Looking Back to “that day”
I took over an hour yesterday to read through my archives from the time I found out I had brain cancer. It took me back to those emotions, feelings, and heartache. It took me back to the place that never wanted to revisit again.
Ever.
Its been almost 2 years now. 2 years of heartache and tears. 2 years of joy and laughter. 2 years of losing and gaining friends. 2 years of questions and hopes and dreams.. and more questions.
2 years of life.
Honestly, reading through those months… the posts that made me cry are the ones from my family. Those are the ones that tore. me. right. up. Its ones like this one from my husband that grab at my heart. I remember that day so vividly, the moment that they rolled me away, and the emotions that followed down that long hallway to the operating waiting area.
Wondering if I would ever see my husband, children or parents again.
And the prayers I prayed.
And this one. I remember writing that.. it took me over half an hour. But I was determined to write it.
And look at all of your sweet comments. They really were a blessing to me and my family during that time. You really have no idea how much they meant.
And then the diagnosis post. I really was scared, and I really really wanted to live.
I still am, and I still do.
And this one from my mom. Honestly I remember very little from that day, other than Laura coming to see me. And the happiness that I felt. I remember singing on the way to the airport, and honestly wondering where that voice came from! My Neuro doc told my mom that singing comes from a different part of the brain, thus my not being able to speak but being able to sing.
My parents were amazingly awesome thru all of this, and they continue to be, everyday.
And one last one…It amazes me how very strong I was back then. Honestly I am not that strong girl lately, and I really don’t know why.
Maybe it is because I have had two years to let it all sink in and take root. Maybe it’s because I have lost more than I thought I would. Maybe its because it is more real and tangible.
It’s reality.
This is my life, and I can’t get away from it no matter how hard I try. But then I stop and think, Do I really want to? Do I really wish it was any different? Sure, it is so scary to have brain cancer. Sure it is alarming that every morning when I wake up, I think “Oh good, I have another day”…
Sure it is heartbreakingly painful.
But I when I stop and really think about it… I wouldn’t change a thing.
Because everything I have gone through, every person who has let me down, every heartbreaking call, every mind numbing experience…
Has made me the Heather that I am.
And I am growing to love her more every day.
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Loyal and Honest..
What is a Friend? I’ll tell you. It is a person with whom you dare to be yourself. Your soul can go naked with him. He seems to ask you to put on nothing, only to be what you really are.
When you are with him, you do not have to be on your guard. You can say what you think, so long as it is genuinely you.
He understands those contradictions in your nature that cause others to misjudge you. With him you breathe freely—you can avow your little vanities and envies and absurdities, and in opening them up to him they are dissolved on the white ocean of his loyalty.
He understands.—You can weep with him, laugh with him, pray with him—through and underneath it all he sees, knows and loves you.
-Anonymous
Reading through my comments on the last post, one from Cori really stuck out. In it she wrote:
“A true friend will stick with you through thick and thin, and beyond. You can show them ALL of your imperfections. Yet, they will never, ever abandon you, and while you were most likely referring to friends AND family, what you said about people who have REALLY stood by you is %1000 true when it comes to your friends.”
When I was putting up my Christmas decorations this past weekend, I was thinking about all of the people that have entered and exited my life in the past year. Some of which needed to go, others who I never thought would. It got me thinking about what I expect out of my friendships.
Loyalty and Honesty.
That’s it. Those two things. Someone who will stick through anything with me, be that cancer or just a bad day. Someone who will hold me accountable, even when the truth hurts.
Friendship to me is like family, You can be so totally honest with someone about their faults, and still walk away loving them. You can hold them accountable, even when it might possibly cause damage the relationship, because you care so deeply for that person that it is worth the risk. You do not have to worry about what they are saying or doing behind your back, because you know. You know that they are loyal, you know that they are honest. You know that they would never do anything intentionally to hurt or harm you.
You trust them, heart and soul.
Back to this weekend. As I thought of all of the people who have left, some abruptly, I also thought about all of the wonderful real friendships I have gained. The Lord has brought so many amazing and God fearing people into my life, just when I needed them most.
And that got me thinking…
I have been so wrapped up in what I could have possibly done wrong, that I didn’t realize that it wasn’t about that… it was about this season in my life. It was about fully and completely depending on Him to bring me what I needed.
It was about trust.
So looking back on this past year.. Sure it is hard to let some friendships go, but it is so amazingly wonderful to make new and stronger friendships. It is so awesome to see the Lord move in those friendships.
It is so refreshing to have friends that are loyal to me.
It is so relieving to have friends that are honest with me.
But yet, it is so hard to let those past friendships go, especially the ones who gave me no reason why they left.
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