuing” with her. Being her voice, her eyes, her mom. That is what I am struggling with…. what do I do with all that I have seen her go through?
And what was the purpose of it?
I know that her life has ministered to 1000’s of people, but she was still my little girl. When she died, I felt my heart shatter. My world literally fell apart. You see, I was the one that witnessed the majority of the hospital stays and the “sick Emma”. I was the one who she would walk through the PICU halls with, singing with an IV Pole stacked with medication dragging behind her day in and day out. I was the one who signed all of the consent forms for surgeries and dialysis and continuous EEG’s. I was the one who the doctors and nurses talked to everyday. I saw it all. I have vivid memories of it all.
I don’t know what to do with it all. I don’t know that I ever will.
I haven’t lost my love and desire for the Lord…. yet I have, on more than one occasion through out this journey, lost my passion and joy. I love the Lord more than I ever have, yet it is an odd place to be without your zeal for His heart. Unless you have experienced grief and loss, you can’t possibly understand. I couldn’t understand it until I lost Emma.
Now I understand it more than I want to.
It is all part of the grieving process. It is normal, it is healthy … but it is far too painful. I want Him to restore my zeal. I want him to restore my wonder. I want him to restore my broken heart.
But more than anything, I just want to hold her again…..