When I came across this quote, I had to ponder on it for awhile. I had to let it soak in and drench my spirit. I had to be still and let the Lord whisper it in my ear.
We were at our dear friends house Monday when the wife asked Mark and I were we were in the grieving process with Emma. We both paused. I know where I am “not”, but I haven’t really thought a lot about where I “am” in the process.
When I look at the 7 stages of grief, I realize that I am somewhere between stage 6 and 7.
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one.
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.
Reconstructing, because I am learning things about myself that I never knew existed with Emma. I am learning to be “Heather” instead of “Emmas mom”. I am working on relationships with my other children that really have suffered through Emma’s life. I am building a stronger foundation in my marriage with my husband, now that we have the opportunity to focus on just “us”.
Accetptance, because I realize that God is a sovereign God, and that His ways are not known to me yet… I have learned to lean on Him, even when I felt He wasn’t there. I have learned to talk to Him even when I felt He wasn’t listening.
I have learned that I do have the strength, through Him, to come through even this.
I am accepting the fact that she really is gone, but only in her earthly state. I dream about her dancing at the feet of her Savior, and singing real words to real songs. As much as I long for her to be here, I would never want her to leave there.
Which brings me back to the above quote. Perfect love. She is experiencing His perfect love at this very moment, with un-abandoned child like faith. He is absolutely “head over heels nuts” for her.
And me.
This is beautiful Heather. Praying for you guys every step of this new journey, knowing that He has His best for your family. Love you.
Love and Hugs, Laurie
what a great thought, I am so glad to read this today.
I love how you say “As much as I long for her to be here, I would never want her to leave there. ” So true! My 4 year old turned to me last week and said “mom if grandpa’s stuck in heaven, how’s he going to get out?” I had to tell him that I don’t think grandpa WANTS out, but he’ll be waiting there for us:)
Hugs <3
I just started following your blog. What an insightful post. Your suffering her on earth will be rewarded when you see his glory with your Emma beside him.
Beautiful Heather!
Wishing you and your family a very blessed Christmas.
In and out of very similar states over here.
I don’t know if you experienced this, but I find that because my daughter was sick for many years before she died, and because we knew she was dying for almost the entire last year of her life, we went through all the stages many times before our daughter actually died. Not only did we grieve because we knew we’d lose her, but because living the way we had to while she was alive was it’s own tragedy that required acceptance in many ways.
Now that’s she’s actually gone, our grief feels like a more pronounced version of what we’ve been living the last 5 years. The big difference I suppose, is time. Then we had none- none to dwell or to think, only to do what needed to be done, and to survive what those things meant for our family. Now I am saturated with time, buried by it. There seems to be so much of it in every day…. and through too many hours of a night. TIme is not often friendly, as it allows issues and emotions that have been pushed aside, to rise up and demand a reckoning.
I am finding that while I have experienced anticipatory grieving, I have also experienced delayed grieving. So many times in my daughter’s days there just was not time or appropriate opportunity to shed the tears that her life deserved. Now I have to grieve not only her death, but the parts of her life that were devastating, but could not be dealt with. It is interesting.
Regardless, the themes from on High have been the same… The transition from “saying” to “Believing” that everything from God’s hand is in line with his Character. That all he allows is zeroing in on the ultimate good he has for my life, the lives of others, and the church. It seems only a rough road can teach us to say with Job “Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him…” (Job 13:15a)
Well said Heather. Don’t be surprised if you go from one stage to another and back again. Even after 25 years I still sometimes have anger and other feelings. Even after 25 years there still are some firsts. It takes me by surprise and knocks me off-kilter for awhile.
I agree. I wouldn’t want him to have to come back here. I’m so content with where he is.