{This post was originally written on August 26, 2007}

I’m sitting here, trying to think about how to put my heart into words, but the only thing that comes out is “Whatever, Lord.”

Whatever you need to do, do it. Give me the grace and the strength to fight this, because right now I have none of both. I don’t want to do this any more; I don’t want to feel sick and tired anymore. I am so sick of being sick. If this is what I will feel like for the next year, you have to give me the strength to combat this, because I can’t do this on my own strength. I know you have a plan, and your plan is perfect, but does it have to be so hard? Does it have to be so tiring, draining and so endless? I know you love me, I know that… but right now I need to feel it. I need to feel your hand on my heart, your touch on my soul. You promised you would never leave me, and I believe that, I really do…..
{continue reading at SheSeeks…}

I have to tell you that I was so very nervous going into this interview… and it shows! I never realized how many times I said “um” in a conversation! It was a true pleasure to be interviewed by Melissa. She is a wonderful person and so easy to talk to. I was amazed at how quickly 45 minutes flew by! God is really using her to reach others through her radio show and it was a true honor to be one of those women He chose to use.

Pull up a chair and listen to what the Lord has done in my (and her) life thus far!

And yes.. that is me saying quietly “hello?” at the end… :unsure:

Corrections: Her heart was not the size a football, but the size of an adults fist. (example of me using the wrong word :blush: ) and Easton is 12 not 11… (lost a full year there!)

Ohh ohh we’re living on a prayer! That seems to be the motto of my life.

Before I start this post, let me welcome you to my blog party and also tell you a little about myself and my family. My name is Heather George, and I am a vibrant semi young mother of three. Easton is 11, Elijah is 7, and Emma Grace is 6. I am married to Mark, the most amazing man on the planet in my opinion.

I semi-homeschool Easton and Elijah (with the help of a local school), and I wouldn’t trade that for the world. I plan on homeschooling full time next year, with the help of an umbrella school.

Click To Make Larger

This week marks the halfway point of my chemo (you can clap!) and I want to celebrate it with you! If you are new to my blog, I have brain cancer. I had a malignant tumor (anaplastic astrocytoma) removed last May and underwent chemo and radiation simultaneously for 6 weeks and had a month off, then started my full year of chemo. I am on a 5 day on, 23 day off cycle and I am six months in (or out!) of that treatment!

Like I said, You can clap!

The surgeon that preformed my crainiotomy gave me a prognosis 3-5 years to live. God says in His word that only He knows the number of my days. Only He knows the number of hairs (or lack there of ) on my head. Only he knows what the future holds for my life, and I am trusting the great physician…

God has been so very very good to my family. If you have read my blog, you will know that I am a firm believer, I make no excuses about my faith, and I hold nothing back when it comes to where my trust lies. I often say that my cancer did not take my God by surprise, and either way this ends well for me! That doesn’t mean that I don’t (often) have stern talks with God, and ask “why” over and over (and over and over) again. Trust me, I do, but I figure He has broad enough shoulders to handle it! I also live life to the fullest, I embrace each day for the gift that it is, and I cherish every.single.moment I have with my family.

Take a moment and look around my blog. Click on the many things I have in my sidebar (Yes, I know I have a ton!) but before you leave, if you dont read anything else, please read “The Name” and “The Cancer” and “Emma Grace” up top in the left sidebar. I promise you that you will not leave here empty and you will not leave here hopeless.

More than anything, I want you to leave here with hope… hope that you can face any circumstance with Christ by your side. And when you are not strong enough to walk, He will carry you, like he has done me and my family through the many trials of our lives.

Thanks for stopping by!

There are so many cool prizes to be won at this year’s Ultimate Blog Party, but my top three picks would be:

Bead Dangle Photo Tile Necklace (LOVE this!)
Provided by: Elemental Memories

Orange and Blue Beaded Necklace
Provided by: Autumn Daisy Studio

12 Basic Boutique Bows
Provided by: MommyMandy.com

And if my top three picks are already chosen, I’d love any of the following (in order of preference):
1,86,61,3,82,119, or anything else related to life as a mom raising 3 children ages 6,7 and 11.

I started my 6th round chemo last night. That means I am half way done! I will be out of commission for most of this week, but please join me back here for the Ultimate Blog Party this Friday where I will be celebrating the half way mark of being done with chemo!

Specific Prayer Requests this week:

That chemo would do only what it is suppose to do and nothing more.

That this would be the easiest chemo round yet

Before I sign off, please visit Shaun Barrowes’ blog and purchase his song. 100% of the proceeds go towards cancer research. Shauns little brother recently had a malignant brain tumor removed just like me, and this is Shauns tangible way to help fight for his little brother and people like me.

A note from Shauns blog:

Here’s the reason I chose Gateway for Cancer Research:
My brother was recently diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor. He underwent brain surgery and was very fortunate to make a full recovery from the procedure. He’s one of the lucky ones, and I’m very grateful for the Cancer research that provided doctors like his with the necessary means to cure him.

However, this experience has brought me to an awareness of the dangers of cancer, and has inspired me to take action. So I came across Gateway for Cancer Research and found it to be an effective organization dedicated to curing cancer through funding patient-centered clinical studies that make an impact on those battling cancer (http://www.gatewayforcancerresearch.com).

Please visit and purchase his song, it is only 99 cents. That is cheaper than a Starbucks Coffee and just think of all of the cancer patients you will be helping… cancer patients like me and Shauns little brother.

Thank you so much for doing this (and if you feel led, leave me a note in my comments telling me that you purchased his song).

I will see you back here Friday Morning

“The best things about sunny days is that they remind us that the gloomy days are only temporary. Take a minute to list thirty things that are great about your life (and the more trouble you have doing it, the more you need to do it!) Tuck your list somewhere safe and refer to it when you need a reminder that a sunny day is just around the corner… ”
-The Rainy Day Book

On this Monday morning, when I feel sick, achy and have a cough that steers people away from me, I really need a reminder that there ARE great things in my life. I chose to do this on my blog because maybe there is someone out there that needs the same reminder as me. Maybe your days have been gloomy and dreary. Lets list thirty things on our blogs that are great about our lives, that bring us joy and make us smile. Lets praise Him for all that He has done in our lives, even when our lives aren’t so great.

Things that are great about my life:

1. I have an ever loving, everlasting Heavenly Father.

2. I have LIFE still in me

3. My husband, who does so much without complaining.

4. My Easton, who is growing up so quick.

5. My Elijah, who amazes me daily with the things he comes says.

6. My Emma Grace, who fights like mad but is sweet as can be.

7. My parents, who love unconditionally. Most parents don’t.

8. My church body, who is like an extension of our family.

9. My speech, I am so blessed to have my speech.

10. I can walk. I will never take that for granted again.

11. I can recognize my children and my family.

12. I see life through cancer tainted glasses, and am better because of it.

13. I live in an age where a diagnosis of cancer doesn’t have to have a period at the end of it.

14. Even when I am down, feeling sorry for myself, crying for no reason, He understands.

15. When life seems unfair, I know deep in my heart that I have more than I deserve.

16. Flowers. I love flowers….

17. My house. Even though it is often messy… it is also loved on by my family and friends.

18. Cancer. I wish it hadn’t entered my life, but now that it has I am better because of it.

19. Chemo. Fight like mad, little guys!

20. Having no hair. It really is liberating.

21. Going to the farmers market with my family last Saturday… even though I shouldn’t have.

22. Times spent alone with my husband, talking about life and the kids.

23. Having a husband to talk to.

24. Having kids to cherish.

25. Having a family to love.

26. Having parents who love me so fiercely.

27. Having a home to clean.

28. Having a family to mess it up.

29. Having a life to live, in a country that gives me the freedom to live it.

30. Jesus Christ. Most of all, He is what is the greatest about my life.

What is great about your life?

First, I apologize for not updating sooner. I have been a bit under the weather and just today have felt well enough to update you on what is going on here….

The Sunday before last (1-27) we had our first home group since my diagnosis and proceeding surgery. It felt so wonderful to entertain again, and to delve into Gods word with everyone. We have been doing the series Nooma which is a great building block for discussions. It lays the ground work in a basic way and depending on your crowd and their spiritual level you can go real deep or stay basic. We had praise and worship, followed by snacks and then watched the Nooma devotional “Lump”.

It really was a great time…

Then this past weekend, we took Easton and her two friends to the Revolve Tour which is put on by Women of Faith. Hawk Nelson was there, and OMGosh did Easton go wild. Easton broke her wrist last Thursday (I know, right!) and she just HAD to have the lead singer of Hawk Nelson sign her cast. (I thought Hawk Nelson was the name of the lead singer, but I was set straight with a huge eye roll). We adopted a a young girl in Chad named Nguemadjibaye through World Vision for $30 a month and Easton got a “golden ticket” to have Hawk Nelson, the entire band, sign one item. What would that one item be?? You guessed it, her green and black swirled cast on her right arm… You would have thought she had died and gone to heaven. But that is not the best part of the story, oh no. When Jason (the lead singer of Hawk Nelson) asked her how she broke her arm, and she replied “Playing Soccer”…. He said…… “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”

Oh.

My.

Gosh.

Now my dad, her papa, said that if he were there he would give that boy a stern talking to, but I thought it was too cute to see her face turn beat red and hear her giggle about it the entire next day!

Here are some pictures of of the girls and the conference:

And Just to give you a peak of what Easton was doing the Entire.Time. Hawk Nelson was playing:

And…. Guess what her shirt says?

The conference was really great, and it wasn’t all about Hawk Nelson. The praise and worship team were phenomenal and the teaching was spot on. When Natalie Grant (yes she was there too!) sang “Better Hands” I just bawled. They had one session on “Are you a treasure or a target” which really ministered to my daughter. And one drama skit brought her tears about baggage. Her dad asked her if she was carrying baggage that she would like to lay down and through her tears she answered yes. He said if you don’t want to tell me what it is you don’t have to, but I would really like to help you with it. She told him that she was fearful that Emma and I were going to die, and that she thought about that all the time. (The picture of them together up there was when they were discussing this) Oh how that broke my husband and I’s heart. Mark told her that she could lay it at the foot of the cross, just like the girl did in the skit. That she didn’t have to worry about it or carry it anylonger, and that he knew how hard that was, but no matter what…. NO MATTER WHAT…. God would never never leave her side. Mark didn’t promise her that I or Emma wouldn’t die, that would be so unfair to her…. But he did promise her that no matter what happened, He would be there, and more importantly her heavenly father would be there.

Beautiful Father Daughter Moment….

I have had a tremendously busy 2 weeks, and am currently on my chemo cycle with a cold… but I just couldnt pass up telling you about all of the wonderful memories we made and all of the awesome moments we have had together.

God is good, all the time.

So many times I will get comments that say “You are so brave, Heather!”.. And while I know that they are sincerely coming from peoples heart, I am so not brave. I have had circumstances in my life that I HAD to face, I had to have strength, and I had to fight like mad because the only other option meant death. That is so not bravery.

When I was pregnant with Emma, I had a choice. I could sink in a deep depression and hide (which I did, for about two weeks) and choose not to face it or I could fight like mad to save her, even though they gave her little hope. I chose option B, not because I am brave or strong… option A was too hard, too close to home. Option A meant death, and I chose life. I didn’t know at the time that I made the right choice, every doctor within talking distance spoke to me about letting her go when we were in ICU, but I felt in my heart that God wasn’t done with her yet, and I had made a promise to her in that little incubator in NICU. I promised I would fight for her as long as I could, and she could let me know when she was ready. And that is what I did and continue to do.

She did all the work. She beat all of the odds. She breathed on a ventilator for 4 months. She lasted through Transplant. She is learning despite the autism and battling through the mitochondrial disease.

I just supported her and loved her. Still do.

Then came cancer. I am still dealing with that. The emotions often hit me when I least expect it, in the grocery store or when I pick up my chemo from the pharmacy, or yesterday in the dentist office, sitting and watching my son play video games. If you could see me in my house, alone, you wouldn’t think I was strong. But I have children and a husband and they need me. I have parents who love me, and they need me. I have so many friends who call to support me and ask me if I am okay, you can ask them how brave I have been through this process. It has literally knocked the air right out of my chest.

But life cant stop. I cant stop. I still have children, and a husband that I love dearly. I chose them. I chose them when I was laying on the operating table, I choose them every time I pop that little chemo pill in my mouth.

I choose life.

Do I think my life is fair? My flesh doesn’t at all. My flesh wants to cry out and scream how unfair this is. But I am not my flesh. I really like how Sarah put it:

So life goes on, with bumps in the road that vary from pebbles to rocks to impassible boulders. I will get my share, and you will get yours, because somehow in His wisdom that’s what He has decided, and it’s not going to be any different until heaven. There the streets are paved with gold, no bumps allowed. It changes things, when I think about it. Maybe it is fair, after all. I live a life of less than a hundred years, occasionally dealing with hardship on varying levels, and then I transition to an eternity where there is no hardship, no tears, no hives. No, that’s definitely not fair. It’s way better than fair. I guess I don’t want my “fair” share after all.

Its way better than fair. It is way more than I deserve. It is so much more than I could have.

I could have been the mom who buried her child. I could have been the cancer patient that found out too late. I could have been the one…. you get my point.

Life is a funny creature, it comes at you from all directions- throwing things at you. Sometimes you see them coming from far away and have time to prepare for them, other times they sneak up on you and tap you on the shoulder. Either way, you make a choice. You choose to face what ever it throws at you head on, dealing with it now. Or you chose to bury your head in the sand and ignore the issue.

Its a choice. Its all in how you face it.

I choose to face it with Christ by my side, holding my hand all the way.

He is why I seem so brave.

We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.
-2 Corinthians 4:7 (NLT)

I visited my oncologist today (I forgot to mention that, I am so sorry!). The topic of todays visit was to determine if I needed a higher dose of Temodar (chemo). I believe I was overdosing myself on laxatives (constipation scares me) so we had an in depth conversation about that. He said he would do what ever made me feel the most comfortable, but that given my track record with my platelets he would not recommend going past 300 mgs x 5 days (I am currently on 200mgs x 5days) I broke down for the first time in front of him and cried when he said that. I dont really know why, I think that I am just so scared that I am not doing enough, that I am not hitting the cancer cells hard enough….those of you who have cancer know that feeling. I want to be as forceful as possible in beating this thing, and I need someone like Dr. Chowdahry to pull the reins back a bit and tell me that everything is going to be fine.

He agreed to raise my Temodar dose to the 300 mg x 5 days, and told me to watch for any fatigue or bruising. We talked about quality of life vs. quantity and that it was useless to be alive and sick as a dog. I agreed to call Robin if there were any side effects (at my current dose I really don’t have any other than constipation and that is manageable).

I am so glad that I have an oncologist who is also a Christian. I am so thankful that every time my appointments are over, he tells me that He is praying for me. I am so thankful that my nurse, Robin, is also a Christian and is praying for me. I cant tell you what that does for my heart. When I started crying, he quietly said “This is the time to positive. You are doing so wonderful. You are going to beat this thing, and I am going to help you.”

That did my heart so much good.

We talked about how powerful prayer is, and how he always prays for every single one of his patients. I have to remember that no matter what, this earth is not my home, but that is so difficult when the reality of your mortality looms over your head.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest, and I really don’t know why but I am thankful that it has. I sometimes feel like I have to be strong for everyone else, and I neglect my own emotions until they build up inside of me… I have to work really hard at that, and I am committed to doing that. I also need to listen to my body more and rest when I need to rest. I think that is the biggest issue right now. I haven’t stopped going since we left for Virginia. I am not the person I was before chemo, cancer and radiation entered my life and I need to learn to accept that and not push myself so hard both emotionally and physically. It is really difficult to do when life goes on around me at the same pace it did before cancer. My kids still need their mom, my husband still needs his wife, Emma still needs so much attention and medical intervention, yet I need to remember that I cant be all that I was before. I need to work on asking for help when I need help and not being to prideful and stubborn and stop dwelling on the things I cant do now, and focus on what I still can do.

Things to pray for this week and next:

Tomorrow (Thursday): Emma has Cardiac Transplant Clinic in Gainesville. Pray that she breezes through all the labs and tests. She hasn’t seen Dr. Fricker in a long long time and is so very excited to finally see “Dr. Foo”!

Next Thursday: Emma has her annual IEP meeting at her school. This is so very important in her education. Pray that we set manageable goals. We are also discussing putting her in until 3:30 every day (she only stays until 2:30 now) I know that in many kids, an hour doesn’t mean much but it does when you have a Mitochondrial Disease, pray that we make the right decision regarding that.

Thats it! I pray that your week has been fantabulous and that you made many many memories.

I know I haven’t written much in the last month, and I could blame it on the Holidays and Festivities (which would be partially true) but the truth is that I have had so much on my mind.

Easton and Elijah’s teacher, Dr.Holland has been diagnosed with colon cancer, my father in law has been diagnosed with kindney cancer, my moms boss has a family member who was recently diagnosed with brain cancer, Kate had a re-occurring glioma and had brain surgery, David Welch has just been diagnosed with GBM after battling brain cancer for a number of years, A woman in my support group died last month, I still see her sitting in the chair every time I walk into the room where our group meets. Don Valencia lost his battle with cancer this past month. Marisa died last November of cancer, and then there is the death of Amy Wilhoite earlier this year.

I’m sick of the word “Cancer”. I am sick of taking chemo. I just want my old ordinarily normal life back. I want my old self back, the Heather that doesnt forget where she put her coffee and pours herself another and another and then another. The Heather that doesn’t have to write herself notes all the time, or ask someone to remember where she put something because she knows she will forget. The old Heather that could carry on a conversation without having to pause and think of the right word or the “non blunt” way to answer. The Heather that could go a day with out thinking about death or cancer.

The Heather that I use to be.

It is amazing to me how often I hear that word now that I have been diagnosed with it. I really really wanted to go see P.S. I love you, but upon reading the synopsis for the movie, wouldnt you know it.. Her husband dies of a brain tumor. Side Order of Life, one of my favorite shows had a character who was diagnosed with brain tumor (mets). It seems like every show I watch, someone has cancer. I can’t seem to get away from cancer, no matter how hard I try….

I guess I could look at the bright side… cancer awareness is on the forefront of every ones minds these days. That is one positive thing out of this, for every heartbreaking reminder that I have cancer, someone is being made aware that cancer is very real, very serious and very deadly.

I don’t like to think negatively, but I have to admit that when mom and I were walking through the Christmas isles at Target, I had a brief moment of sadness, wondering if I would be here next year or if it was going to come back before then…. When we sat around the fire in Virginia and everyone was talking about how we should do this more often, I literally started crying… I don’t know how many “more often’s” I have left. I usually stop myself from going down that emotional road, but this month it has been so very hard. I don’t know if it is the holidays, or the fact that cancer has surrounded me and reminded me that it is still very real.

I don’t know why I chose this topic to write on today… It seems so “fatalistic” and I really don’t want to portray myself in that manner, it isn’t my personality nor is it how I feel on a regular basis. Maybe that is what prompted me to write it.

It is real.

First and foremost, My MRI was all clear Now I can really enjoy the holidays and not stress over my MRI. Thank you Lord!

Next my speech. I showed up at about 5 minutes before the meeting started, because I didnt want to be too early and look nervous There were about 10-15 Board members there, and I was the “opening act”. I explained that I would be reading my speech because my short term memory is below par, add that with my nervous speech twitching, needless to say they understood!

Here is what I said (If you have read “The Cancer” in my sidebar, you will noticed that I took alot off that page):

Before I tell you my Cancer story, let me tell what defines me.

I am still a mother.
I am still a wife.
I am still a daughter.
I am still the same Heather that I was before I found out that I had cancer, just a lot more mature and a heck of a lot less naive. I still have the same heart, the same dreams and the same desires. I am still me, and cancer can’t take that away.

They were all very impressed with my speech, and my ability to tell my story. They asked many questions about how the wellness community has helped me, and what they could do to bring young people like myself in (because cancer is no longer a “old persons” disease). We discussed the benefits of support groups and the things that were holding them back. All in all it went way way better than I had hoped or expected!

Today was suppose to be Emma’s clinic visit, but it was canceled. It is being rescheduled for January 17th, so keep that in your prayers. She is doing wonderful, and luckily the antibiotics have kicked out what ever she had.

I am off to pack for our trip to Virginia, but wanted to thank you oh so much for your prayers and support. I have received many many Christmas cards for my cyber-family and it really warms our heart to know that my story, our story has touched you so deeply. So thank you

Tuesday Evening: I was asked to give a “10 minute Speech” in front of the board members for the Wellness Communtity (Where I have my support group). These are the people that give the money to the Wellness Community, and needless to say my speech isn’t very good. It is Tuesday at 5pm. Pray that I would be calm and not nervous. That I would have atleast my key points memorized and that I would have 10 minutes worth of valuable things to say!

Wednesday: Wednesday I have my Neuro Oncology visit with an MRI (with and without contrast) at Moffit in Tampa. I don’t know why I am so nervous about this one, maybe because it is right before Christmas and can either make this a great Christmas or a very sad Christmas for my family. Pray that their is nothing there, that I have a “cold” scan and that Dr. C is amazed with how well I am doing. My MRI is at 8am, and my appointment with Dr C to go over the results is at 10am.

Thursday: Emma has Transplant Clinic. She has been under the weather since Saturday so pray that she would be well enough to travel. She had a 102 fever yesterday (Saturday) but hasn’t had one since. We have all had chest colds, so I am assuming that is what it is. I talk to the Transplant coordinator on Saturday morning and she and Dr. Fricker agreed. Dr. Fricker prescribed amoxicillin, which seemed to work for the rest of my family. Her appointment is at 10:30 in Gainesville.

Friday Morning:We are leaving bright and early for our trip to Virginia (My parents are watching our house and feeding our dog) Pray that we have a safe trip and that my fatigue doesnt act up. Usually 1-2 weeks after chemo I have enormous fatigue. I was on chemo last week (the best cycle ever, I might add!) So The week of Christmas should be my down week, pray that it is not. Also pray that our families will have the most grand time and make lots of memories. Pray especially for that.

General Prayer: Also, remember to keep my friend Kate in your prayers as she spends the Holidays at a residential Physical Therapy center. She will be there for about 3 weeks while she works to regain function on her left side. You can follow her story on her blog here: A Brain Tumor Story

Thank you for all of your prayers. It is really nice to know that I can ask for prayer and there are literally thousands of people praying for that specific prayer request. You don’t know what that means to me and my family. So, from the bottom of my heart, Thank You….

Until Next Time

ETA: Please pray for my friend, Kate Snodgrass as she meets with her doctors Thursday at 4pm after receiving news that Her MRS findings are consistent with a tumor and to discuss further surgery and chemo. You can follow her story here : A Brain Tumor Story.

I completely forgot to tell you guys that I had an Neuro-oncology appointment today! I didnt have a MRI, I will have one on th 19th of December.

Things we discussed:
We are planning a trip to Virginia for Christmas, so I had many questions about that. My main concern is that my platelets will be too low and I will feel lousy… Well my platelets today were higher than they have ever been since I started chemo (165) and I am two weeks out! This is normally when my labs bottom out and they haven’t this month.. So He said that I was clear to go to Virginia and that I shouldnt have any side effects if my counts do what they did this time. If you remember, they lowered my dose of Chemo because my platelets were 33 on October 15 so we think that this dose is a good dose for me right now. My mom was concerned that it was too low of a dose because I felt so great the first three days (days 4-7 I felt horrible but not as horrible as I did last time) and the answer was no because I was still having side effects so it is still doing its job..

Robin, (the oncology nurse) prescribed Amitiza for my constipation. I was concerned that the insert said that it was to treat “Idiopathic Constipation” which means that it is to treat constipation that is from an “unknown cause”. He said that it was fine because it didnt have any Central Nervous System involvement. So I will take it with my next chemo cycle, which is the 9th.

I asked him about not being able to sleep the last few days of my Chemo cycle and he asked if I had taken Tylenol PM or Benadryl.
Tylenol PM does not put me to sleep and leaves me really groggy, and the same goes for Benadryl. He said that he would rather not prescribe anything just yet and asked that I try to deal with it because sleeping pills effect the Central Nervous System (I am seeing a pattern with the Central Nervous System!) We agreed to table that discussion until after my next cycle. I am going to call Walgreen’s and see what other OCD’s they have for sleep.

I also talked about the right sided “heaviness” that I experience the last two days of my Chemo cycle and he said that it was evidence that Chemo was doing it’s job. He said that if it were “weakness” he would be concerned, but not to worry if my arm and leg feel “heavy”, especially if it only happens when I am on chemo and goes away as soon as I am off.

We discussed how loud everything is to me since my surgery and treatments. Robin said that it was normal, and will go away.. I was so very glad to hear that.

Speech. Where to begin. When I become frustrated, I can’t pull words from my head to my mouth. I stutter and search for the word verbally, but I can visually see it in my head. I asked if that was normal, and will it ever come back. Robin said that it was most likely the combination of Radiation and Chemotherapy (and surgery) and that it is a common problem that many patients complain about. The good news is that it is most likely not permanent. It usually goes away after two years of not being on chemo. I cant fathom being this way for the next 3 years, but I can handle it knowing that there is a large possibility that it will go away.

It was a great visit, but I am exhausted and just plain worn out! I hope that your Wednesday was wonderful and that you made many lasting memories today!

Hug a neck ,

Chemo, Chemo, Chemo….

This time has not been nearly as bad as the last two. I feel very tired and fatigued, (not sleepy tired… just heavy tired) but am not nauseous at all. I decided to not take my constipation medication, and go the natural route (Prunes, Prune Juice, anything related to Prunes… did I mention Prunes?) and my body feels OH SO MUCH BETTER. I think that was adding to the problem. It wasn’t the whole problem but it certainly didn’t help matters. I am also sleeping through the night, which was a major problem the last two times. I go to bed at around 8:30 and am up by 6, very well rested. I know from experience that I will feel the effects of chemo later this week, but it is really promising that I don’t feel nearly as bad this time around at the beginning.

Some of you have asked about my Mothering Through Cancer support group. I changed to start date, it is starting next Tuesday, the 20th of Nov. I didn’t think that I had enough time to properly advertise it,

And…… The Hannah Montana concert is Monday Night, November 19th (my anniversary) in Tampa and LIKE HOLY COW MY DAUGHTER IS LIKE SO EXCITED BECAUSE YA KNOW IT IS LIKE HANNAH MONTANA AND SHE IS LIKE SO AWESOME (insert hair flip).

When I went to the newcomers meeting at the Wellness Community, I met two young moms who were extremely interested… so next Tuesday it is! (did I mention the concert? did I mention how VERY EXCITED EASTON IS!) That also gives us time to put it in Mommy Magazine (a local magazine) for December. They’ve mentioned doing an article on me (The Wellness Community thru Mommy Mag) but that hasn’t been confirmed as of yet…

The conference… It was really really good! I laughed and cried, almost all the time. When Nicole C. Mullen got up to sing “Touch” I bawled like a baby. I didn’t feel like the speakers had enough time to completely get in the Word, but that is okay. Patsy Clairmont is H.I.L.L.A.R.I.O.U.S., I highly recommend that you buy every single one of her books. It was a very very refreshing weekend!

Speaking of books. I’m going to seriously sit down and look at things. I feel like now is the right time to begin seeking opinions and editors… I am joining ACFW and am going to start actively researching what needs to be done. I am not sure what story will come first, Mine or Emma’s, or if they will be intertwined together. What do you think?

Moving on to my new Theme. Some of you have written in the comments and contacted me personally saying that you love my new design but that it overlaps (post begins under the sidebars) When I emailed you back, I found a common problem(with the help of Laura). You are using IE 6 or lower. I highly encourage you to upgrade your IE or to switch to Firefox. Firefox is my browser of choice, and I highly recommend it. My theme looks fine on my IE 7 (and Firefox) & it should on yours too once you update your browser. I have links in my left sidebar for your convenience.

Buttons. Look to the right. Many of you have requested directions on how to place my button on your site. I (again, with the help of Laura) put the code in a document that you can download from my sidebar. Thank you, those of you, who have the button on your site already, it really means alot to me to go to your blogs and see my bald head

Prayer Requests. Pray that I will feel this good come Friday Pray that the chemo does what it is suppose to do and only what it is suppose to do.

Pray for Amy Wilhoite’s husband, Brandon. Two months have passed since her death and he is struggling.

Pray for my friend Layne Daniel who is battling a brain tumor (GBM) and is traveling to Cancer Treatment Center Of America in Philadelphia.

Pray for my friend Don who has cancer and is not doing so well.

Pray for my Mothering Through Cancer support group, that Gods hands would be all over it and that he would use it mighty mighty ways.

I am so thankful for each and every one of you. I’m thankful that you support me and that you honestly truthfully are invested in my family. I am thankful that I can bring my prayer request to you and I know that they will be prayed over.

Thank you….

This is the last theme change until after Christmas, I promise

If you have any issues with this theme, please let me know it the comments (or if you would like to tell me how pretty it is, that is fine too!).

Today has been a lazy kind of day. Emma went back to school today, and I am gearing up for the Women Of Faith conference this weekend. I am mentally/spiritually preparing myself for the upcoming week of chemo (I am so glad that this conference is the weekend before I start!). I find that the week before I begin chemo, I am really anxious and stressed. This time I am working really hard at not being that way.

My mom is going to have small meals prepared for me so I will eat. I don’t eat when I am on chemo because it takes so much energy to fix something and I have no appetite, so she is going to make small containers of food and freeze them. I have also been trying to gain as much weight back as a can during this past 1 and half months of being off chemo. At my last Dr’s appointment on October 15 I had lost 40 pounds since my first visit in May. I am anxious to see what I weigh at my next visit. I never would have thought that I would be trying to gain weight instead of losing it!

I almost have a full head of peach fuzz! My hair is coming in rather nicely on the sides, but it is taking quite a bit longer to come in on the top! I look like an old man!

Here is a panoramic view:
(click to enlarge)

So there ya have it… A new theme and new hair growth all in the same day!
Have a great Wednesday

I received the book When God and Cancer Meet yesterday in the mail from a reader, and I haven’t been able to put it down since… (Thanks Lisa!)

I want to write about some similarities in her thoughts and mine.

For three hours I lay in the room thinking about what it is going to be like to chemotherapy pour through my veins. I had a little conversation with myself as I tried to control my weeping

Get a grip on your self, my head told my heart. What are you so afraid of? You were sick night and day for six months with all three of your pregancies. Mouth sores? You have had them before? Needles? You’re not afraid of them. Losing your hair? It’ll grow back. Don’t be so vain. But my heart didn’t buy it. I just cried harder as I stroked the hair that I so desperately wanted to keep.

Yes, thats what I am afraid of, I admitted. I don’t want to look sick for my children and my husband.

I had every.single.one. of those feelings and fears. I sat in the hospital bed, all alone for an extended amount of time after the surgeon came and told me that it was cancerous, and that the biopsy of the tumor was worse than he expected. I heard the words “I’m so sorry Mrs. George” for the second time in my life, first being when I was told my daughter wouldn’t be born alive. I was in shock, unable to dial the phone because I couldn’t remember the numbers to my parents or my husband, so I just held the phone in my hands and pushed all the numbers while crying. I couldnt ask for help because I couldn’t talk. So there I was, literally all alone with the reality that I had cancer.

I was sobbing like a baby when my parents and husband arrived, and I couldn’t tell them what the surgeon had told me. It was the loneliest point of my life, alone with my fears and unable to express them.

The look on my husbands face, I will never forget that look. All he could do was hold me and cry. I am sure that fear was etched all over my face, because I knew what was going through my mind and heart, and not being able to express that verbally came out in other ways.

My odds weren’t good.

Later in the the first chapter, she writes..

When I was diagnosed I was told that I had, at best, a fifty fifty chance of surviving. It seemed to me as if someone was going to flip a coin:heads I live, tails I die. It drove me crazy thinking about it.

And then, an even better truth hit me: God wasn’t playing roulette with cancer.

He didnt have His fingers crossed.
He wasnt going to wish me luck.
He wasn’t taking bets on my future.
He didnt need good odds to heal me.

You need to know and believe that cancer is not an automatic death sentence….Doctors do their best at predicting cure rates and odds of survival, but these predictions are just educated guesses.

I’m reminded of the scripture in 1 Peter 5:10 that I wrote about a few days ago…

Keep a cool head. Stay alert. The Devil is poised to pounce, and would like nothing better than to catch you napping. Keep your guard up. You’re not the only ones plunged into these hard times. It’s the same with Christians all over the world. So keep a firm grip on the faith. The suffering won’t last forever. It won’t be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ—eternal and glorious plans they are!—will have you put together and on your feet for good.
He gets the last word; yes, he does.
1 Peter 5:10

I have no fewer days left on this earth than I did before cancer entered my life. I trust that, I believe that, but it is human nature for one to question their future when given such grim statistics regarding prognosis. It is human nature to question anything and everything that you felt secure and solid, not only with the diagnosis of cancer, but anything that shakes your world to its core.

But we, as Christians, have something more. We have peace. When the world falls down around us, like it did in that hospital bed back in Mayo for me, we have the promise of peace. When you think that you can’t face another day, He is still there. When you feel alone in your grief and worries. He is there.

Trust that.

It is a peace that makes no sense.
It is a peace that cannot be explained.
It is a peace that goes beyond our human mind.
It is a peace that only God can give.
It is a peace I hope you’ll feel today.

Where to begin?

The Good News:
My MRI looks “excellent” according to the doctor He said that the area where the tumor was looks “very good” and he could barely see the “hole” where the tumor had been (paraphrased, of course )

This is my first MRI before I had the tumor removed:

This is my MRI today:

Now for the not so good news:
My labs came back really really really low. My platelets are down to 33,000 (low normal being over 150,000) and my WBC is down to 2 (normal being 11). I’ve lost another 10 pounds bringing my total weight loss to 40 pounds . They want to hold off on continuing Temodar until the 8th of November, and are lowering my dose from 300 mg to 200 mg per cycle. I will get labs 2x a week until the 8th, just to be sure they are coming back up.

That explains the way that I have been feeling lately. I felt the same exact way last time my platelets were low, but this time I didn’t bruise (odd because last time my platelet count was 55,000 and I had bruises all over). When I mentioned how miserable I am when I am on chemo, they told me that my body obviously responds very well to chemo because it is not only attacking the bad cells, but is also “over attacking” the good (proven in my low labs), and suggested the lower dose of Temodar. I kinda looked at him funny when he said that my body responds good to chemo, because it doesnt feel very good! He said to take the fact that I barely function on chemo as a sign that the drug is working…so that is what I am doing

I didn’t ask him for sleeping aids this time, because I want to see how I feel with higher platelets under my belt. I can go back and attribute every symptom I had (down to fatigue) to having such low platelets, so I can only assume that not being able to sleep is due to that too.

I am so very exausted, but so very pleased. I was so worried about this MRI and Neurology consult. I knew something was wrong, I just couldn’t figure out what…. Now I know and it really does explain alot! I will get labs from now atleast two times a month until I finish chemo. I will stay on top of my labs and not let them get on top of me, because obviously getting checked once a month isn’t enough.

I am going to go spend some well deserved time with my family! Thank you so much for your prayers and comments, they mean more than you can ever know….

-H

I have been struggling lately with the “3-5 year” prognosis that I was given after surgery by my neuro-surgeon. It’s not that I believe that number, it is just hard to get that number out of the forefront of my mind. During my support group last week many people stated that the number they were told after their diagnosis is the one that they remember so significantly, so vividly. One woman was given 6 months…. that was over a decade ago

So earlier today, while trying to relax in the tub, I prayed that the Lord would show me people who have lived with my type of cancer (anaplastic astrocytoma) for more than 5 years. While researching tonight the way to combat the side effects of Kytril, I came across not one, not two, but an entire list of people who have lived way longer than the 3 -5 year prognosis that I was given! One lady, much older than I am, is still alive after 18 years… that did my heart good.

I know that the prognosis is only a number, gathered by the average (or mean) of a group, but I can’t tell you what it does to a cancer patient when a doctor tells them they only have 3-5 years to live. I cant put that feeling into words, much less wrap my brain (or heart) around it. I found myself tallying up what my kids would be doing in 5 years

Easton would be 15
Elijah would be 12
Emma Grace would be 11.

That is not enough time.

I think that as a mother with cancer, my kids become the center focus of my treatment. I bargain with God “If you will just give me until they graduate, I will then know that they are going to be okay.” But when is any child okay after a parents death, especially the death of their mother? When is the “right time” in a child’s life for a parent to die? These are the thoughts I have on a daily basis, and admittedly they aren’t upbeat nor are they positive.

But they are real.

I wonder how other mothers battling cancer do it. I wonder how they juggle chemo and kids. I wonder how much information is too much information for my kids to digest. I wonder how other moms manage the days when they can barely get out of bed, and still have a house to run and kids events to attend. My kids see me at my very worst, and I wonder if that is what is best for them, but then again I don’t want to hide my bad days from them because that isn’t reality either.

That is why I have a love/hate relationship with the drug that is suppose to save my life. The days that I can not function, I feel that I am being cheated out of time spent with my kids. But then I think about how much time chemo is going to give me, and I muster the strength to go another round. I just hate having my kids ask me why I didn’t go to church, or why I am still in bed. It’s not that I don’t want to answer them, it’s just that the answer is just so freaking unfair.

But tonight, after reading the survivor stories of so many people with my type of cancer… I feel refreshed, I feel empowered, and although I am dreading the next round with chemo…I can’t put into words how much I am dreading it….

I will muster up the strength to go through it again, for my family… but not just for them.

For me too.

Out of the depths of desperation, rising from the ashes….arrives Faith

Wow it has been a long time since I updated…

I joined a Cancer Support Group. I really really enjoy it. It is nice to know that the people you are talking to really get what you are feeling, because they are feeling it or have felt it too. I’m the youngest one in the group, but I look at that as a blessing because I caught my cancer early in my life

Emma was in ICU Tuesday and Wednesday of this week (ICU is standard anytime they admit her). She is fine now! I really hated being up there, especially since we are both Immune Suppressed (Emma because of her transplant, me because of chemo) so I pushed to get her home rather fiercely. They were just observing her for a fever, and her labs were wacky… I told the doctors that I can do everything they are doing with her, at home, and protect her (and me) from exposure. Once I spoke to the transplant cardiologist, he agreed. She has been fine since we came home, but a low grade fever of unknown origin sends her transplant team (and obviously her parents) into a frenzy! Once rejection was ruled out, we were on our way… It really took a lot out of me though, I cant imagine if something was really wrong, and I was really thankful that it didn’t happen while I was on chemo!

I haven’t been sleeping well (if at all). I usually wake up about 2am and cant go back to sleep until 6am. I can sleep on the couch, but wake up with a horrible back ache, so now I am taking three Extra Strength Tylenol and Benadryl before I go to sleep every night. We are going to switch mattress’ with my parents (they have a soft mattress in their extra bedroom which I can sleep well on). We just bought this mattress, it is Tempur-Pedic Memory Foam, but it is so very hard (and hot!). I will talk to my Oncologist about sleeping aids this next visit, because I could sleep fine before I was on Chemo.

My next MRI and oncology appointment is Oct 15th. Then I start chemo again on the 18th of October. I understand why they give you 23 days between… They are hoping you forget how horrible it is so you will take it again! They told me that the first two times would be the worst, and that it would be easier after that…. I am holding them to that, because it was unbelievable horrible the first two times. I am going to talk to them about some of my side effects on the 15th in hopes that they can offer suggestions on how to make it more bearable. I cant eat, sleep or function when I am on chemo, and it shouldnt be that bad. So those are things I will discuss with them.

I heard this song on the radio while driving with my dad. I hope you enjoy it, and really really listen to the words. If you can’t watch the video, please read the lyrics posted below.

Please do not take one moment for granted.. you just never know.

Point Of Grace – How You Live
From the album How You Live

Wake up to the sunlight with your windows open
Don’t hold in your anger or leave things unspoken
Wear your red dress, use your good dishes
Make a big mess and make lots of wishes

And have what you want, but want what you have
And don’t spend your life looking back

Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances and let it all out
‘Cause you won’t regret it
Looking back from where you have been
‘Cause it’s not who you knew
And it’s not what you did
It’s how you live

So go to the ballgames and go to the ballet
And go see your folks more than just on the holidays
Kiss all your children, dance with your wife
Tell your husband you love him every night

Don’t run from the truth ’cause you can’t get away, no
Face it and you’ll be okay

(Chorus)

Oh, wherever you are and wherever you’ve been
Now is the time to begin
So give to the needy, and pray for the grieving
Even when you don’t think that you can
‘Cause all that you do is bound to come back to you
So think of your fellow man

And make peace with God, and make peace with yourself
‘Cause in the end, there’s nobody else

Have a blessed weekend, and do something that you normally wouldnt dream of doing

My dad has a blog, and I encourage you to read todays entry. I am still not feeling very well right now (chemo sucks the life out of me), so instead of writing about that, I want to encourage you to please go here and read my dads post, leave a comment, and bookmark him.

God has truly blessed me with a wonderful wonderful family.

Be back soon,
-H

(in case the link didn’t work for you : http://gracesrq.com/blog/)