When cancer surrounds me…
I know I haven’t written much in the last month, and I could blame it on the Holidays and Festivities (which would be partially true) but the truth is that I have had so much on my mind.
Easton and Elijah’s teacher, Dr.Holland has been diagnosed with colon cancer, my father in law has been diagnosed with kindney cancer, my moms boss has a family member who was recently diagnosed with brain cancer, Kate had a re-occurring glioma and had brain surgery, David Welch has just been diagnosed with GBM after battling brain cancer for a number of years, A woman in my support group died last month, I still see her sitting in the chair every time I walk into the room where our group meets. Don Valencia lost his battle with cancer this past month. Marisa died last November of cancer, and then there is the death of Amy Wilhoite earlier this year.
I’m sick of the word “Cancer”. I am sick of taking chemo. I just want my old ordinarily normal life back. I want my old self back, the Heather that doesnt forget where she put her coffee and pours herself another and another and then another. The Heather that doesn’t have to write herself notes all the time, or ask someone to remember where she put something because she knows she will forget. The old Heather that could carry on a conversation without having to pause and think of the right word or the “non blunt” way to answer. The Heather that could go a day with out thinking about death or cancer.
The Heather that I use to be.
It is amazing to me how often I hear that word now that I have been diagnosed with it. I really really wanted to go see P.S. I love you, but upon reading the synopsis for the movie, wouldnt you know it.. Her husband dies of a brain tumor. Side Order of Life, one of my favorite shows had a character who was diagnosed with brain tumor (mets). It seems like every show I watch, someone has cancer. I can’t seem to get away from cancer, no matter how hard I try….
I guess I could look at the bright side… cancer awareness is on the forefront of every ones minds these days. That is one positive thing out of this, for every heartbreaking reminder that I have cancer, someone is being made aware that cancer is very real, very serious and very deadly.
I don’t like to think negatively, but I have to admit that when mom and I were walking through the Christmas isles at Target, I had a brief moment of sadness, wondering if I would be here next year or if it was going to come back before then…. When we sat around the fire in Virginia and everyone was talking about how we should do this more often, I literally started crying… I don’t know how many “more often’s” I have left. I usually stop myself from going down that emotional road, but this month it has been so very hard. I don’t know if it is the holidays, or the fact that cancer has surrounded me and reminded me that it is still very real.
I don’t know why I chose this topic to write on today… It seems so “fatalistic” and I really don’t want to portray myself in that manner, it isn’t my personality nor is it how I feel on a regular basis. Maybe that is what prompted me to write it.
It is real.
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Its a choice…
Choose to see what is always true instead of what happens to be true at that moment
I have been guilty of not adhering to this statement, not just this week but the last several weeks. I don’t feel like the old Heather, yet I know that I am the Heather that Christ wants me to be and has called me to be. I sometimes feel stupid and “ignorant” because I think people think that I should act the same way or talk the same way I did before my surgery, I know they don’t expect that or think that, but I still believe it. I often think of something to say, but don’t say it because the process of getting it from my head to my mouth is quite honestly exhausting and by the time that would happen it wouldn’t be funny or would sound odd in the context of the conversation. And lets face it, writing it out isn’t the same and would only draw attention to me even more.
People closest to me often say that only I notice my deficits, and maybe they’re right. Maybe I am the only one who notices that split second decisions before my surgery cause me to stop and concentrate for 30 seconds or more now. Or that when I am alone I often do stupid things like try to start my car with my lip gloss. Or that if I have coffee in one hand and keys in the other, I cant for the life of me figure out how to open the door in front of me. Or that, in a conversation, I have to either tell the other person to stop talking or I will lose my thoughts, or just stand there politely and nod while I have the conversation with them in my head.
But then I think about how I could have been. How much I could have lost. How much my family could have lost.
How I could have died.
My heart stops. All those things seem so insignificant compared to that. So when I say that it is a choice, it really is. I can look at my current circumstances and be ticked off at the outcome, or I can choose to look at all of the blessings in my life, the fact that I am still alive. That doesn’t erase the pain that this brings to me and those that I love, but it can make life a whole lot more enjoyable and it can make me a whole lot more enjoyable to be around.
Then I think about how Jesus must have felt knowing that Judas was going to betray him with a kiss… an act of love. I wonder how he felt when He asked to have the cup removed from his hand, yet His Father didn’t. He could have, but He didn’t. I wonder how He could have loved us so deeply, so passionately to face such a horrendous death.
Yet He did.
Puts all my problems into perspective.
Choose to see what is always true instead of what happens to be true at that moment
I am so very glad that Christ chose to see the big picture
And continues to nudge me on to see it too.
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