We all have had hard “things” in our lives. My “thing” is no greater or less than your “thing”. My hurts are no greater or less than your hurts. Yet, what we do with those “things” and those “hurts” can define us here on earth.

When Mark and I were told about Emma before she was born, our decisions determined the path her life would take. When Mark and I found out that I had brain cancer, our decisions determined the path our families lives would take. When our family was told that Emma would not come home, our decision determined the path her body would take.

Yet the Lord’s will never changed. He was not alarmed nor was He shaken by the paths that He already had planned for our little lives down here.

I had a really hard time with this after the decision was made to turn off the machines. I doubted myself. I doubted my love for Emma. But then a friend asked me one simple question: “Heather, when you turned them off, did she live?” It wasn’t up to me whether she lived or died, God had numbered her days even before she was born. If it wasn’t her time, she would have still been breathing after the machines stopped. It took me a long time to come to that realization and accept the fact that I did the best thing for my daughter.

God never lost control. He never lost his breath. He never shook his head and said “what now”.

“We have been called according to His purpose.” -Romans 8:28

Not our purpose. Not our wants or desires. Not our selfish plans.

His.

We are never outside of His plan for our lives. So when those hard questions come, and trust me they will come, remember that we are never given over to “random chance” by our Creator. He is conforming and molding us into His likeness. He is refining our hearts, and with refining there comes pain and suffering.

We see the back of the tapestry with all of the knots and strings… He is in the front making His masterpiece out of our lives. In Romans, Peter says “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us“. God is going to reveal glory in His children. He is going to turn our mourning into gladness. He will wipe every tear from our eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain.

When the storms come, and questions run rampant in your hearts, where will you hide? Will you hide in fear and hopelessness, doubting that that the one who holds the entire universe in the palm of his hand does not care about you; or will you take refuge in His sovereign plan for your life, hiding in His loving arms until the storm passes and you are able to stand up again.

You will have questions, you will have doubt, you will be angry.

It is what you do with those things that will determine your future stability and well being.

Where will you hide?

When I look back over my life, I wonder where You were when bad things happened to my family. I wonder where you were when my world collapsed underneath me.

Then I realize.
You were still on your throne.
You were still looking down.
You were still there.
You were still God.

And through all of the heartache, death, sadness, anger; I have lost sight of what really matters. I have forgotten that this all ends well for me and that Heaven stands as my reward. I have leaned less on Your promises and more on my own understanding, or lack thereof

I am learning that I really never knew anything. I am learning that lack of control equals growth. I am learning to trust You again. I am learning that You are still the same God that gave my precious daughter to me for 9+ years. I am learning that grief is something I really never really truly understood the way I do now.

I am learning that through it all… I never left Your hands.

I had my bi-quarterly MRI last Wednesday. Normally when I am laying on the MRI table, I recite verses and remain calm through the 40 minute bumping, knocking, thudding.

This time was different. This time I felt scared.

I thought about my expiration date, and that once I hit the three year mark (May of this year) I will be living on borrowed time.

I thought about Emma’s expiration date and how she is already living on borrowed time.

I thought about those two things all the way through my MRI until the last 10 minutes or so.

Then I stopped.

I prayed.

I cried.

I prayed some more.

and right at that moment these verses popped into my head:

“You are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you. Do not be afraid, for I am with you.”
- Isaiah 43: 4-5

“Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” – Psalm 139:16

When I went in for that MRI I was terrified. My mind was racing every which way but straight. When I came out, I was renewed and refreshed. Scripture has a funny way of putting my heart at rest.

It has a funny way of chasing Satan out, and bringing peace within.

I am not a number. Emma is not a number. You are not a number.

Only the Lord knows our “expiration date”.

I have to constantly remind myself of the fact that I have nothing to fear because like I have always said:

Either way, this ends well for me.

BTW: My MRI was clear

If you followed me on twitter yesterday, you probably already know that my MRI was clear! Thank you so much for all of your prayers and support. I have no idea why this last MRI was so stressful to me {and my family} but it really helped knowing that you were praying. I am sorry that I couldn’t update sooner but my parents took us out for Mexican food last night to celebrate and then I literally fell asleep on the car ride home

Tomorrow is my quarterly MRI, Labs and Clinic visit. The fact is this visit is no different than the previous visits regarding protocol, yet it is very different emotionally for me. I always get anxious before, and I always can talk myself down. But this time all I can think about is what the neurosurgeon said to me and my husband right after surgery..

3-5 years.

I am coming up on my expiration date according to the statistics.

Yes, I know that statistics are only numbers based on the average. I have written about this many times, I know in my head that I am not a statistic….

But this time I need to feel it in my heart. This is one of those times that I wish I would have been able to speak when we received the prognosis… I would stopped him before he had time to finish.

I didn’t want to know.

I keep refreshing my mind on scripture and praying like never before … but the fact is I can’t foresee the future. I can’t wish the news away if it is bad. All I can do is pray for the Lords will to be done and rest on His promise that He will hold me through it when the time comes….

Whether that be tomorrow or 89 years from now.

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.” – Isaiah 43:1b

No matter what… I am His…

“I can count a million times people asking me how I can praise You with all that I’ve gone through. The question just amazes me, can circumstances possibly change who I forever am in You?” -MercyMe

That is Emma’s hand catching rain. This pictures really touches my heart because it captures perfectly how our family chooses to accept the “rain” instead of run from it. So many times people approach us and tell us how strong we are… how brave we must be to take on all that we have, including my cancer and a daughter with special needs.

I never really thought we were brave, and most of the time we are not strong. What options do we have? We could either wallow in the heartache or we can praise Him through the storms….
{continue reading at incourage}

When ever I hear of someone who has been recently diagnosed with cancer, my mind goes back to that day when I first heard that I had brain cancer. I remember the fear and the complete out of control feeling that I felt. I remember the pleading, praying, bargaining, begging and finally the surrender that I experienced.

I have recently come across two very precious people that have just been diagnosed with cancer. Wendy has just been diagnosed with lymphoma. Reading through her blog, floods of emotion ran through me… especially this post I remember silently watching my hair go down the drain, trying to hold back the tears… I remember calling my dad because Mark was at work and asking him to come over and shave my head because it was too hard to watch it gradually fall out. I remember not wanting to be “the cancer warrior”… Wendy is a gentle soul who is part of the club that no one wants to be a member of. She is a jewel.

Last Sunday at church, one of our elders wives mentioned her family member who has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. Jill is only 26 years old… that is way too young to be dealing with this disease {although there is never the “right” age to get cancer, is there?} While reading her posts, I remember the days after my brain surgery and how wonderful staying with my parents was. I remember just being thankful to be alive. I remember watching everything around me with a new found awe. I remember viewing life differently & with more anticipation through cancers eyes. Although I have not yet spoken to Jill, we are on the same path and that path has bound our journeys together in ways that we will never quite comprehend.

So if you have a moment, go leave these 2 brave women an encouraging comment. If you are a cancer survivor or know of someone who is, tell them that they are not alone.

First, thank you so much for your comments on my last post.. they really helped. I appreciate your prayers also, more than you will ever know.

On the way home from church this morning, this song came on. The words really touched my heart and calmed my thoughts. I have been praying so hard that Christ would calm my fears and put his hand on my heart, and I believe that He did through your comments and through this song. It really amazes me that even when I doubt His sovereignty, he somehow manages to look past that and gently guide me back to where I belong, putting my focus back into prospective. It has been a very long 3 weeks filled with pure exhaustion, and I feel like I have lost all sense of control….

And that’s right where He wants me.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.
For when I am weak, then I am strong. -2 Corinthians 12:8-10

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don’t have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That’s what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

These past few weeks I have been just trying to stay afloat. My mind has been traveling to places it shouldn’t, and I have had a hard time with the how’s and why’s. I have found myself fearful of the next MRI (Dec. 9th) and I really don’t know why. I know in my heart that He is already there and he knows the outcome…. it is just hard not having that control.

I hear these words over and over in my heart: “Be still and know”…. but my mind wont stay still long enough to let what I know sink in.

So, if you would, say a prayer for me. Pray that I would have peace that passes all understanding and that satan would have no control over my thoughts. Pray that I would go in confidence to my Dec 9th MRI, and that His will would be done- not mine.

That is really hard for me to type… His will, not mine.

For someone who has to be in control of everything… having no control over this is really hard.

Brutally Hard.

“True courage is not the absence of fear – but the willingness to proceed in spite of it.”
-Author Unknown

Edited to add: When I came home today, my daughter told me to read her blog. She makes me so very proud. I didn’t realize that this was her biggest fear… My family is the reason I fight so hard, I love each an every one of them more than words can say. Now go read her post: Picks Of Hope

“Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.” – John Wayne

When I first was diagnosed with brain cancer, the first few days took courage to breathe. I ate, slept, dreamed and pee’d cancer. I was terrified, and at the same time I was at peace. {like those two even remotely go together!} I remember waking up every day and shouting internally “One more day!” You see things clearer and with more passion. You live life with such anticipation of the next moment.

You truly live with courage.

The newness of the diagnosis has worn off, and my daily routine has gone back to pretty much normal. I have regained my speech. I am homeschooling my children. I can cook a meal and not burn the house down!  Yet, in the quiet moments of the day, I stop and think about those days when the diagnosis was still fresh and I long to see life through cancers eyes again. It was so very vivid and awakening.

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience you face in which you really stop to look fear in the face.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

I long to have that kind of courage back. The “If I can tackle cancer, I can tackle anything” mindset that followed the diagnosis. I have slowly lost it along the way.

So today, I look for that courage as I unwrap the mundane issues that my life now entails; because if I can tackle cancer- I can tackle the world. {With Gods help, of course!}

What do you need help unwrapping today?

{“Courage Unwrapped” is part of  “Unwrapping Tuesdays” at chatting at the sky }

“When nobody around you seems to measure up, it’s time to check your yardstick.” ~Bill Lemley

That quote has stuck with me since the first time I read it. I often have to check my yardstick because someone is failing me or not living up to my expectations/standards. And then I think about how many times I have tried to live up to someone else’s standards and failed miserably.

I remember when I first told you guys that I had brain cancer, the pressure was so intense to post positively. I felt that all eyes were on me and that if I failed {whether spiritually, emotionally, or health wise}, I was failing you. I have since come to acknowledge that being “perfect” in my pain is not what is expected of me, in fact most of you have often said that you come here because I speak of how hard my life is amidst the joy. It has been a long road coming to terms with the fact that I dont always have to be “on”.

At She Speaks I pulled my sweet friend The Nester aside and literally cried a bucket of tears. I couldnt tell her why I was crying, I just sobbed. When I could muster the words I explained that I have felt so much pressure on me to upbeat and positive and that I am not always that way. I often {more times than not} have a sour attitude about my circumstances. Don’t get me wrong, I still find joy in these hardships but it doesn’t make those hardships any less, well… hard. I will never forget what she told me…”Heather, We love you because you are real in your pain.”

Real in my pain. That took my breath away.

I have come to realize in my 34 years of life that there no perfect people. There are no perfect lives. There are only shadows of grace in a fallen world, and if we search hard enough… we might just able to sit in that shade for awhile and rest.

My world has been so much easier since I took off my masks. I still have moments of complete and utter frustration at what my life has handed me.

But then I look deep into those shadows and see a perfect Gods grace… And all is well in my little imperfect world.

{This post was made after listening to Natalie Grants “Perfect People”.
You can listen to the song here}

Do you ever feel like an utter failure in the eyes of the Lord? Do you feel you cannot possible compare to _____ because she prays all of the time, holds bible studies in her house and doesn’t raise her voice at her children?

If I were to be completely honest with you, you would shake your head in disbelief at how many times I have not had time for my quiet time or even prayed. You would be appalled when I told you that I am not always gentle with my children. But then again, maybe most you wouldn’t because you too are in the same boat as me. You are fighting to stay afloat of your daily responsibilities { work, home, children, church, family, marriage} and by the end of the day, you are just too exhausted {or frazzled} to do anything other than wish to see the inside of your eyelids.

You feel like a failure in the eyes of God.

It is easy to get trapped in that mindset, to be eaten up by guilt and shame. But when I feel this way, I just look at Davids life. God called him “A man after Gods own heart.” Was David perfect; was he holy and sinless? Absolutely not.

• He was not always the best disciplinarian to his children.
• He had many wives
• He knew that his daughter, Tamar had been raped by her half brother & chose to do nothing.
• He committed adultery with Bathsheba and ordered her husband to be killed to cover it up.

David is a prime example of Gods love. He sinned over and over again, yet Christ still welcomed him back. That is not to say that the consequences for Davids sins were not harsh and swift. He lost a child that he had conceived with Bathsheba right after birth because of his sin.

Was David perfect? Did he trust God 100% of the time? Did he pray constantly? No. He was human. And he loved Christ with a deep and mad love. Not a perfect love, but a deep and mad love. David had his faults, but God knew his heart.

And God knows our hearts too. He knows that we lack patience with our kids. He knows that we get frustrated with our day to day lives, and He knows that we put Him on the back burner more times than not…

Yet He still loves us with a mad and deep love. He beckons us to come back to him. He patiently waits until we have gotten over our pity party and turn to him and run.

This life is not an easy one. It can be downright torturous at times. There will be valleys. There will be deserts. There will be thorns.

My life is a prime example of hardship. And I still don’t have it all figured out but I am working on being after Gods own heart.

In fact, I long for that.

It was Thanksgiving, and my parents were visiting us in Jacksonville for the holiday—I didn’t want to tell them—I didn’t want to tell anyone. I had no idea how I was going to manage two in diapers…and we cloth-diapered our kids, which dulled my excitement even more.

Don’t get me wrong—I was excited about the life I was carrying, I just had other plans for my future, and they didn’t include being pregnant again so soon.

I look back at that time in my life, and often smile. Because it proves to me again how God is so in control of my life, and my future…
continue reading at {in}courage…

I have had many people ask me this question: “Why do you continue to shave your head even though you are not on any treatments?” And honestly, it is a good question that I don’t think I have addressed here on my blog.

First, I did not lose my hair from chemo. I took a pill form of chemo called Temodar. Temodar has all of the usual side effects of iv chemo (low platelets, loss of appetite, nausea, weight loss etc) except for losing your hair. I lost my hair due to high levels of radiation on my scalp that killed my hair follicles. I have thinning in large areas that will never be full again from where the levels were lower. I have a an “old man bald spot” on the top of my head where the levels were high:

The amazing thing about this song is that it was written by a man who claimed to have cancer yet did not. He faked his illness for 2 straight years, deceiving not only his parents congregation, but his wife and parents, yet the Lord turned it around for good. I first heard about this back when I was on chemo and it was honestly to close to home for me at the time. I wondered how in the world someone could take something so vile such as cancer and use it for monetary gain.. and sympathy. He even went so far as to dawn oxygen and walk with a cane to elude his symptoms were real. So I chose not to write about it because of the state of mind I was in at that time.

It was too close to home for me at that time.

Then I heard about this 10 year girl who sang it after receiving her heart transplant. I read about the countless people who sang it from their hospital beds, from their couches, from their hearts. I realized what a mighty and all encompassing God I served, that he could turn something so hurtful and so deceptive and use it for HIS glory. I realized that even though Mike had deceived hundreds of thousands- He was still human. He had apologized. He needed forgiveness.

And even though I have never met him… I freely give it to him. Even though I was in the depths of treatment for my very real cancer when he was faking his cancer- I forgive him.

And I praise my God, because he is able to turn the most ugly of situations around for His glory…

I praise him because through him… Nothing is impossible.

Gracyn (10) received a heart transplant on April 15, 2009 and joined Kari in singing Healer which was a life-changing song during Gracyn’s waiting period for a heart. Read more of Gracyn’s story here.