Sometimes There Is No Answer

I believe strongly that as humans we are owed nothing. This has played a pivitol role in my coping with my daughters illness and death. Thru out the years we have been told so many things by other believers. That God would heal her if our faith was strong enough, that if we prayed hard enough and placed oil on her forehead “just so”, if we walked under banners or laid hands on her..

God would heal her.

He didn’t.

For along time, I battled with that. I battled with my faith and my will regarding what was best for her. I couldn’t fathom that Christ would take this child from me, from her father and siblings. I couldn’t fathom that loving caring savior would take my child away from me. So I began to reason with Him. If he would heal her, I would do “x”.

In the end, here we are.

I realize now that there didn’t have to be a big miracle for this to have meaning. He did’t have to heal her to give her beautiful life meaning.

I could expect it all I want to; it didn’t make it happen.

My father told me a few years ago, when I was really struggling with the reality of her disease:
“Heather, we all must die; there is no getting out of that. Emma will be healed, it just may not be on this side of heaven.”

Now, being a few more years out of the initial shock, I have grown quite a bit. I have realized that in the end, none of us “deserve” the grace we have been given. We can expect it, but it was never promised to us.

I dont doubt that my savior loves my daughter even more than I do. I dont doubt that her precious life had huge meaning, and that He is fully aware of my family’s grief and heartbreak over losing her. It was hard for me to give up those reigns sometimes. It was hard to fully put her into His hands, but honestly, that is where she was safest; and when he decided to keep her there permanently, He keeps granting me the grace to deal with that heartache.

As I sit and cry over the loss of my precious daughter… I realize that the only thing that any of us are promised is that He will never leave us. Everything else is a gift.
—————————————–
Natalie Grant – Held
Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It’s unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was

When everything fell
We’d be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred NUMB our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was

When everything fell
We’d be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was

When everything fell
We’d be held.
———————–

I am thankful that He is willing to hold us through our heartache.