I emptied out Emma’s clothes Saturday. I sat, cried, and put them in black trash bags for my goddaughter, Hope.
It was the last “piece” of her, the last “thing” that I had to do.
It felt…… final.
But, here is the ironic part:
“Hope” is the emotional state which promotes the belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one’s life.
I gave Emma’s clothes to Hope.
But this is where grief comes in. It wraps it’s tentacles around my heart and will not let go.
I know that, in the grand scheme of life, grief is such a small thing. But she was a such a constant in my life. She was constantly reminding me that, even thru the pain she suffered, her life was good. She showed me what “hope” really looked like.
She lived it.
She taught me that God was good. And the “grief” of this world is just a moment in time compared to the glory that awaited her {and us as believers}.
I am still learning that God is good, even through this pain. I am still learning that even though I have some hard, tough questions, He is still good. He is still there. He is still God.
And that I can still hope.
It is a daily moment by moment process, learning to live with this grief. When I think I have overcome, the tears appear. The memories are constant, like videos playing in my head. I find myself just stopping and relishing in them instead of pushing them aside.
That is progress.
Mark and I are going to Grief Share this evening. I cry just thinking about it. I want to talk about her, but I dont… if that makes sense. I want to keep her memories locked up inside of my soul, but I know that I need to release them so that others can marvel in God’s goodness in her life.
In Her Purpose.
In His Will.
In My Grief.
Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.
-John 16:22
Susan Shipe says
September 27, 2011 at 4:18 pmHeather, for some reason, my emotions are at an all-time high today and just reading this beautiful testament of Emma brings me to tears – Thank God for Living Hope. My Father placed a banner of HOPE over me in 2003 and it is my prayer that you feel that same banner over you and your family. Blessings as you grieve.
.-= Susan Shipe´s last blog ..10 unchangeables =-.
Sarah S. says
September 27, 2011 at 4:26 pmCannot imagine the raw pain. Thank you sharing Emma and your Hope in your grief.
.-= Sarah S.´s last blog ..Praying for Marlie Ruth =-.
LauraLee says
September 27, 2011 at 4:51 pmI know the Lord is holding you tight. Will continue to pray for you all.
Mary Ostyn says
September 27, 2011 at 5:19 pmPraise God for His blessed and eternal hope!
Mary
Laurie in Ca. says
September 27, 2011 at 6:49 pmHope is huge Heather. May HIS Hope wrap all around you as you love and miss Emma Grace so much. Still praying for you and your family as you continue in this journey of grief and hope. God holds you tight and will never let you go.
Love and Hugs, Laurie
Brandy says
September 27, 2011 at 6:53 pmHope is what got me through the sudden loss of my father when I was 22 and he was 46. Hope is an amazing thing. I have continual hope and pray for you often.
.-= Brandy´s last blog .. =-.
Melissa Sutton-Estrada says
September 27, 2011 at 8:08 pmI know that you kept a few things. I would have, too, and it’s okay. I “hope” that they still held some of her smell for you, because then you could feel like you had a bit of a visit. <3 LOVE YOU
Dawn says
September 27, 2011 at 11:10 pmHeather,
A testimony of hope…. it is so touching the way you choose to talk about your sweet daughter, Emma. This journey is so hard on some days, easier on others. A “new normal” that doesn’t feel normal at all…….
My husband and I facilitate the GriefShare group at our church. I would definitely not say it is an easy ministry…..but, we feel called to this. (we were both previously widowed and lost parents)
I am praying for you, Heather, as you walk this road.
Thank you for your words.
Barbie says
September 28, 2011 at 1:56 amI cannot not imagine walking through pain as great as yours without hope. And sometimes, I can imagine it’s hard to even cling to that hope. I know God is holding you. He catches all of your tears in a bottle. May He continue to show you glimpses of His goodness, even in the midst of your pain.
.-= Barbie´s last blog ..“That’s Not Fair!” =-.
Debbie says
September 28, 2011 at 4:40 amHeather, I pray for you and your family as God brings you to mind. I can’t imagine the heartbreak of losing a child, but I do know that our God is a God of hope and comfort, and I pray that His peace and comfort will fill you more and more. I’ve been attending GriefShare with my sister-in-law since her husband (my brother) died, and it has been very comforting. I hope that you and Mark feel that as well. They also have a GriefShare video for kids. I haven’t seen it, so I don’t know what age it targets, but maybe it would be helpful for your other children. The facilitator may be able to provide it for you.
Melanie says
September 28, 2011 at 12:49 pmI love you, Heather. We’ve never met, but your “mama heart” has touched my “mama heart”, and I cry with you. Praying for you right now.
Love,
Melanie
.-= Melanie´s last blog ..The Resolution for Women {Courageous MEGA Giveaway!} =-.
Christine says
September 28, 2011 at 12:55 pmDear Heather,
I have no idea how hard it must be for you, but be ensured that I always keep you and your family in my prayers.
Thank you for sharing your thaughts with us.
Big Hug
Christine
Janice says
September 29, 2011 at 3:47 pmI keep you and your family in prayer, and hope that last night ended up to be a good thing for you and Mark.
.-= Janice´s last blog ..A Date Night Down Memory Lane . . . =-.
Janet Macy says
October 1, 2011 at 8:51 pmI was immediately pulled into your post. I’ve been there, but it’s been a long time and my son was 16 y/o and died in an accident. So – I can not really understand totally your situation.
Grief has many faces and so so many moods. My brother helps lead GriefShare at his church in PA. I will be praying for you, Heather.
.-= Janet Macy´s last blog ..The one who’s gone astray =-.
Rachel Olsen says
October 2, 2011 at 9:50 pmPausing to pray for you tonight.
Michelle P. says
October 5, 2011 at 12:40 pmI am so thankful that we can grieve with hope, to know this is not the end. We will see her again, healed. At times when we miss her so much, it’s hard to keep that in perspective which I think is a natural part of grief. And in those times our God is faithful to see us through.
“Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD’s great love we
are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is
your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:21-23 ”
Love you – Mischka
Tara says
October 7, 2011 at 9:35 pmHey my name is Tara. I am a new follower on your blog site would you be so kind & follow me back 🙂
thanks
Tara
.-= Tara´s last blog ..GIANT microbes =-.
Ms Kathleen says
October 18, 2011 at 5:39 pmIt has been awhile since I visited your blog. I don’t know what to say but wish I could give you a huge hug. God Bless You and your family.
.-= Ms Kathleen´s last blog ..Simple Changes to Keep Our World Healthy =-.
Janet Macy says
October 18, 2011 at 9:00 pmI just noticed, after re-reading this again today, was that you signed it In His Will, In My Grief.
So proud of you to admit right up front “In My Grief”. Grief and mourning is a true and valid work. It will be the hardest work you will ever have to do. You go, girl! Face it head on.
I didn’t and had to deal with it years later.
.-= Janet Macy´s last blog ..The ONE who’s gone astray =-.