As I sit in front of the fireplace far away from home, I am reminded that it is okay to just stop. I relish this time spent with myself, yet do not take it very often because of all of the “me” my life takes away. I think about last Christmas, when she was here. I remember now, her laugh and silly face instead of her tears and pain. My mind carries me back to that last Christmas day, when we were all together, one happy family. I remember the carefree spirit that I held, and the joy that my heart carried.
I miss her this Christmas season. I miss her laugh and silly face.
But I also am relieved in a strange way. I know that will sound horrible to some, but it is my truth. My mommy heart is relieved.
She is finally able to sit on Jesus’ knee and tell Him “Happy Birthday!” in her sweet yet high pitched voice. Oh how I long for the day to be able to see her again.
Yet, that longing is not as strong as it once was. When I look around and see my precious children, still here; still growing, still in need of me… I realize that although she was my world, she is not my entire world. I realize that I have an amazing calling as a mother and wife, it is just a bit different than in the past.
But is no less amazing.
So this chilly morning, while I sit in front of the fire far away from home, I am reminded of what a precious gift it is to be alive, to breathe, to think, to enjoy;
I am so glad to hear you say these words. I know how much the rest of your family needs you to be whole and well. And just think of the miracle of your being alive! We all experienced that with you as well. Enjoy your quiet time, soak up the beauty of the fire and the reason we celebrate this season. I can’t even imagine how hard it is for your family, but I know that God is working in all of this.
Oh, how nice to see that your pain is starting to fade and the sweet memories are coming to the front. Much like her birth. You forget the pain immediately in light of the joy of the birth.
I feel so much the same about my mother….I’m relieved that she is no longer suffering, that her mind is now whole, and her broken body is now working. But I still miss her terribly. Great Christian joy, but deep human sorrow.
Merry Christmas. With much love. Vida
There is NOTHING horrible about these thoughts, dear Heather. There should be relief, yes, there should. And sweet memories and poignant dreaming of reunion. But you are so right – you have precious people who need you fully present with them, a mom and wife who is able to rejoice in the goodness that remains. Merry Christmas!
So glad you are finding peace my beautiful friend. Love and miss you.
Beautifully written straight from your heart that will always have a hole in it. I know about that. You will always have a longing.
I’m so glad she is with Jesus and can sing Happy Birthday to him this year. How exciting to imagine.
May God bless you deeply this Christmas season.
Your words are beautiful. So thankful you are moving beyond such deep pain towards healing. And you are not horrible for saying these words. She’s in such a wonderful place. And you have such a beautiful life ahead of you. Merry Christmas!
not horrible at all….she is at peace and rest….so should you
Praying for you, Heather. So glad you are able to rest — in His arms, during this season, with your family. *Thank you* for the privilege of “meeting” you and your sweet Emma, and the privilege of praying for you, Mark, Easton and Elijah.
Merry Christmas — in the truest, holiest sense of the word. May you meet Him at the manger in a whole new way.
What a beautiful sentiment… The peace of God is so strong. Enjoy your time with your family and the knowledge that precious Emma is with her heavenly Father. God Bless you and Merry Christmas
You are such a blessing to others Heather. Your entries are beautiful. Have a blessed Christmas.