There have been a lot of firsts that no body tells you about when you grieve. The first time I drove by her school and cried. The first time I walked by the girls clothes in Target and gasped for air. The first time I only bought two instead of three and had to leave because it felt so very wrong.
I was expecting the first birthday, mothers day, etc. to be hard, but its the “unknown” firsts that reach into your chest and suffocate your heart.
Then I think about her smile, and somehow my chest releases and I can breathe again.
About a month ago, I went back to her school. I “walked the cracks that she walked”. I walked and I cried. Pictures of her skipping down to her classroom filled my mind. I sat on the bench that she sat on. I touched the books that she loved. I hugged the necks of the teachers she adored.
I longed for the days when she was there.
Grieving takes every ounce of your being, and leaves you with a feeling of hopelessness that you have never experienced before. It digs it’s claws into your soul with it’s relentless grip and if you allow it, sorrow will envelope you.
It is that exact moment that you have to make a choice. You can either choose to stay there and succumb or you can choose to live through the grief. That choice will become a pivotal point in your recovery.
Ask me how I know.
I have been thrown down and beaten up by satan throughout this last 6 months, and yet I am still here. I have doubted, cursed, and blamed; yet I am still here.
Yet, I know it has nothing to do with who I am.
It has everything to do with who I am in Him.
It took an act of God to get me back at her school. I sat in the parking lot and screamed. I hit the steering wheel with my fists, just like you see in the movies.
Then I got out of my car and took the first step. Then the next. Then the next.
Before I knew it, the very thing that terrified me became a blessing that I will never forget.
There is not a moment that goes by that I do not long to have her here with me, yet somehow I know she is where she needs to be. I know that it was not God’s punishment, but His grace, that gave her to me for the amount of time that she was here. I know that her death is but a stepping stone of the journey that He has in store for all of the lives she has touched.
I trust that He has a plan for all of these messy firsts..
And my trust in Him is well placed…