Wordless Wednesday
Many of you have asked how I kept my eyelashes and eyebrows… I lost my hair due to radiation, not chemo :) The type of Chemo that I am on doesnt cause you to lose your hair (well, I guess if it mentions it in the side effects, someone lost their hair on it, but not many do) I dont go out bald very often because I have a scar across my scalp where they opened my head up and took the tumor out. It isnt a very pretty site :) I can feel screws, literally, on the surface of my scalp under the skin. I can feel where they cut out a piece of my skull and put it back in, jagged edges and all :) But I am still here, and that is what is important, right?
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CWO- “Aloneness”
“As Christians, we are called to convert our loneliness into solitude. We are called to experience our aloneness not as a wound but as a gift–as God’s gift–so that in our aloneness we might discover how deeply we are loved by God.” ~ Henri Nouwen ~
Oh how I could write a book on this topic… I could write about how alone I felt in my pregnancy with Emma Grace, and how that was a precious precious time with my savior. I could write about how alone I felt in ICU for 4 months, while we were waiting for her donor heart, and how in the midst of the storm I felt peace. I could write about this last month, and all of the changes cancer has brought to me and my family, how alone I feel on the radiation table each week, how alone I feel facing chemo for the next year…. yet I know that I know that I am resting in the palm of his hand…
If I were to write a book, I would title it “Still Standing”, because after all my family has been through in the last decade, my foundation hasn’t shifted… I have gotten off my rock a time or two, but it never moved. It has remained firm underneath my feet.
I often say that Christ never left His throne, He just brought me closer to it…Its in the loneliness that I have found Him. Its in the still small moments that I know He will never leave me nor forsake me. When I keep my eyes focused on him, I am secure and at peace, just like Peter. When he took his eyes off of Jesus, he noticed the waves around him, and he sank. When Jonah ran from God, he found himself in the belly of a whale… can you imagine? Talk about getting your attention! In those moments, Jonah became closer to Jesus than ever before…
When I am having a rough day because of the combination of Chemo and Radiation, He is there.
When I cant muster up the strength to face another treatment, He is there.
When I feel alone and worthless, He is there.
He will not leave me comfortless (Jn. 14:18) When I call, He will answer me (Is. 58:9) He loves me (Is. 43:4) He will never leave me (Gen. 28:15) He is my help and my deliverer. (Ps. 40:17)
Before cancer, I would often listen to other cancer patients say that they consider their cancer a gift. I thought to myself “How crazy is that…” But finding my life on the same path as theirs, I can see where they were coming from. I cherish every moment for the gift that it is, even alone times, because none of us are promised a tomorrow.
It took cancer to teach me that.
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