It has been many moons since I last wrote on this blog. Nothing really major as happened, life moved on its normal course through the summer. I held a stiff upper lip through the births of friends babies, while silently screaming crying that life is just not fair.
I would be lying if I said that I didn’t miss the hospital life.. the beeping, the walking the halls, the sleepless nights watching her breathe, praying that she would make it through the night. I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss the medicine list on my refrigerator, the countless doctors/therapy visits, the “thump…thump” of her kangaroo feeding tube machine. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t miss the old life that I use to have, the old friends that I use to have.
The old me that I use to have.
But then I think about the new me. The new Heather that loves to plan and organize and create. The new Heather that never use to leave the house but who now has a life outside of these four walls. I think about the awesome friends that I have gained that I would never have met in the past because daily living had emotionally drained me.
Sure, I still miss the “Old Heather” and I still miss Emma severely, but I can not will not be broken, even though at times I feel like the whole world has moved on and I am stuck standing in the exact emotional spot that I stood on that day. But I gently pull myself out of that pit of utter defeat, and give myself the grace to mourn her death, yet appreciate my new life.
My new life… that is getting easier to face with every new day.