the first’s…

There have been a lot of firsts that no body tells you about when you grieve. The first time I drove by her school and cried. The first time I walked by the girls clothes in Target and gasped for air. The first time I only bought two instead of three and had to leave because it felt so very wrong.

I was expecting the first birthday, mothers day, etc. to be hard, but its the “unknown” firsts that reach into your chest and suffocate your heart.

Then I think about her smile, and somehow my chest releases and I can breathe again.

About a month ago, I went back to her school. I “walked the cracks that she walked”. I walked and I cried. Pictures of her skipping down to her classroom filled my mind. I sat on the bench that she sat on. I touched the books that she loved. I hugged the necks of the teachers she adored.

I longed for the days when she was there.
“Just breathe”…

Grieving takes every ounce of your being, and leaves you with a feeling of hopelessness that you have never experienced before. It digs it’s claws into your soul with it’s relentless grip and if you allow it, sorrow will envelope you.

It is that exact moment that you have to make a choice. You can either choose to stay there and succumb or you can choose to live through the grief. That choice will become a pivotal point in your recovery.

Ask me how I know.

I have been thrown down and beaten up by satan throughout this last 6 months, and yet I am still here. I have doubted, cursed, and blamed; yet I am still here.

Yet, I know it has nothing to do with who I am.
It has everything to do with who I am in Him.

It took an act of God to get me back at her school. I sat in the parking lot and screamed. I hit the steering wheel with my fists, just like you see in the movies.

Then I got out of my car and took the first step. Then the next. Then the next.

Before I knew it, the very thing that terrified me became a blessing that I will never forget.

There is not a moment that goes by that I do not long to have her here with me, yet somehow I know she is where she needs to be. I know that it was not God’s punishment, but His grace, that gave her to me for the amount of time that she was here. I know that her death is but a stepping stone of the journey that He has in store for all of the lives she has touched.

I trust that He has a plan for all of these messy firsts..

And my trust in Him is well placed…

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  1. Oh yes, Heather you are right. The “firsts” are so hard. For me, the secondary griefs were difficult. Sometimes it will come when you least expect it. Through it all, God was (and is) there!
    .-= Dawn´s last blog ..Their Voice Goes Out Into All The Earth =-.

  2. So true. It’s strange how many “firsts” there can be, and how they actually show up.
    .-= Sarah´s last blog ..On Saints =-.

  3. Someday a grieving mother will find your site. Your transparency will be the greatest blessing to her. Hugs from the north. TK

  4. Continuing with the hugs and prayers from Ireland.
    .-= Janmary, N Ireland´s last blog ..Another Halloween in Northern Ireland =-.

  5. The first time I had to make dinner with one less plate. Sometimes I still forget. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. It helps more than you know.

  6. Thank you for sharing this, heather…
    .-= Melissa May´s last blog ..The Last Song for Now… =-.

  7. I cannot imagine those firsts. Thank you for letting us know how He is with you on this journey.
    .-= Barbie´s last blog ..Enter His Courts With Praise! =-.

  8. wow. Thank you for this.
    .-= Susan Hill´s last blog ..when I’m the floor…He’s the house. =-.

  9. This is so beautiful. Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. It matters.

  10. I’m so glad you have your deep faith in God to help you choose to live through the grief.

  11. your grief is running parallel with mine ( which is so small by comparison)
    but by reading here, and seeing you grow I am challenged to grow myself
    and to trust God with those who are no longer with us anymore.
    .-= david´s last blog ..what can we say ? =-.

  12. I can’t imagine how difficult that is for you. I can’t imagine what it must be like for your other children and your husband. I am sure that you all grieve in your own way. Thankful that you all have each other.

  13. Heather, I haven’t commented in a long time, but I read your blog faithfully. Grief is indeed an unexplainable thing, an unpredictable thing, an exhausting and draining thing, and really, it just plain stinks! I went through similar emotions after my twin sister was taken by cancer a few years ago at a young age. As you already are, keep seeking God and He will continue to heal you bit by bit. He will redeem your pain. He doesn’t mind your anger. He loves you. Blessings to you today.
    .-= Chris´s last blog ..Hurray for September! =-.

  14. Warm hugs dear! you are in our minds.
    .-= barak´s last blog ..Dog loss quotes =-.

  15. The first are the hardest but it is the unexpected first that sometimes are harder.
    The first dentist appointment that you forgot was scheduled, the first family night…But Heather God will always be your strength and He has promised us that we will all be together again somedsy.

  16. May He continue to help you breathe through each of these messy firsts, Heather. Your trust in Him is well placed, indeed. (((Hugs)))

  17. This is powerful. Thank you for your tansparency.

  18. I don’t recall how I found your blog about a year ago, near the end of your darlings journey on earth and your story was so moving. Today I happened to look at my long neglected feed reader and was reminded of your blog. Last week our friends buried a child and I was thinking these will be all the things she starts experiencing this week. In time maybe I can suggest this blog, I think she is too raw and numb now, either way it helps me think of things I would have never considered to support her in prayer. Thank you for sharing in your difficult time. Praying for you as well.