It is becoming less painful, the memories. Now when I think about you I, more times than not, smile and close my eyes. When I walk by pictures of you, I stop and remember with happiness not pain. But then there are those times when it becomes overbearing and the tears come rushing down my face.
It is becoming easier to talk about you and not go numb.
I’ve been thinking a lot about heaven lately. What it will be like. If you are enjoying it.
I picture you, in your earthly body, running and skipping down the streets of gold, singing clearly. You have on a white dress and it is floating through the air as you twirl.
But then I stop and think- Do I have a real picture of what heaven really is, or is it my human heart longing to see you and hold you again? I have so many questions that only Christ can answer, but when I get there, will I ask them or will I be encapsulated with His glory that I will forget them all together, as silly as that sounds.
Will you know who I am? I know what the bible says, but my heart longs to see you and hold you and touch you again.
Will any of this matter? These feelings and thoughts that I have – will they matter in the end, or are they just Gods way of making life more bearable down here for those of us who have loved ones up there?
You took a little piece of me with you when you left this earth that can never be replaced. I cannot describe the pain in my heart in that space, but it is becoming more bearable to feel and remember. It is becoming more bearable to live without you here.
Not a day goes by that I don’t want you back, though.
But then I remember you in that white dress, skipping and jumping down the streets of gold, and I smile.
Because, whether or not that is truly happening, it brings my heart comfort.
And it becomes almost well with my soul.